I was in a middle seat. The seat belt sign was on, due to occasional turbulence. My wife lay sprawled across me, sleeping restfully. The man in the aisle seat next to me was passed out, snoring so loudly that passengers were turning and staring (I would point at him so no one thought those sounds were coming from my wife). The flight attendants were moving down the aisle, serving drinks out of their drink carts, smiling and doling out canned Ginger Ales and Bloody Mary mix. By all accounts, it was the wrong time to go.

But, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

I moved my wife over to her seat – she is small enough that she can make a coach seat seem like a California King bed (I am very jealous), and I woke the man next to me up. Because his snoring ceased, my status with my fellow travelers was very high for the moment – people smiled, babies clapped. Next, I tried to make my way to the back of the plane…not a chance – three large drink carts blocked my way. I turned to the flight attendant and shrugged my shoulders. He sighed and told me he would make an exception – I could use the bathroom at the front of the plane.

Normally, I would be really happy to break into the exclusive realm of first class passengers – they have some good face cream in their washroom (when I’m in first class, I call it a washroom instead of a bathroom…I also usually adopt a British accent).

First class washrooms are usually located at the front of the plane, which is where first class passengers sit. And generally speaking, you want to keep the toilet (in my British accent, I would call it a loo) close to the passengers who are going to use it. But that’s not what everyone was thinking as I started my journey – they were thinking: that’s where the pilots sit…where’s this brown guy going?

The first few steps were cool. Most of these passengers had heard the exchange between the flight attendant and myself, so they knew what was up. Plus, they still felt indebted to me for shutting up my snoring neighbor…deeply indebted, I might add – this guy snored loud!

But, as I got closer to the front of the plane, the travelers were ignorant of my situation – both of my noble deed and my hall pass into their cabin.

I tiptoed past a few people. A man looked up from his Tom Clancey novel with a worried expression. A woman held her baby more tightly. The baby even frowned at me. A few years ago, I might have looked back and scowled…truth be told, even f$&#ed with these people a bit. Scared? Are you stereotyping me? Okay, cool, then let me reach menacingly in my pocket and really raise the temperature in here. I might have even growled at these guys back then, just a little.

But, I’m older now. So, I did my best to assuage their fears. I smiled broadly, hoping that the white of my teeth would counteract the black of my stubble. Okay, 13A...almost there. 9C...how you doing? 6A...come here often?

Like a finish line, there was a rope that separated the people of first class from those of us back in the coach section. To get to the washroom, I was going to need to undo the rope.

It wasn’t a rope, really. It looked more like a seat belt. The two ends were fastened together with Velcro. Velcro. Shit. Velcro is loud.

I undid the Velcro slowly, trying to minimize the sounds that foamy stuff and prickly stuff make when they are separating. Kshkshkshkshkshkshksh. I might as well have made an announcement over the PA system. Maybe 4 people looked up from their Tom Clancy novels – nevermind that they were on page 342, right where they were going to find out who was behind the plot to assassinate the nation’s first African American president. Maybe 3 women held their babies more tightly. All three of the babies frowned at me. Baby frowns suck.

Was I imagining the whole thing? Were they just looking up at me because I happened to be passing by? Were the men hoping that I would be a hot girl? Were the women hoping the hot girl had a butt just like theirs and had on great jeans that they could buy at an inexpensive price?

I don’t know – but I can tell you that I used that bathroom as quickly as I could. I didn’t even look for the face cream and mouthwash that you find in first class washroom. I flushed the toilet, making sure that I didn’t get pulled down with the massive suction—I fundamentally believe there is more suction in the first class bathrooms--and hustled back to my seat.

Shortly thereafter, the man next to me started snoring again, and my wife fell back asleep. I went back to reading my novel, looking up once in a while to make sure that everyone had gone back to Tom Clancy and taking care of their babies.

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