Dear Kavita; this topic is resonating so strongly with my life right now; it's psynchronized with current events.

In end of May, I was Elected, President of a large Auxillary of women. Only being a member for two years; I was surprised to be even nominated last spring; even moreso when Elected!

Known to me, were some facts: a group of 4-6 women; all over 65+, some rich widow's seem to feel the group is theirs to use at their perusal and use. They were NOT happy, I was elected; and beat out, Mrs. so and so, their friend!

Needless to say Kavita; I have endured so much slander and gossip by this small group of women of sixty-plus; that I had to take drastic measures!

Working with high auxillary officers; we had them(4) come on Nov.14th's general meeting. First half was my meeting; business as usual. Quick ten-minute break; and the head officer, conducted an "investigative" meeting!

She was NOT pleased; and had with her; two folders of five years of petty complaints by these women. She was furious, the degree to which they took; to have me discredited!!

Being a middle-aged woman; on a social disability; alone since 1991; has made me a real good target in my community for gossip, to say the least! I found myself imposing an isolation on myself; until two years ago, because of all the gossip and trashy ideas out there about me.

Anyway; I confronted the head woman of the small, elite group about HER admitting to ME< that she use's friends she has; at the hospital/police and health units; to get information/gossip about people!! Boy, did I rip into her about it; then so did everyone else!

Still unsure if I'm a hero; but, I got a standing ovation by the group! Still unsure, what's floating around there, in mute-information land; but, I'm sure it's a little different these days!

I say; stop gossip and slander in it's tracks; exactly HOW you handled it; and HOW I handled it, Kavita. In my case; I had to USE authority heads of the Auxillary; however; I made mention; that I felt I would NOT be a good acting President; if I had let this negative members continue to shun away new prospective members. They are rude, and very abusing to everyone; and I requested their removal; and now have to follow protocol..I may not have them removed; but, they will recieve follow-up letters from this President!

For the past week; I have slept better; breathed easier; and no longer pull "gossipy-knives" out of my back! This would not have happened; had I not stood up in defiance; of these big(rich & powerful) girls who talk bad. Let's just say; they GOT, their comeuppance!

North

hi kavita,

I'm SO glad that someone wrote about this topic. The gossip, cliques, and malicious jealousy among Indians (especially girls) in this country has gotten so bad and so harmful, that I almost can't stand to be around Indian girls anymore (and I'm not the only Indian woman one that feels this way).

I actually wrote Deepak a question about this very same thing, and he replied to me! The response is posted on his "ask deepak" page under the title "Women Friends." I would encourage everyone to go read that answer. I think it definitely helped me, but at the same time, it is hard for a middle-aged man (no offense Deepak =) to understand the manipulative, back-stabbing, and bitchy nature of some (i'm not saying all) women, and how difficult it is to sustain friendships with such negative people (whether they be men or women).

I also don't understand why this is more prevalent in the Indian community (my white friends aren't like this as much). Why can't women support other women that are successful and beautiful and have alot going for them? Why is there always an attempt to undermine each other by gossiping, breaking up relationships, etc? I just don't get it...

The moment you realize that the very idea of people who "hurt" you is to really hurt your ego, you can take these things in your stride and laugh at it. Thatz what I do in my personal life.

Regarding the social and political issues I debate online or in various social forums, the following is my philosophy.

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win"

Wow, Kavita. This is such a coincidence. I was thinking about this very thing just today - just now in fact - and it's been something I've been wondering about myself. On the one hand I think it's important to let go of my attachment to how others may or may not perceive me. Which is what you seem to have done so well regarding the lesbian rumor.

On the other hand, the other untrue, unkind rumors that affected your friend were not brought out into the open and so she never had a chance to confront them directly and then LAUGH them off, but instead felt the subtle judgement of others for what appeared to be an unknown reason.

I think you hit on something key, Kavita, when you said you ask people to confront the person directly. It doesn't have to be brutal, but hey, why not call it like it is? I think it's important to let people know that you're not going to be part of rumors and gossip that is untrue, a dash of truth mixed with lies, etc...

And I certainly don't think that this is something unique to women. I think people that gossip or spread lies are caught in some sort of a power struggle and have a need to build themselves up at the expense of others. Men may have a different style of presenting destructive tales, but I think they do it just as often.

OKAY, so let's make it a practice to always go to the source and not believe negative information second hand...

But here is the question I have.... if someone is saying something untrue about me do I need to come out and publically defend myself? Or is it enough to speak with them personally?

On the one hand I think, I don't want to be attached to what others may think about me. On the other had I feel a need to stand up for myself out of self respect. What do you think?

Love, Kristin

Hey everyone- I agree that gossip is not solely confined to women, and that men play their own power games. I do think that women are much more underhanded and subtle in the ways they hurt each other though. Anyway, here is the exact question I asked Deepak and his answer:

I am a 25 year old woman who has always been in a relationship since beginning college. The last relationship lasted 4+ years and just recently
ended (it was long distance, etc. and was mutual with no hard feelings). As a result, I have never formed close friendships with females, since I have always been busy with a boyfriend and my work/school. For some reason, I
feel that I have bad karma that keeps me from forming friendships with Indian women- even though I am nice and always a loyal friend, for some reason,
women always seem to get competitive /catty/jealous of me and end up talking bad behind my back, starting rumors, etc. For the record, I have never done
any of those things, and detest gossip. I do not have this problem with guys and have alot of guy friends. The last few months, I have been single
and have really attempted to do some soul-searching about this issue, and tried hard to change my energy so that I am more receptive and empathic, etc. towards women. But no matter what I do or how I act, women just seem to be intimidated or jealous of me. Why is this and is it just me? If so, how can I change this pattern? Is there something wrong with me for not having female friends? Others have commented that they think this is weird, and I think I am missing out by not having a bond with other women.

Answer:

If you feel like you want to foster women friends, then focus on what you have to offer to other women as a friend, and let it follow from there. Don’t let your past experiences with gossipy friends color your expectations of how you will be treated. Make your values regarding idle talk, known to potential friends, so they know how you feel, but don’t dwell on the issue or anticipate problems. Otherwise you are likely to find problems that aren’t otherwise there. The other thing to keep in mind is that making girlfriends may be the opportunity to help you develop a strong sense of self that doesn’t care much what people say. That inner security is what you ultimately want to have because we have no control over what other people say or think of us.

Love,

Deepak

Hello Kavita, you're asking about how we deal with gossip...

For me, the big change came when I realized that every person has his/her own opinion about what they see. Whatever I do will be interpreted differently by different people. That doesn't change who I am, what I'm doing or my motivations for it. I also recognize that whatever I see around me can only be interpreted subjectively by me, so I have stopped putting absolute value on what I can "see with my own eyes". I can never really know why people do what they do, so even if I get a so called "negative impression" about what they're doing, it's not necessarily even close to their truth. So... if what other people should gossip about me is what they sincerely see... and if they are used to seeing things in a negative way... I can only feel compassion for the pain they're creating in their lives. But I don't need to let that pain poison my life.

Gossip is judgment, and it's like a poison that we spread from one person to another, it is a poison of the mind. A poisoned mind will spread poison and will hurt its owner and everyone who agrees to accept this poison. But I don't have to accept it and the choice is always mine. In short, I don't care :)

just wanted to add that i think the last sentence is key- no matter who it is that is saying bad things about you (a guy, girl, in-law, whatever), you have to have enough inner security to stay strong and not let it get to you.

also, if the gossip is subtle, I don't think confronting the person helps, because if they already know that what they are spreading is false or exaggerated, you just give them more of an ego trip by acknowledging that they have been able to affect you and your life, which is what they wanted in the first place. If you know it's only one person, and its going to help you sleep better at night, then go ahead and confront that person.

My experience is it works better to rise above the pettiness if at all possible- just live your life as if it hasn't affected you at all and let people think what they will. I know that's easier said than done. =)

North, good for you! and you are awesome for the courage you've shown in facing this ordeal. Kristen, it all depends on what kind of gossip it is to decide whether you react to it or not..I reacted to one piece of gossip and laughed the other off because the first one was so vicious, it would have and indeed had long term repercussions-it was not likely to die a silent death, and I felt intervention and confronting the rumor monger was the best course.
In the case of the second, I met such awesome lesbians during my research and interviews and am so sure of what my sexual orientation is, and so comfortable with who Iam that it was a laughing matter and I laughed it off..
I have seen careers being damaged when people tried taking the higher road and not come out and defend themselves against slander.
Normally I just walk to the person and talk it out one on one, and leave it there, though a few times I have noticed the guilty party talk to others to justify his or her point of view, only to be shunned. I have a reputation of being pretty straight so that helps-people know what they see is what they get.
Of course I gave two examples where a woman and a man spread rumors, so its really not limited to one gender or the other..however I have noticed that men gossip about different things than women. There was a saying that when men gossip they call it business conference:)
By and large I have found female gossip to be more vicious and petty in content.
Magenta, I see no reason for you to go out of your way to embrace friendship with women..a lot of jealousy and envy comes out of insecurity and immaturity. My best friends all through my life have been men..I just see opposite sexes interacting better with each other and having grown up with a bunch of brothers I was always more comfortable with men, since I shared similar interests.
Besides how many close friends do you really need and why does gender have to be an issue..
Deepak is right about the fact that you cant control how people perceive you, but I understand the day to day struggles women face from other women if they are more attractive or more popular..
Eventually we must all be comfortable in our own skin. All relationships require hard work and regular nurturing-that is why I have my group of close 5-6 female friends and a group of male friends and these friendships have lasted years..of course I have collected new gems along the way too-it all comes down to a matter of good judgement and taking time to know the person and not getting too close too fast.
I have also discovered my true friends were those who stood by me in tough times and they were the ones who have lasted through the years
good luck with your search.
Krish thanks for your input..well said

well said Aurora, but believe me we can sense the truth intuitively..at least I can..when something doesnt sound right, it usually isnt..your posts on varius blogs are so full of intuitive wisdom, I know you'll understand what I'm saying-then it is up to us how we react to it..

Yes, I understand what you're saying, Kavita, and it's true, we all know beyond what we see, and that knowing comes from love if we only let it. Reading your posts, I...know that you do that a lot :)

Magenta, thanks for posting your comments and also Deepaks earlier response to you. I can see your point that if someone is spreading something "false or exaggerated, you just give them more of an ego trip by acknowledging that they have been able to affect you". Interesting.

Aurora, I can see what you're saying too. That sometimes when people spread gossip it is merely spreading their own judgment and they may sincerely believe it.

Kaveta, I agree that it depends upon the type of gossip how we react. And the situation is very important to.

I was just thinking about in the Gita where Krishna is talking about "being alike in honor and disgrace". I guess that's the ultimate in self referral. And no, it really doesn't matter what other people think about you. BUT how you respond depends upon the situation. It's okay to stand up for ourselves if the situation calls for it. UNLESS it brings us to the level of spreading destructive tales ourselves. That's a KEY point for me.

Kavita, I think using the term "destructive tales" is very descriptive and makes your point hit really hit home. The word gossip isn't always as clear.

Love, Kristin

ps. Even what from my perspective may be the "truth"... if it is harmful to another/or others, repeating something learned in confidence and/or not necessary to repeat then it becomes a "destructive tale" - even if used in "self-defense."

"I am writing this blog, because a friend of mine is going through a horrible time. Someone misused an open email account in his office and sent out risqué emails from his id to a woman, whose husband caught the emails and all hell broke loose.. "

Kavita, I will diverge a bit from the intent of your post. What first struck me on reading this sentence was that we could do with more secure use of computer resources. Locking one's computer when leaving one's desk is increasingly enforced in workplaces of companies that implement a half-reasonable security policy.

Thanks A.K. I think a lot of people are not computer savvy and many leave their emails and email IDs open and again there are so many hackers as well..many also realize email is a public domain and to be used carefully..since that episode so many vicious lies and rumors have been spread and that got me thinking about how a malicious rumor can unhinge relationships..and of course that led to more thinking and hence the blog! In this case the computer became the instrument to spread lies-just one of the weapons that can be used to hurt some one..
Kristin and Aurora thanks for your post..

Kavita,

"I don’t have any plans of not going out with men in this life time"

Did you read Maureen Dowd's book "Are Men Necessary?"? If yes, what is your take on the book. A woman columnist in Seattle Times called it provocative and feminist. Since you made the above statement, I thought I will ask you if you read her book.

Krish, I havent read the book and after seeing the title I dont think I will:)
I believe in equal rights but I'm not a bra burning feminist. I love being a woman, but some of the most amazing people in my life have been men. I dont think any woman, including my mother could be half the class act that my dad is-and my mom is an amazing woman. My brothers are awesome, and some of the most sensitive, kindest, thoughtful people I know have been men. My main mentor was my brother who pushed me into writing,and many uncles and other men protectively nurtured my writing and me- two of my best friends are men..I have close women friends, but I cannot imagine a world without men, especially since we are the yin and yang..one balances the other..we have such a different approach to things -I have learnt to see the world from so many different eyes because I was given a different perspective by many men..
so God bless the male species..They make life even more interesting and my best women friends would agree!

Good to know about your views on this. Actually myself and my wife were discussing about this issue after watching Maureen Dowd in Chris Matthews show few days back. We sort of felt that the concept of whether men are necessary is a bit of stretching it on the hardcore feminist side. We haven't read the book either. Since you made the statement above, I thought I will see if you have read the book and your views on the issue. Thanks anyway for your input on the topic.

Dear Kristen,

If someone says something untrue about you, spreading rumors, etc. I do not think you need to come out and defend yourself publicly or confront the person. The reason I say this is that, it seems counterintuitive, but sometimes if you "defend yourself", try to set the record straight, it gives the person more power--because then they feel like they can make up more gossip or exaggerate something to the point of near-fabrication and you will again need to spend precious energy defending yourself.
Also, your true friends will not believe lies about you. And also, people who gossip create their own misery. If you ignore it, in the end you will deflect it. Noone can take your dignity from you.

well Krish, I have noticed that sensationalism sells books and radio and Tv talk shows so I wouldnt bother with Maureen Dowds book :). Dulcie, I agree with you upto a point, but I have to say I will always tackle gossip that I feel can damage or scar someone's reputation or psyche:often people will manipulate you as much as you let them and I have seen some of my friends become emotional wrecks and catatonic because of things circulated about them..There have been cases of suicides where the victim couldnt take the mocking and derision of their gossipy peers..not every one is strong enough to reason out things as you have done..hearts and lives get shattered in the face of malicious and destructive tale bearing...so you do have to pick your battles and set the record straight

Dear Kavita,
What you say: "people will manipulate you as much as you let them" is Truth, and you are honest to write about the destructiveness of gossip. Most people sweep that side of themselves under the rug. We pretend our niceness. Under the exterior, of our smiles and seeming politeness.

I have been guilty of this. But no more. That intention is firm in my heart now, and will not budge.
Blessings,
~~ Kate

That's awesome Kate and I admire you tremendously for having the guts to acknowledge a flaw in yourself and correct it. very often we remain in denial and blame others for everything.
You are truly remarkable

Kavita,

I totally see what you are saying. I think that what you did with the woman who had spread vicious gossip about your friend was admirable and took a lot of courage. I also see how it was extremely beneficial to your friend. In fact, I should have made that clear in what I wrote to Kristen--when someone other than the person being gossipped about stands up to the gossip spreader I think that that is the one exception--it completely disarms the gossip spreader and does, usually, stop them b/c they see they are not getting away with it anymore. They know that people are no longer buying the lie they are spreading.

I recognize how harmful gossip is. And I do definitely appreciate the humorous remark you made to your friend who "shared" with you the rumor about you. And of course I agree that when directly confronted, there is an obligation to set the record straight--to do it with humor--even better.

My only point was that if the person being gossipped about tries to begin convincing people they are "innocent" of whatever is being said--I have seen that backfire--when a person is pleading to have people stop talking badly about them--it can backfire. It can just create a vicious circle where a person is always trying to "convince" others they are "worthy" of respect when the people they are talking to are just habitually disrespectful.

I am happy you did what you did for your friend. I thought it was very noble, and I should have been more clear that it is only in certain general situations that I was referring to.

No problem Dulcie. I quite agree with the point you made and that is why I said pick your battles to fight-..a lot of gossip is just not worth clarifying, (otherwise all the poor celebrities will go hoarse issuing denials!:)
thank you though for taking the trouble to share your thoughts in greater detail.

I think what everyone is getting at is that there is no one single correct way to handle every person and situation. I think you have to do what personally seems right to you and, most importantly, what will allow you to keep from getting emotionally/ psychologically entangled into the situation as little as possible (because I think that's the real danger).

Kavita, I think you are right in saying that you shouldn't always tolerate anything and everything with the excuse of taking the high road- because sometimes not standing up for yourself is the coward's way out. On the other hand, if it's just pettiness and jealousy, it's maybe not worth the negative emotional energy, so it all just depends on the specifics I guess.

On a different note, what do you guys think of the notion that our reality is just a reflection of us, and we attract to ourselves every good and bad thing that happens? Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that if a negative person or situation comes into my life (through no conscious intent of my own), that it is really my own doing. But maybe it is.

That's the equivalent of saying that if someone spreads a rumor about me, it is somehow a reflection of my own karma and I 'deserve' it (as we deserve every single thing that happens to us). Yet Deepak says that "you can't help what people say or think about you." Hmmm...so am I supposed to take personal responsiblity for these negative people and what they say and do or not? Any thoughts?

Kavita,

Perhaps there is a solution.

We establish as common knowledge that a person of great character and standing never says anything bad about anyone.When we do we weaken ourselves in the eyes of others. People notice and have a high regard for those that never speak an ill word.

Only those that are themselves dysfunctional would find a need to take focus of their own deficiencies and failures by directing attention to another’s failures and only the lowest of character would create fictions and assumptions regarding others. For the assumptions they choose are what they know to be true about themselves. Be wary of those that speak badly of others for they bring misfortune to all.

So anyone that speaks badly of others is making a statement to the world that they themselves are dysfunctional, any one that makes assumptions about others is telling the world what they know themselves to be.

You could always make poster, in fact have a party and put one on every wall and don’t say a thing, people will get the message. The perpetrators might leave in a huff and as well it should be.

I would prefer to believe, instead that we reflect our reality. You can see it in the way people act..a happy person reflects radiance, an unhappy person reflects sorrow. I think again negativity and positivism is again our perception..a friend of mine saw her divorce as an exciting new chapter in her life, another saw it as the end of the world..
I believe that there are things that are beyond our control but how we react to these unexpected curveballs is the key. The human spirit is tremendously potent as I see again and again in my life's experiences and we all have an inner strength that comes out even to surprise us in tough times..havent there been moments when you thought you couldnt handle something and yet you did?
Of course there are time we cant explain some tough times that we feel we didnt deserve, and that is where we attribute it to karma, but dealing with it and moving on is really in our own hands..

Right on Richard!

Dear Kavita...Life's like that!! That's the dark side of the society we live in. How do we handle that malice and crookedness.....My take...Lot depends upon one's spiritual and emotional outlook.

Well...I must say this to you, when the topic came about the book there. I read your response, I just felt it was like me speaking but someone from the opposite sex. You've been Extremely Lucky to have had that background. I repeat this Dear Kavita....You've been extremely lucky to have been surrounded by such people. I hope you're aware of that!! Not many are fortunate enough to have that kind of love&support, especially in the growing yrs. It feels great when one speaks So fondly about the other. What's Life? If it was not to make Each others life Easier? Yehi tho pyaar hai!!(This is what is Love)

Peace&Love...Sachin

If someone starts to gossip best way to help them is to simply state, by relating your self...

"I used to focus on other peoples faults to avoid looking at my own, and I want to avoid getting into that habit again so lets change the conversation." Doing this you have directed the statement at your self, yet imparted a truth aganst which they cannot defend.

Sachin,

You know the dark side of society comes from fear and insecurity which is born of Illusion and ignorance.

If we could some how eliminate that then there would be no dark side, there would be no war.

It is easy to be loving and "spiritual" when things are good, and to talk the talk but the real test is when things are not so good and it takes a lot to pass that test and it takes more than a mortal mind and a great depth of soul.

Kavita,
I really appreciate what you said about the amazing men in your life. I have known - and know- many amazing men too. :)

Dulcie,
Thanks for your reply. I agree with you. Some things are better left unsaid. And you are right, true friends don't believe gossip.

And Deepak is right on this too. We have no control over what people say or think of us. And in the end, it's best not to be concerned about it.

As you said, Dulcie, no one can take our dignity away from us.

Love, Kristin

HI Kavita; thanks; it sure was a long, hard past 6 months dealing with these women! A real nightmare at times; and I can't tell you how many times I wanted to submit my resignation; knowing this is what they wanted, ultimately.

AS the figure head; I found it not only a duty of position; but also to put on a major show/as a deterant to other possible gossips in the auxillary.

I've worked too long and hard to be where I AM in the volunteer world; and I'll not let jealous, catty, old bored, rich women with power because of money; destroy my only existance, being as I cannot physically work to support my family as a single Mom.

I guess they saw me as most do; socially stagnant, poor and stupid. Well, weren't they in for a surprise, when I read the "riot act!"

What is tragic though; is the source from which this gossiping is spawned; these women in my group are long-standing active members; and I just cannot figure out why they would become so negative; in the harvesting of their many years experience!

I suppose, gossip-mongering has no definitive description of a gossip-user; nor does it descriminate against race, religion or age.

Gossip/slander/defemation of character; is nothing but a negative manifestation of a very disgruntled spirit, with too much free time; making their minds too idle.

North

Absolutely right on Richard!! But You cannot simply eliminate the dark in the humans at the mass scale as you were talking. Dalai Lama's and Dear Deepak's insights on this topic tell you all about it. If at all anything has to change, it has to happen at the root level...as they both point it out beautifully, at the awareness, at the conscience of human beings. If nothing happens there.... forget it. History repeats itself as we So often see in any given period of time.

Love...Sachin

Jealousy and rumors by "well wishers" were huge contributions to my parents splitting apart and our family breaking apart.
Communication is key and making sure that nobody is assuming anything is how it should be dealt with. But then again if you are with someone who believes any old crap someone musters up about you then they are probably not worth being with.

kavita,
very nice post !!!!this is such a big problem for Indian women..
i do feel that truth sets you free..gossip and rumors do colour the best relationships with hatred ..I feel in Indian society women back biting is more and it is also evident if u watch any of the programmes broadcasted ..they target mostly women ...in the Indian society it is taken for granted and there is no show down basically where the person who spreads gossip is confronted..may be this was the reason that few of the sanskrit stories from our past have told men to be careful of women..but no where hav the provided the solutions to the problem..

Kavita,

Gossip ,or rather the fear of it has played an important role in my life.At the age of 16, I was offered a lead role in a magnum opus and I refused. Stardust and its scandalous stories had captured the imagination of Indians the world over. Since I was and am conservative in a sense, the idea of featuring in one of them petrified me no end. Today I am amused at my trepidation in the matter, considering that the offer had come from no less than Mr.Raj Kapoor himself!

Pesonally, I opine that indulging in slanderous gossip is unforgivable.How can an individual live with himself after being instrumental in robbing another of his peace? Despite having le a sheltered existence, more out of choice than compulsion, I have had to deal with my fair share of slanderous talk, notwithstanding.Over the years, I have embraced a strategy. Outwardly, I fight the talk in the best possible manner, with my dignity and poise intact, but inwardly I send a prayer for peace and healing to the one responsible ,knowing that all he/she is gaining is a perpetuating of negative karma, and the seeds are going to cause havoc perpetually. As long as ones deeds dont merit a negative response, under ones inner scrutiny, spineless tongues are finally just hat, spineless.

What is expected of any individual worth his salt would be to try and nip any gossip,with dangerous ramifications, in its nascent stage itself. Being a passive listener is contributing actively too.

Must laud you for your efforts in that direction. It really is creditworthy to stick your neck out for a deserving issue.

North,

It is highly creditable the manner in which you have dealt with this totally unwarranted mess these petty women have created.They had to be stopped in their tracks . Perhaps you have done them a favour too, which ofcourse they are not capable of realising now.

Now that it is all over, you should discard "the monkey from your back'and carry on without reliving the incidents, or this episode of misery will take root.I dislike basically to advise and sermonise, since individuals know what is best for them , yet cannot help but feel deeply for you,therfore am sharing with you my take on it. Healing is an important step to resolution of any problem. More often than not, whatever we face is a result of what has ben determuned. If we add further to the existing trauma, then instead of eradicating it from its roots after it has unfolded its worst, we instead water the seeds to perpetuate more such instances in our life resulting in a never ending vicious circle.Therfore , I always send healing either through Reiki or pristine intention of peace and goodwill for all.Life is too short to be converted into a never ending saga of petty wars.

Heres hoping life unfolds only goodies for you henceforth.

Kaveetaa

Sachin,

Your right about elminating the dark side on a mass scale, I keep forgetting Earth is a galactic penal colony.

Then there is that dreaded question we all ask, am I a social worker or an inmate?

Hi Kavita,
The more I read your blogs , the more I respect you.
As far as dealing with this kind of nuicance is concerned , they should be encountered head-on, rather than by silence .
Besides I think such acts are result of an idle and sick mind and a timely dressing down of the type you did, is an appropriate cure.
Ispita Saha

Thanks Kaveetaa, I've already abandoned the tension/stress that accumulated over the past 6 months; while dealing with this contentious issue.

IF I were not the strong woman I believe myself to be; I think for sure; I would be reliving the experience, and allowing it to fruitfully mal-adjust into my thinking patterns.

Praise God I have the strength to withdraw the negative; and all the experience I have had up to this point; to see this action through without lingering fingers of discontentment, grappling my emotions. whew! Freedom is nice.

Keep on, keeping on, Kaveetaa; good topic!

North

Thanks North,Sachin, Richard, Preethi, Kaveetaa, Ispita, Kristen and Rita.
I think as long as the human race is in existence gossip will always form an intrinsic part of our life. It is up to all of us individually to find a solution, and it has been an eye opener to see how many of you approach this issue and have dealt with it strongly in your own way.
Rita to your comment that when you are with someone who believes stuff about you they are not worth being with, let me tell you that few years ago 3 of my very close friends gossiped about me-rather shallow gossip-like I dont drink and I dont serve liqor in my house-so if they have to booze they have to either drink before they show up for dinner or after-they made wise cracks amongst each other..oh come on lets hide a liqor bottle in our car..we aint getting any at Kavita's..I have seen an uncle turn alcoholic and ruin a brilliant career and screw up his family-I grew up hating the smell of liqor..my dad is a military man and doesnt drink, and I was not about to start serving liqor just to cater to their whims and that of their hubbies..and there was some other petty stuff like that..and the fourth one came and tattled to me about it..the piece of information didnt surprise me because the other three had tattled petty stuff about each other to me, and I had already come to the conclusion that if they can talk about each other and we are all close, then why would they spare me..unlike the others however, who had not had the guts, I caught hold of all of them and got them to admit what they had been doing..mercifully all of them realized their mistake once they were shown the mirror..we have been friends for over a decade and so I didnt dump them...and today our relationship is stronger and more loving- no one gossips..
My reason for not dumping them was simple..these were genuinely good,loving and helpful people but with idle minds and I had to give them a chance (actually I give people 3 chances to redeem themselves)to rectify this flaw..
I was talking Rahul Khanna the other day when he wrote about gossip..that how often people indulge in petty gossip and say oh its harmless and we were just having fun, but its not harmless and its not fun or funny..as rita pointed out, it can break up homes and as Kaveetaa mentioned petrify someone enough to give up on what could have been an amazing opportunity to become a world figure.
I am sure Kaveetaa with her talents and beauty has found other enriching avenues. There are battered women who dont leave horrible marriages because they are afraid of gossip-what will people say, no one will marry my daughters, and so on..
Eventually we have to see what could be the repercussions of slander or vicious tale carrying and while taking the high road is commendable in some cases, in others intervention becomes necessary.
Sachin, you are right, not every one has been as fortunate as I have to have such great male role models..I did have a woman mentor too-Anees Jung an amazing writer herself, but the men outnumbered the women in my life by far..

Gossip-mongering is a form of emotional dis-ease. I realize, the women in my group gossiped because they were idle of mind and body. Nothing better to do/be; than to gossip about others.

I think, they got a real good view on how damage-causing gossip can be!

Being a single woman/mom; has displaced me in many ways in my community; but, that does not give anyone the right to criticize or dissect my life; and it sure was up to me; to stop the dis-ease of the mouth/mind in it's tracks.

However, in my case; because it was members of this group about members of the group; I chose the maximum level of intervention I could muster; bringing it to the membership table. As I mentioned; these women are rich, powerful widow's whom have come to believe their rich's and power; cannot be dismissed nor disempowered. Well, I think; for some of the four; they woke up in life perhaps, at last!?

North

Hi all,

The world outside is there to give you what you need to outgrow from within. Nothing happens out of the blue but as determined by your inner scheme of things or genetic makeup and only to help you move further on your ladder of evolution.

It takes a life time to know that no gossip is totally without reason. Otherwise, you will not become even aware of it. Alternately, it will not stick to you whatever anybody does.

Harb

Dear Kaveetaa....I'm always struck by the balance and poise in your posts, even though this topic is not my cup of tea.....but loved the logic you presented and having a broadview of such a complex situation. There are way too many approaches to deal with a situation like that as was mentioned all along the thread. But I definitely agree....nipping off in the bud, confrontation, tolerating a crime sometimes amounts to a crime.

You write great Kaveetaa! May I know do you write for some magazine?

Love...Sachin

Dear Kavita....So many different perspectives to such a situation, goes to show we always have so many approaches to choose from.

My answer basically was...depends on our outlook and the philosophy we believe in. The point of High road however, I agree with you...is not always the best. There are of course times where just Plain Common sense should prevail. Confront and nip it off in the bud. Which approach when to use...one has to have the judgement to select though.

Kavita...Why is that you're the only contributor who comes and mingles with other bloggers. Why not some others? Vijay and Shekhar do...but generally the contributors don't. I'm sure you do know that Bloggers love that aspect of yours.

Love...Sachin

CHILLAX,

LIFE IS GOSSIP, A LIE..AN ILLUSION

Arjunan, your comment brought a smile to my face..so much said in one line..bravo!
Sachin,
I can't speak on behalf of others, but I enjoy interactive discussions. All of you put so much thought and time into your responses, it is important for me to acknowledge that

Sachin,

Thanx a lot for your kind words.Yes I was Mumbai Editor of a fortnightly People's Pulse.I enjoyed my stint, but did not find it creatively fulfilling . I am presently writing a film script, while taking on acting assignments off and on . In my spare time have studied tarot , aroma therapy, feng shui,numerology and am a trained yoga teacher.I wish to be a student all my life and have learnt so much from this blog as well.

Gosh its reading more like a curriculum vitae..LOl

Hello again.
Magenta you asked about the idea that "our reality is just a reflection of us"... and Harb you mentioned that "no gossip is totally without reason."

I think those are both important points. Anything that happens in our lives, including gossip, is something we have drawn to us - either consciously or unconsciouly. And there is a message for us that if we can embrace will bring us greater awareness, peace and understanding. Sometimes I forget how important - and how FREEING - it is to take responsibility for what I have drawn into my life. That doesn't mean I may not choose to defend myself if appropriate - but it does take take the blame off of the other person/s. And thus shifts the drama from one of "who is right and who is wrong" to "how can I better understand - both myself and the other?"

Being "right" is ultimately an EMPTY VICTORY if we leave anyone behind, even those we choose to believe have harmed us. I'm not saying that we shouldn't take care of ourselves. Just that (and I think that this is what Kavita may have been saying to North), blaming and holding a grudge of any sort is self defeating and a lot more harmful to ourselves than what anyone else can say or do to us.

Harb, after reading your statement I thought about how if something is said that has no truth to it - or does not touch a wound within myself - it doesn't bother me at all. (Such as Kavita's example about being called a Lesbian.) However, if there is some truth to it or it touches a wound within myself I am tempted to lose my sense and get caught in the false perspective that I am being victimized in some way.

Thanks to everyone for this discussion and learning experience. It's reminded me of some very important things. :)

Love, Kristin

Kristen, you raised a very important point about not holding grudges. I think it applies to pretty much every relationship in life and not just in responding to gossip. I think one of the most self defeating things in life is to simmer over things forever. It makes you unhappy and emotionally unhealthy, darkens the environment around you and the negativity permeates into every thing around you. The power of forgiveness is so vibrant and so positive, it cleanses both us and the person we choose to forgive.
These days I give myself about 30 minutes to be angry, feel sorry for myself or any other negtaive emotion I feel..I used to stay mad for days if I felt someone had been mean or unkind..I feel its eually unhealthy to suppress anger and hurt..so I let it come out..writing is very therapeutic..I write things and then rip and throw away the paper..then I just take a deep breath and move on..
I do make it a point though to let the person know that they have hurt me, but I dont yell and scream as I did when I was a teenager. I have also realised having the last word is usually a hollow victory..your triumph is unfulfilling, you made someone else look small and nothing positive came out of it..I think it has made me a better listener and a better human being, though as I mentioned to Sachin in a private email..our lives are a work in progress and there is always scope for more improvement

Hi Kristin,

That is a good point. Gossip is only "hurtful" when it is given power by our belief in it (even if that belief is unconscious). Ultimately we are hiding from our own wretchedness...or at least what we view as wretched. In reality the aspects within ourselves that we hide away are equally holy and equally valuable (maybe even more so) than the masks that we wear from day to day.

Kavita found the idea that she was being called a lesbian as funny because the idea of lesbianism didn't threaten her. She is heterosexual, but there was no "wretchedness" or fear in her viewpoint of people that are homosexual.

When others gossip about us, we can use it as a wonderful tool for spiritual growth. Our reactions to the gossip can show us where we hold fear or judgment.

In a way, those that are gossiping about us can be our greatest Guru's.

Peace,
Scott.

Kristin,

The point I was trying to make in my post was exactly this that healing has to be adopted for both the sides. Open wounds only fester and scar for life. No healing can be at its optimum without forgiveness and I daresay philosophising that the occurrence was destined but our reaction is not,is a good beginning.

Kavita...You're very thoughtful! It really is nice when the contributor himself/herself shows that from time to time that he/she reads it. Maybe,if it's possible you can pass on this message.

Kaveeta...I had asked you, and you told me that. Ty for telling me/us here. It helps in better understanding. Aapka CV Bahut khub Kaveetaji!! I liked what you wrote there....didn't find it creatively fulfilling. Fulfillment! Do what you love to do. Yes, learning doesn't stop. I don't know Kaveeta but I'm being dead honest just a pure thought from my heart, no ulterior motives whatsoever.... it's a coincidence that you both are by the same name...Kavita&Kaveeta,I enjoy reading your posts/perspectives. Ek baath hai usmein jho dil ku chujathi hai. Writing mein that is the most imp thing, I'm sure you wud agree on that. Jaise Deepakji likhthehai, I will go miles to read what he says.

You said learning never stops..Acha bathavo tumne kya kya seeka ye thread mein se??LOL! Humor, affection and lightheartedness nahi hotha ye forums peh, which I think makes discussions so lively and attractive.

Peace&Love...Sachin

Good for you, Kavita. Thanks for sharing how you embrace forgiveness and the positive impact it has upon your life. Also, acknowleding that your life, as all of ours, is a "work in progress" is a great reminder as well.

Kaveeta, yes, I think so too. Remembering we can choose our response is key.

Have any of you observed how something can seem to be dreadful and oppressive to you in one moment and then in the next moment with a shift in perspective suddenly - the VERY SAME thing/situation/person seems beautiful, open, a great opportunity, etc...?

Perspective is such a key.

Love, Kristin

Kavita...You used to sulk for so long. You're Very heartcentred Kavita...Which is great! How Immature Emotionally kids can be. No? Adults too are sometimes. LoL! I'm sorry....I'm in a very humoros mood. EQ is my fav subject right now. All my life I've spent analysing, dissecting. Heart Emotion, Intuition?? None has really taught, neither do they teach at school. Forums peh aathe hai tho...it's all mind mind and mind.

Can you ask Mallika to create an Exclusively Heart section where only talk from the heaaaart will be entered, the rest deleted. LOL!!!

Love...Sachin

Kristin,

It is obvious. If the problem is not withn us, may be at some deeper level so that we are not even aware of, gossiping will not draw our reaction.

It is also true that if there is a problem within us, at first we lose our senses but if we are firmly standing on our spiritual feet so to say soon we would begin to look within rather than without and begin work there.

Hello Kaveetaa, great to learn that you were offered a role by Raj Kapoor! Perhaps you too are a hidden gem like Aachi Mithin? Where one can see your works? IN which films/dramas you acted if you don't mind asking?

Harb.

Hi Sachin,
What a heart-y mood you are in! Smiles all around, for the heart knows no bounds!

I hope Mallika will consider your idea.

My heart is heavy just now, for my precious beagle puppy, so fun and full of love for me, is very sick, and cannot recover.

I am holding a vigil, and keeping happiness a part of it.

With love,
~~ Kate

Thanks for your thoughts Harb and Sachin.
Kate my prayers for your beagle..they are adorable and I think we can all learn about unconditional loving from dogs. Sachin may be you should write to mallika on the open thread blog about the new section and also to request that you all hear from more bloggers!:)

Harb Bhraji,

gosh.. no. I dont have the talent of the kind aachi has exhibited. I was too chicken to take up film offers when I grew up because of yellow journalism and frankly also since my brothers had put the fear of the gods into me that nobody would marry me, if my name ever got linked in the gossip columns.So, despite the fact that my dear father supported me wholeheartedly, my brothers ,on the sly fed me horrific stories about the industry. So much so that I even went to a girls college, Sophias!It amuses them no end that I was so gullible. But as a child I had worked with good people in Devar, saawan ki ghata, Aman, Balak and an english film By M.G.M.

Like we were mentioning in this blog, that some good does emerge, I think my decision worked for me. My hard work in my student years payed off and I topped the university as a graduate and then got a scholarship by the British University for post graduation since my subjects were British history and the constitution. But my father was hesitant about sending me off... so thats that.And of course I got married and continued to be a student. Since I had won almost all the singing competitions in college, went on to learning some more, also did a course in Advertising and marketing from St. Xaviers , and montessori training too since I am extremely fond of kids.

Have done some work On star plus for friends.. serials and stuff and am starting my own production soon. Am hesitant to get very busy since my sons appearing for his boards this year, so feel like being with him at this crucial juncture, till march.

And have noticed you are a punjabi. I was an Oberoi(nee) so am one too. I cannot converse very well though.But I love Punjab and sarson da saag and safed makhan and lassi in those huge pittal glasses.

Tabiyat khush ho gayee!!

Kavita...I've told there in that thread to her. Kaun kiski suntha hai idhar? I was trying to send a message thru' the contact, but cudn't. I'll try later though.
Love...Sachin

Sachin,
I have emailed Mallika about it. I hope all of you will not think that we dont read what is posted on our blogs-I know Mallika spends a lot of time reading through so many blogs as do I and I'm sure the others do as well, but I guess every one has a hectic life style, travel, work,kids etc. The intention is not to ignore all the wonderful people who take so much time to post their responses. I know all of us really appreciate your input..This blog would not be as vibrant and rich in content if it wasnt for all of you

Kaveeta,

Sooo happy to know you. Yours is an interesting story. You are just held up when everything seems to be ready for a go. First from Raj Kapoor's film, then from higher study, then from acting in serials...Though I have my own explanation for this. Some people are on higher rungs of the ladders of evolution, or at deeper levels of reality. Their outer world has now rather come inside them, into their minds. They are more to work there. The energy saved from being spent on outside projects will push them deeper and deeper inside, or within. It has happened with me.

Anyway, happy to meet you. You have a real bhra ji here now. Let me know if I can do anything for you from here. Saag, makhan, lassi tan ithon bhejian kharab ho jaegi na. But anything else you wish.

What do you mean by Oberoinee? Are you married into late Mohan Singh Oberoi's family? Who was a Hotel Tycoon?

Dher saara piar,

Harb

Umm, ahem; I think I must make a mention more clearly on behalf of the action I had to take to stop negative, abusive, gossipy/slandering mongerers in my auxillary.

Their actions were five years in the making. I was a member, less than two years when elected. In that two years(last year) I was Chaplain/Executive/Sgt. at Arms. I think, they were mega-intimidated by my leadership ability.

They believed me to be simple-headed; and a prime, ripe target to manipulate. (I guess, in some ways; such a costume I'm given by people like they; has it's inherent perks-they assume of me)In a way; being in "my shoe's" and having lived both sides of the fence; never reaching close to any tops; nor have I fallen to rock bottom, because I hold NO heavy rocks of burden, other than student loan debts, un-repayable. This experience of my lifetime to present; has given me such an eagle-eyed view of people and their self-invizibled, transparant actions of discrimination they "show" people.

Ever get a smile from someone at a gathering; only to know; they just called you a cruel name in the other room to another; when they thought you were NOT IN the room?

I was a human rights activist; whom secured four sets of 27 books; for 4 local libraries! I advocated against social and community injustice's "because of" discriminatory opinions people have of us on disability(me, for example.)

People assume; because I am on disability; I am instantly granted stupidity and blissful ignorance. Oh, dear me; who's the lost one's?

I wrote/published many articles on social, safety-net issues; like a 21.6% income cut; they then-government, revoked from ALL recipients on assistance!! My son and I had to instantly learn how to live/survive two hundred dollars less a month.

I am just trying to ensure; that Canada, never has an India, or Pakistan, or Africa in the making!! Disability is not a fault; why should we be punished with poverty and helplessness to societies mongerers for it?

WE become nothing but statistical, political election-maps.

People assume; once they "get to know me" that because I am educated; pretty(so I'm told) and not simple; perhaps knieve to a fault; that I should be out there working; manifesting the all Canadian-dream!

Well, first off; I am physically disabled; yes, I look "normal in every way" and I can walk, and am not confined to helplessness/hoplessnes mind-boxing. I have 7 degenerative discs which began in early 30's. By early 40's my digestive system shut down(atrohic gastritis) Upon investigation of birth-history; it is in lieu of growing up, severely impoverished, to mid-teens. WE went hungry an awful lot! I remember, what eating leaves, tastes like; I remember the musky smell of rotted wood; and bat-dropping filled holed attics; lead paint. I remember once, me and two siblings, eating wood; knawing like a beaver.

WE were homeless for weeks one summer, I was probably around age: 4-6 years old; Me, Mom, and four siblings; snuck into an isolated, public pool area park at the edge of town; that's where we slept; showered. One of my mom's friends; brought fresh food when she could; we hid during the day; and swam to our heart's content! To us kids, it was a great adventure; but, to Mom; she endured community shame, etc. To ME<, my Mom is my hero and mentor of what compassion means.

I am NOT, exactly what I was born "as" but, rather the product "of."

That product; is my strength and mental ability; to stop abuse against disabled, old(49) women like me; before one day; I am so isolated; I might die from helplessness; rather than this digestive, incurable disease; which will claim my limbs; given to me; since my birth in 1956-1970, as an impoverished.

To exemplify the need more here; to eradicate poverty; is almost futile; it seems, it would only take a tsunami or hurricanes or earthquakes; to bring the plight of poverty-related; early degenerative organe/bone/joint disease's of survivors to an open window; and into the light.

There are so many hundreds of thousands of women like me; out here. Can anyone see us?

AS is; I have already proved wrong; the statistics that unjustifiably, and discriminatively verify disabled people with labels such as: ignorant, junkies, addicts, alcoholics and the low mental capacity like, and disliked.

Whew! And, it wasn't easy; either!

So, just thought I'd give mention; as I come around to the initial point of this outpour for understanding, is that; the abusive women in the group; were "using" the group as a means to secure private information on members! They maniplated elections; that's how they stayed in power. They were intercepting MY mail; giving it to me late, if at all! Many things to manipulate my Presidential ability. I'll not stand by and tolerate such boldness to disarm my good name and qualifications. I'll not appologise, to society, nor my community; for being disabled, or pretty, or half-decent smart, or creative in design and poetry; or deciding to raise my son; without a father!

I have earned the right; to speak against intolerable conditions and women, whom abuse their money and power.

Ergo; and hence; I had to use the means necessary; to ensure safety of privacy and information of our auxillary; but using the auxillary "head officers" to investigate the breach of our mandate and non-compliance; considering it was there within the group; that it was being manifested from. They also targeted other members; members they "thougtht" they could get away with manipulating with abuse too(wink.)

North

Kaveeta....It's good to hear about your work. You're a singer! Nice! Even Kavita comes from a musical background. Her website is very good. I'm sure you must have seen but I recommend to those who haven't seen it...Kavitachhibber.com Very good work done by her. Plz don't get me wrong I'm not advertising or anything, but I just thought the bloggers here who like her should know what a Wonderful Woman she is!

By the way You didn't answer my question Kaveeta:))))Kidding!

Hello Kate...yeah this site gets too cerebral sometimes, and it's you people who talk matters of the heart so well. I wanted to speak from the heart purely. Hope to see you speak when you get back later.

Yes, dogs are Just Awesome when it comes to Unconditional love. You said...it may not recover...Is that so? In My prayers. Love..Sachin

Good on you Mallika!! It's good you've gave some feedback, that way bloggers won't be left assuming. Of course the site is vibrant and doing great....quality stuff!! Reminds me of the days of htkg in 2001. It's never been like that though, just my thought on that. Chopra.com in its early yrs did very well in the interaction and learning part, but of late there's too much Rancour. Who decides how high the bar of editing should be?? Real mean words and phrases have been allowed under the name of freedom from people like Unknown. Plz try to see my Underlying intention behind this.

I'm sure you don't doubt a bit about my gratitude towards all that you offer to the world. It's just that aur acha vho saktha tho kyun nahin? Just that little participaton from the contributors like that of Kavita, can make a huge change in the way bloggers wud respond. See how much warmth she brings in to her responders. I don't demand this...not at all. I'm just presenting with this logic, that this way it cud be way better for this lovely site.

Plz convey in person if you can My Regards and Love to The Awesome Man Dear Deepak. Love&Gratitude as Always....Sachin

Yes, the higher road would be to talk it out one on one, and leave it there, but me, I would actually pick a day where there are a lot of people around to talk it out. Anybody that makes up stuff doesn’t deserve anything less. With petty, stupid gossip I usually laugh it off. If they have nothing better to do but to just sit around and make up stuff, I pity them. If it’s something big that needs to be addressed I would confront them and do it around people and embarrass them. I have no problem doing that.

Rita Raju, I completely agree with you. People who believe any gossip that comes their way, are not worth being with, or aren't even worth explaining yourself to. Anyone who is worth explaining yourself to already knows that it’s just mere gossip.

Hi Sachin,

Yes, I have been to Kavita's site. She truly is amazing. Over time her basic character of being giving and caring has come through in her posts as also her multi dimensional personality.Her interaction is indeed praiseworthy and so is her warmth.

As for what I have gained on this blog... How could have I ever located so many individuals from all over the world , at a single site who more often than not speak the same language of life? To me its priceless.

Harb bhraji,

You are soo kind. Please dont worry about my decisions. Things have never really got held up, as you put it. I wonder why is it that you thought so. My decisions have always been for one vs the other. If being in films at the time , meant me losing out on the loving family life of a husband and children, it would never be worth its while. If going abroad for post graduation meant stress for my already ailing father, then it was meaningless. And presently if my personal ambition overrides my paramount duty as a mother,to be there when my son needs me, then any advent into that career will be negating my whole existence. If you go through my other posts on this thread, you will know that I do a lot more,have a lot many interests with the right kind of balance between home and personal gratification and outlet for creativity.

Fame comes with a price tag and small print at the bottom of the page, which I cannot put my signature of acceptance to , right now. It will have to wait and I will get it on my terms or not at all. Please do not mistake this for pompousness, just living by the adage "fools rush in where angels fear to tread'.Have been witness to many a life go awry due to hankering after worldly success and false sheen n gloss at the risk of losing the real mint i.e. Oneself, ones values and ones family.

You are perceptive when you say that this may have led me inwards. The journey of answering 'existential questions' and more began in'84. I devoured Bhagwad Gita, its translations, went onto Swami Vivekananda and Ramakrishna paramhansa.. I was fascinated By Vivekananda. Then onto sri Aurobindo. Krishnamurti,Guru nanak, The Bible and finally it has culminated In buddhist Technique Of Vippassana. I have gained a lot here and the experiences have made me realise the difference between Manna(believing) and janna(Knowing).I have known first hand. This may not be the right platform to elucidate on it further.

Mohan singh Oberoi was my fathers Uncle,Not very close though.

I dont require anything, would hope to meet you some day. Twada mere vaaste sochna hi bada hai!

Sat sri akal.

Love,
Kaveetaa

Hi Sachin,

Yes, I have been to Kavita's site. She truly is amazing. Over time her basic character of being giving and caring has come through in her posts as also her multi dimensional personality.Her interaction is indeed praiseworthy and so is her warmth.

As for what I have gained on this blog... How could have I ever located so many individuals from all over the world , at a single site who more often than not speak the same language of life? To me its priceless.

Harb bhraji,

You are soo kind. Please dont worry about my decisions. Things have never really got held up, as you put it. I wonder why is it that you thought so. My decisions have always been for one vs the other. If being in films at the time , meant me losing out on the loving family life of a husband and children, it would never be worth its while. If going abroad for post graduation meant stress for my already ailing father, then it was meaningless. And presently if my personal ambition overrides my paramount duty as a mother,to be there when my son needs me, then any advent into that career will be negating my whole existence. If you go through my other posts on this thread, you will know that I do a lot more,have a lot many interests with the right kind of balance between home and personal gratification and outlet for creativity.

Fame comes with a price tag and small print at the bottom of the page, which I cannot put my signature of acceptance to , right now. It will have to wait and I will get it on my terms or not at all. Please do not mistake this for pompousness, just living by the adage "fools rush in where angels fear to tread'.Have been witness to many a life go awry due to hankering after worldly success and false sheen n gloss at the risk of losing the real mint i.e. Oneself, ones values and ones family.

You are perceptive when you say that this may have led me inwards. The journey of answering 'existential questions' and more began in'84. I devoured Bhagwad Gita, its translations, went onto Swami Vivekananda and Ramakrishna paramhansa.. I was fascinated By Vivekananda. Then onto sri Aurobindo. Krishnamurti,Guru nanak, The Bible and finally it has culminated In buddhist Technique Of Vippassana. I have gained a lot here and the experiences have made me realise the difference between Manna(believing) and janna(Knowing).I have known first hand. This may not be the right platform to elucidate on it further.

Mohan singh Oberoi was my fathers Uncle,Not very close though.

I dont require anything, would hope to meet you some day. Twada mere vaaste sochna hi bada hai!

Sat sri akal.

Love,
Kaveetaa

Sorry for the double posting.. The name was misspelt and though I stopped the post, it quickly went through.

Kaveeta,

Perhaps I have been misunderstood for using the words 'held up'. I see every happening in one's life in a positive way and ultimately for serving oneself. So just as I thought you have benefitted inwardly from every episode of not rushing out. You have become an enlightened person.

It is icing on the cake that you have got rather first hand knowledge of things spiritual.

I can know when one is speaking from the courage of one's convictions and I don't see it as pumpousness. I myself often spoke like this in my youth. Nor have I ever failed to achieve whatever I have set my eyes upon. I am sure you too will.

There was a war movie in which a general says "Have I ever lost?" Like your "khudie ko kar buland itna", these general's words over the years have become my pet phrase.

Wishing you all the best.

You said you sometimes work at Star Plus for friends. As an actoress? And if yes, in which serial and as which character?

Harb

PS: BTW you can write to me at harb_singh@yahoo.com about your jnana experiences or the like if you think that this may not be the right forum for further explanations or it may seem like blowing one's own trumpet.

Thanks every one, Sachin, Mallika, Kaveetaa for all your kind words. Kaveetaa, I think you are truly accomplished in so many ways because you have your priorities right. I believe very much in the saying-waqt se pehle aur kismat se zyada kisi ko kuch nahin milta. You have achieved so much in terms of so many fulfilling interests, have the sensitivity to take in to consideration the needs of your family over material gains..it is truly commendable..I read once that on one's death bed, no one says oh I should have worked an extra hour in the office..the regrets are always being unable to spend quality time with loved ones..I am reminded of Kiron Kher..who took almost 14 years off to raise her son Sikander..and look at her now..2 national awards under her belt and some wonderful work has come her way..I'm sure you will continue to grow and be enriched because you have such a healthy, balanced outlook.
Thanks every one for all the interesting posts..my internet was down for 3 hours and now I see more blogs and new posts.its tough to keep up but a lot of fun nevertheless!

Kaveeta....I don't know if you've noticed this, wud have. Some posts...some people when they speak. It is like they are speaking on your behalf, what we call Reflection. To me...it's very few which do that. Kavita's were as mentioned before. Very hearty Woman!!

Now when I read yours, it was that. What you said in the above posts, I got tired of telling some of my Dr.friends, most of them in US now running after what you said. BTW, I'm a Medical Doctor, was into teaching..my passion...had lived in Australia and Canada, but was fed up with the fast paced materialistic life there. I simply packed up all that, as it never gave me the fulfillment which a Simple slow paced life around nature filled with Love&Joy wud have given.

I'm sharing this here Kaveetaa, becoz it's exactly what you have done in your life I'm doing it presently. Neither do I want to sound pompous as it does invariably though when you express yourself becoz certain expressions best express your thoughts. Fools rush where angels fear to tread. Well...I think it is basically each one's path, but all the glamour, superficial life....just showy from the outside. From the inside you are simmering with no contentment or peace....of What use is that life?? Where you are hurting yourself from inside,but to the world show a smiling face!! We don't live life on others terms or what majority of the society expects....to hell with that. What you love, what contents you, what fulfills you....as you told is what gives meaning. It's fine if making money and material world gives you that, but it is not fine when your heart aches for your country or love or one of the most fervent things you always wanted to do in life, but cudn't becoz of running blindly after money. You'll find a lot of them like that in US, not saying all, mind you. They go by only one equation money is directly proportional to happiness. More money more happiness. How wrong that can be sometimes.

Why did I see the Integrity in you Kaveetaa just in a couple of posts which I mentioned earlier, even before knowing anything about you?? Now when you tell a little about yourself, it's like On dot!! Sometimes I just know!! It hits you deep inside, which we call Intuition.

It was a Pleasure Interacting with you!! See you around with more good stuff.

Peace&Love...Sachin

Kavitaji....Waqt se pehle aur kismat se zyaada kisi ko kuch nahin miltha!! Subanallah!! On dot!

Yes, it's happening with me too, before I make my post suddently 2-3 are already there, and sometimes it looks as though one has not heeded to one of the posts. It was like this just now.

Well....after a very long time, I've enjoyed so much interacting on the forum. Plz don't throw it onto me as something is wrong with me, as so often they do on such forums, it's almost a fixed pattern. I simply had stopped enjoying the forums, becoz there was no Real affection, no respect, no intention to understand the others intention but the name was Intentblog....those things are very imp for me in an interaction. Kya Kayal hai aapka Kavitaji??

Love...Sachin

I think I have been fortunate that way..people by and large have been very kind and warm on my blogs..so aap ko jab warmth or respect kam lage, mere blog pe aa jayiye :)

My precious dog has made it to the stars, on this crisp Autumn eve. I will not forget the joy and fun he brought to our family. Smiles and tears tonight mingle.

I am fatigued, yet there is always an energy I feel, when I am in the company of great writing and sharing.

Kavita, you have done it. You have a way of writing that is so good, it brings out the best comments and stories from the posters here.

I am moved, and send hugs to all of you. It is a blessing to be part of this community.
Thank you,
~~ Kate

K,

Extremely sorry to hear about your dog - they are family and the loss is always painfull.

Kavita and Kaveeta,

Both of you hit it spot on for me - selectively take on the gossip monger and maintain your own dignity. I think nothing effects them worse than the fact that others don't descend to their level - it hits them where it hurts most.

Kate sorry to hear about your loss, but I know there are many precious memories to cherish, and memories dont go away like our loved ones do

Kate, so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious pup; I too, hope the memories linger near your heart without painful depths.

North

Dear Kate, all my love goes to you. I'm glad that you're here, sharing.

Dear Kate...I know it must have been sorrowful to lose a being who is so unconditional, they truly exemplify what is Unconditional love and we've to learn that from them. I'm sure you understand on the other hand though, all the life forms manifestation of One are transient. Here today, gone tomorrow that applies to all of us, you me everyone. The love which the Awareness experiences thru' these transient forms is Eternal. We do have to know what is permanent and what is transient. One is only a superimposition on the other. I'm sure you know all this...but yes there is always a grieving period to undergo, then you would always have the beautiful memories with you to drive and inspire you to be more loving. Wudn't you?

Peace&Love...Sachin

Dear Kavita...have you wondered why bloggers get in warmth in your thread? As I had pointed out to Mallika....it's how the bloggers feel about the contributor, other than the pure content.

If the heart section doesn't come out soon here. I may very well have to spend exchanging thoughts on your blog. It was really You who got me into this interaction from your other thread of "Fav Love story". If it wasn't for your loving responses, I wud have never.

Hope you bring in Such heart material in your next blog.

Love..Sachin

Thank you for your kind words Sachin,though I can say this from experience that some of the bloggers here that I know personally are genuinely warm and humble people and try their best to write on the blog and respond to the posts-I know that my fellow bloggers appreciate and cherish the feedback they get on the blog from all of you-so please dont get disheartened...Mallika has already said she will try an open heart thread so I'm sure we will have some heart warming posts on that one..
look forward to it and I will be posting a heart warming blog tomorrow to honor someone special on thanksgiving day..because of this one person there are hundreds who have something to give thanks..

Kavita....Why is that here on these forums a statement is received like a Blanket Statement?? A blanket statement is clearly stated like...All bloggers are like that! None has humbleness!!

These are typical blanket statements. Most of the posts, especially of the contributors are twisted with an interpretation like this, but never see that the poster never meant An All thing. Of course I know there are lots of them who without even a little stimulus do produce that warmth here, the point was not about them but my point was about those who needed something for them to come out with warmth and mind you there are much more than those who don't need...and You bring that out very well from them.

Love..Sachin

thanks sachin..point well taken..

It really has been a special day - and I feel my spirit rise to High places, and it is because of the safe haven of sharing, and honesty, that makes me feel this way. How amazing. How wonderful.

I am thankful for all that intent is, and for the ones who share from deep places, with insight, humor, tears - yeah tears! and hope, and Love.

Thank you,
~~ Kate

Kavita,

What you are saying is subtle ego-bashing. I didnt find any insight into your thoughts other than I-am-holier-than-thou attitude.

Hi Manushi,
What I perceived in Kavita's article, was her intent to strip away the 'holier-than-thou' attitude, by showing what ego-bashing can do. Through gossip, and fabricating stories.

In her comments within this thread, she clarifies it even more. How hurtful and distructive malicious stories are.

Can you read the article again, and perhaps see this coming through?
Blessings,
~~ Kate

Dear Kate...How are you doing? I'm not sure if you visit chopra.com another lovely spiritual website. There are wonderful secions like spirit love and prayers. Good place for sharing and connecting with your fellow spirits.

Love...Sachin

Hi Sachin,
How good to know, there are places of sharing that intend for love and prayers, and the 'dance of spirit.'

I am a dancer, and a singer and a seeker, and ..... I am found, in a special place here! :)

I love your words. I will go to chopra.com
Will I find you there too?
With love,
~~ Kate

Kate, glad that you are handling things so well. Our prayers and good wishes are with you.Thank you also for your response to Manushi. I'm sure there is nothing personal in it, just her opinion.
Manushi, thank you for your comments..lets just say all of us see what we want to see in any thing, nature a piece of writing, a painting and dont see what we dont want to see.
It has always been fascinating for me to see how the same thing can be perceived differently by people.
I'm too earthy and fond of mischief to be holy or holier than thou!:) and I accept your post just as I accept all the others on this blog.I think what I wrote is pretty self explanatory and every one is free to see it as they wish!
Take care

Hi Kavita ,
This is with respect to some minors bottlenecks in www.intentblog.com.
1.First of all i have noticed when we navigate to some page the HOME link disappers, leaving the user with, no option of returning to the Home page.
2. Secondly when one clicks on the admin we come across some error.

Thanking you
Take Care
Ispita Saha

Hi Kate...Nice to know you're doing well. Wow! Singer! My God! What kind of coincidence is this, I had stopped getting into the discussions at the forum, I just got into at the other thread and responded to three beautiful people...and all the Three happen to be Singers...which simply is one of my Fav hobbies. What a Coincidence!

Thanks for seeing the Goodness in my words. I try my best not to speak from the Ego, but from the Spirit with the most humbleness I can and sometimes I like the humor. I like speaking one to one, which makes you speak much more freely from the heart without any fears of others tampering your posts. Here's my email id, if you like conversing, nidarr@yahoo.com I enjoy talking about different topics, our perspectives and in what areas we need to grow and make changes for ourselves and then radiate it to others.

Chopra.com is more of a spiritual site than this one....but the audience there is a little different, you may enjoy that more, if you're more into pure spirituality.

Kate....You'll find me everywhere. In the Tree, in the bird, in the earth, in the sky. There's no place where you cannot find me!:)) Yes, It's from the Spirit, the deepest connection you experience with the creation.

Peace&Love...Sachin

Kavitaji...Bahut khub likha aapne! My first reaction was to respond to that post, but then thought for a while and realized it was not worth responding. Any sensible person cud have seen, you were the last person to have used the holier than thou attitude...as you explained to Kate. How clearly you told us that higher road has led to downfall sometimes for some and I was the one actually who was suggesting the higher road, becoz that is what I generally choose....but later as I thought a little more on the subject. I cudn't agree more with what you said how Intervention is the best in most cases and especially Kaveetaa's post I found were Awesomely balanced, the way she presented the broad picture. How intervening and nipping it off in the bud was the best.

What you wrote in the last post Kavita...is something I'm learning. It's just an opinion and most of them, with time spending over the forums have seen are Way too shallow. I tend to read and respect those opinions even if they are contrary to mine....where I see some depth and effort in it. Where the poster has read well, thought well over the subject and then wrote something. Hur kisi ko clarify karthe bait jaehnge tho vho gaya phir!

Love...Sachin

Ispita,
I will let Mallika know about the glitches. I have not had a problem like you have had..I wonder if its the software or something more.
Sachin,
thank you for your thoughts both to Kate and me..Its good to have such wonderful positive energy on my side and on my blogs..

Hi Kavita, Malice comes out of an individual's own deep seated insecurities. A relationship especially between husband and wife is all about love & trust. Trust comes out of open communication and telling each other everything..enjoying each other's company, being best friends and prefering your partner's company to any one else's etc. If your friend's hubby has an inkling of doubt, there is obviously a lack of trust. They need to be more open with each others needs. As some one said, the love for each other must exceed the need for each other.

Dear Sachin,
I knew that I sensed your presence with me on my walk at the park today:
"You'll find me everywhere. In the Tree, in the bird, in the earth, in the sky. There's no place where you cannot find me!:)) Yes, It's from the Spirit, the deepest connection you experience with the creation"

Thank you for keeping me company, dear one
~~ Kate

Hi Kate...It's great to have that connection with Mother nature and to see the One. Did you go to Chopra.com? I was looking fwd for your email.

Love..Sachin