Dear Kavita,

As I drove down the freeway, recently, a billboard caption caught my attention. It read, "I am depressed, I lost my best friend. He ran away with my wife!"

Love,

Ron.

Here We go...........

If your father is poor thats your fate!!

If your father-in-law is poor thats your stupidity.

Yogi

Kavita,

Does one not see gender discrimination going on here? Three classes for women and twelve classes for men! Should it not have been the other way around? Equal numbers would have made both sexes happy. Perhaps women do not want their men around them, so that they can go Christmas shopping all through the year spending the hard earned money by men, while their husbands go attending classes learning how to fill ice cube trays. How ridiculous!

TS

I've been meaning to post these for a long time: this looks like the right place Kavita!

bharat c.

Yogi Berra Quotes

Yogi Berra's second claim to fame is for being one of the most quoted figures in the sports world. He is credited with coining the deceptively simplistic observation, "It ain't over till it's over." But he's also known for his flubs. Here is a collection of the most notorious of these.

 "This is like deja vu all over again."
 "You can observe a lot just by watching."
 "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
 "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
 "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
 "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
 "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
 "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
 "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
 "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
 "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
 "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
 "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
 "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
 "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
 "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
 "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
 "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
 Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
 "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
 "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
 "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
 "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
 "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
 "I made a wrong mistake."
 "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
 "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
 "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
 "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
 "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
 "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
 "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
 "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
 "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
 "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
 "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
 "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
 "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
 "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
 "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
 "I didn't really say everything I said."

3 middle aged men traveled to an enlightened sage seeking some wisdom and advice about how to find meaning in their life.

The sage told them that one powerful way to find meaning in your life is to imagine yourself at your funeral right now and your friends and family are overlooking your body in the casket. What would you want your friends and family to say about you?

The first gentleman replied, I hope they look at my body in the casket and say,
"He loved his family and friends with all his heart."

The guru said, "very good, try to keep that in perspective as you live your life."

The second gentelman said, I really want them to say,
"He gave it his best in all his endeavors."

"Very wise answer" the guru replied.

The third guy said. If I were at my funeral right now, I hope my friends and family would look down at my body in the casket and say,

"Hey look! He's moving!"

Thanks this is great..Tanzan, I'm sure the joke I posted was written by a woman, andn I'm sure some of the men here will have their own jokes at our expense..and I want this blog to be funny and not whiny..so please post something fun..no complains, no criticism..just laugh and be merry okay?thanks :)

Kavita,

That thought "LAUGHTER THE BEST MEDICINE" kept popping into my mind for the last two weeks.

Glad you didn't ignore it.

Thanks Richard.Is there a pink dot related joke in your repertoire?

Sorry, but my humour also has to be a story, though I am lousy at it, but nevertheless:

Bibhuti Das was feeling miserable. He lay huddled on his haunches. Sweat appeared on his forehead as he looked at the fan that swirled on his head with a constipated speed. Bibhuti was choked with emotions and yet he could not cry.

Bibhuti Das was a victim of the great economic slowdown. In the late 90’s, the market bloomed with opportunities, as numerous vistas opened up. Bibhuti got himself enrolled with a Computer training institute. After completing a three-year diploma in Software applications, he submitted his resume to a number of consultants. And he started going to the temple in order to appease the Gods. “I am a Bengali,” he thought , “and every Bengali is an ardent worshipper of Shakti. Her court is already full and I don’t stand a dime of a chance. Let me try Shiva.”

So every morning, in the ambrosial hours, Bibhuti went to the Kali Baadi (the abode of Goddess Kali). But instead of offering her prayer before the Goddess, Bibhuti would be seen offering water to the Shivlinga. He would remain standing in front of the deity, with folded hands and closed eyes, uttering hymns, audible to none. But the message seemed to have gone to the God’s ears. For a fortnight after he started going to the temple, he got an Interview call from a Software company. As he had the blessings of nobody else but Lord Shiva, he was selected for the job.

The job kept Bibhuti very busy. He would go the office, one-hour before everyone got in and practice new programmes, introduced in the market. In the night, when he came back to his one-room apartment, he would study books and finally fall off to sleep. He did not notice it, but he had stopped going to the temple.

And though it did not happen in a single day, it took very less time. The stock markets crashed, the sensex fell to its extreme low and this led to an economic slowdown. To save revenue, companies started a series of cost cutting methods. One of the popular and effective ways of cost cutting was retrenchment. And so one day, as fate would have it, Bibhuti got a pink slip from his employers.

Bibhuti was dejected and dazed. He did not know what to do. For days, he locked himself in his house. And that day, when he looked at the fan that swirled above his head with a constipated speed, he knew why this had happened to him. “ I have stopped going to the temple. Gods have punished me,” he said to himself. He decided he should resume his practice. As he thought this, he touched his forehead to the ground, remembering his almighty.

But Bibhuti’s God had forgotten him. Actually, since the time Bibhuti had stopped going to the temple, a lot had happened in the God’s abode too. There was a concern in the upper circles about the cost cutting spree that the head Gods had resorted to. Then the Marketing representative of Gods, the great Vishwamitra announced a merger. He managed to clinch a deal with Messrs Lord Jesus Inc of Bethlehem. But under the new merger, they had become a Multi national and were supposed to work only five days a week. Every Friday, they had a weekend bash, where they danced till late night, sipping from the goblets of Somrasa – the heavenly wine. Then they had charcoal pills to undo the effects of hangover.

Next morning, on Saturday, Lord Shiva woke with a heavy head. He looked at his body. He found it wet. “Good Lord,” he muttered and hearing this, Parvati also got up. Both of them looked at the Mrityulok – the Earth, their colleague Brahma had created. They saw Bibhuti offering water on the Shivlinga. “Now who will tell this fool, that we work only five days a week?” said Parvati, visibly looking angry. But Shiva did not seem to hear this. He looked thoughtful, occasionally patting the snake around his neck. And then he smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this,” he assured Parvati. “ Now let us go back to sleep. And afterwards, we can have the human being’s coffee. They say it takes care of your hangover,” he said, and they went to sleep.

Time passed and the Gods continued their Friday bash. One Saturday afternoon, after she had made coffee , and as Shiva went into his deep meditation, Parvati was suddenly reminded of Bibhuti Das. “ Darling,” she called Shiva, “ what happened to that mortal fellow Bibhuti, who used to disturb us on Saturday’s? Why does he no longer do that?” she asked him. Shiva opened his eyes and a faint smile passed his lips. He took the cup of coffee from Parvati and said, “ Sweety, even he is having his coffee. He keeps on having these late Friday nights and so he does not get up till afternoon on Saturdays.”

“Why?” asked Parvati.

“Because he got a job in a multinational software company,” Shiva replied.

Parvati passed a meaningful smile and Shiva closed his eyes again.

great read Rahul!

Here you go...

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Hilarious Shri!!

Dear Rahul,

Sorry, star!

It's way too long! I quit reading half-way through. For maximum effects, it's best to keep it brief. I am glad Kavita has the patience to read it all!

Cherry.

Shri,

That was great!

Ron.

Hi Kavita, I was saying my prayers before going to bed and found this written by Swami Yoganandaji.Please do not compare it with all the above comments. The above comments have given me a stomach ache from laughing.

"No matter what causes it,whenever a little bubble of joy appears in your invisible sea of consciousness, take hold of it and keep expanding it.Meditate on it and it will grow larger. Watch not the limitations of the little bubble of your joy, but keep expanding it until it spreads all over the ocean of infinity in your consciousness. Keep puffing at the bubble of joy until it breaks its confining walls and becomes the sea of joy."

Thank you Geeta, that brought a smile to my lips as I am taking a break from work..and fits right in..these 21st January born people are awesome dont you think:) beautiful

Cherrylane, good you left it half way. It is not worth it! Humour is not my cup of tea.

Kavita:

Ok here is am amateur attempt at humor from me :-)

God fearing
===========

Sifting through the papers no end;
She searched for a groom well settled.
God Fearing and Open-minded;
Was every family's forte.

Do the Open minds of the Shaadi market;
Worship a God or Devil?
Or are they just plain masochists
Or have named God after their worst nightmare?

She now looks for one God-Loving family
And often wonders.
Do we fear God because he is loved
Or Love Him because he is Feared!

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

And this is a rather sombre thought on a fun blog - so pardon me.. have to get it off my chest..

I overate at the party tonight.
Somewhere in a poor neighborhood a kid died
For lack of a glass of milk.

A tear travelled the length of my well-fed face..
Oh! My extra helping of cheese ravioli
turned so vicious .. so deadly!

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

fantastic idea Kavita,

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.
-- chris rock

Kavita...That was hilarious!! Silence...No woman has gone ever before..My God! Loss of Identity was great...Parallel parking...Thanks for the Great Laugh!! Everything has to be asked here at this site to see it. Good to see you starting off such a lovely thread....

"I'd kill for the Nobel peace price"

One Mother's Day; I'd given out hundreds(literally) to women; on behalf of the lone parent support group I'd founded. It went like this:

With a giggle, a laugh and best wishes, from the members of the Lone Parent Support Group...
Below, is a Mom's Mother's Day wish...

---

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult!

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle, and make ripples with rocks.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes; but, that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

All you knew, was how to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. that everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible!

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crash's, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So..here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my multitude of debt.

I am officially resigning from adulthood, and if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, because,

"Tag! You're It!"

))Giggles((

Sent to me one day long ago, and saved.

Tag, you're it!

North

Oh,,,,,,TAG is a children's game. You have to catch another; tag them(a touch) and then, they are IT! A great, running around the yard, for excercise, game...lol t'was very chicque, circa 1960's - 70's.

North

A few PJs: some have Hindi as a base, so people from other parts of the world plz dont mind.

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer A: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other.:)

Answer B: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette.:) :)

Answer C: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)

"TIP TIP barsa Pani.

Pani ne aag lagayee."

us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".:) :) :)

Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot.

Why?

Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is

illegal.:)

( a pun on child marraige as baal means hair and child in Hindi)

THIS ONE IS THE KING OF ALL PJs...
ENJOY...

One day, Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him
Ramayana.

Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses
from Ramayana.

Mickey Mouse continues to listen

After completing the whole Ramayan, Donald Duck lets
out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse, "Mickey Mouse, tell
me...who was the father of Lord Ram?"

Mickey Mouse cannot.

Angry, Donald duck, again asks, " Mickey Mouse!!! tell
me...what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"

Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.

Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and
MickeyMouse goes and collides with a wall. As soon as he collides
with the wall, he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana
from start to end....

How did this happen???

SCROLL DOWn

After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes

Wall-Mickey(Valmiki)!!!:)

( Valmiki is the author of Ramayana )

One day, Raavan felt extremely repentant for all his bad deeds. Realising he had made Ram's life miserable, he felt it was about time he apologised to the guy.

So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door.

Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Raavan. He asked Ravaan the purpose of his visit but Raavan just stood there, staring blankly.

He didn't say a word.

Days passed into nights into days. Years went by, centuries changed.

Raavan just stood there.

Poor old miserable chap - he just couldn't decide ki ab main kis munh se maafi maangoon??

No Pink Dot jokes Kavita but I thought think this is humorous.

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various people who called themselves Sufis, and other well-wishers, were called in by neighbors and asked to do something about the child. The first so-called Sufi told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums; this reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar. The second told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; the fourth gave the boy a book; the fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; the sixth gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and explained that all reality was imagination. Like all placebos, each of these remedies worked for a short while, but none worked for very long.

Eventually, a real Sufi came along. He looked at the situation, handed the boy a hammer and chisel, and said, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

Thanks Kavita and everyone!!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello: Jealousy.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Thanks Kavita

How can any humour site be complete without sardarji jokes (I love this part of my legacy!)

Two sardars travelling on a train met and decided to introduce themselves.

1st Surd: My father was agreat man
2nd Surd: Acha ji(o.k) What did he do
1st: Have you heared of the Read Sea?
2nd : Aaho Ji (yes)
1st: Well it was my father who dug it.
2nd: Wah Ji. But have you heard of the Dead Sea?
1st: Yes I have
2nd My father killed it Ji.

This one I love but can only be told in Punjabi so apologies to friends who don't understand the language.

A Sardarji was sitting at home wearing a tie and a kacha (long drawers). His friend walked in perplexed and asked

Friend: Sardarji tie layi hoi ey?
Saradarji: Oy koi aa hi janda hai
Friend: Par Sardarji nal kacha paya hoya hai?
Sardarji:Bai koi nahi vi anda.

ah but you left out the santa banta jokes Jasjit!

Santa and Banta it is!!

Banta Singh ne Santa Singh se poocha," yaar tu hamesha phoren channel kyon dekhta hai?"

Santa Singh," Yaar kuch bijli unki bhi to kharcha hone do."

Why did the Sardar cut both sides of the capsule before eating it?
To avoid the side affects.

Santa Singh:" Oy Banta where were u born?"
Banta Singh,"Punjab"
Santa Singh "Which part?"
Banta Singh :,"Oy yeh part, part ki kenda hai? The whole body was born in Punjab."

Lawyer to Sardar,"Gita pe haath rakh kar kaho."
Sardar,"Oy, Sita par haath rakha to court mey bulaya ab Gita par haath
rakehney ko keh raho ho."

Teacher :"akal badi yah bhains?"
Banta Singh:" Sir pehle date of birth to batao."

Why was the Sardar writing his exam next to the door.
Because it was an entrance exam.

Santa Singh,"I am so proud that my son is in medical college."
Banta Singh,"What is he studying there?"
Santa,"Oy he is not studying but they are studying him."

Hi kavita and all the others kavees...here is my kavita lol:

A king gave a grand party to the high and mighty of his land.

Among other things he offered them egg porridge.

Unfortunately it finished before all guests could take it.

King was furious. He ordered an inquiry as to why the porridge had become deficient.

On inquiry his men found that there were the same number of guests and the same number of eggs as the previous year, so if the porridge got deficient it was simply because the size of the eggs was less.

The king ordered his men to arrest all the three main poultry farmers of his capital who had supplied the eggs to find out the reason of the less size of the eggs.

The kind called the first one and after threatening him with dire consequences if he told a lie asked him what he fed the hens so that he could know the reason why the size of the eggs was less.

The farmer replied: "O Mighty one, I feed the hens the with grain, what else."

"Send him to prison for three years, " thundered the King. "Why would the size of the eggs be less if he fed the hens with grain?"

Then the king asked the second farmer: "What you fed the hens?

Thinking that the king had given punishment to the first one who had told him that he fed the hens with grain, he quickly thought of an alternative and replied,"Your excellency, I feed the hens with grass."

"Send him to prison for five years," again thundered the king, "how will the sizes of the eggs be large if he fed the hens with grass?"

Lastly the king asked the third one: "Yes, what do you feed the hens? Why was th size of the eggs less?"

The third farmer thought that the king had not pardoned the one who fed grain nor the one who fed grass so what should he say so that he will be saved of king's wrath. After some hard thinking he said:

"Your excellency, I give money to the hens and ask them to eat whatever they like best."

Harb

Jasjit,

Your are simply the best joker... lol

I mean you are the best as a joke teller...

Harb

Kavita, Do You Do What You Say?

You blog is getting full with texts written in the Indian languages. Are English speakers once again not being left out? Is it fair?

Your strategy to divert the posters from bickering and rantings might be working. But what are you getting here?

TS

Before - After Marriage!!!

Enjoy ........ :-)

Dating process:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months: Of course I love U.
6 years: GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home.
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress again???
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months: What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can
stay up by myself.

Kavita,

I send my best wishes and love to your sister by birth and mine by date.

Harb.

Hi Harb

Joker is a nice freudian slip too!!!LOL. If alas after all this long, seriousness called life one could just live like a joker, high on some quaint humour bubbling within while all mankind shakes its head at you and sighs ,"Idiot!"

How can we Punjabis not be in splits on our very own brand of 'Singh self'? Glad you like the humour.
:-)

Muulla Nasruddin invited a famous scholar to his house for lunch. The guest arrived at Mulla’s house and started to knock and waited and waited for long. But nobody opened the door . He looked thru the window, no one inside. Being the Mulla he is, Nasruddin had forgotten about the visit and was off to somewhere else.

Fuming with anger, the scholar took a pen, scribbled on the doorway ‘Idiot” and left the place. After his usual rounds, Mulla returned and suddenly remembered about the appointment. He ran back to the street, shouting the scholar’s name and found him shortly.

“Oh I am sorry, my friend pls orgive me. I remembered our appointment when I say your name written on my door"!!

************************************

Nasruddin loved his donkey. One day the neighbour came running, “Nasruddin, Nasruddin your little donkey is lost”

Nasruddin sighed: “Oh, Praise to God"

"Why", the neighbour asked with surprise.

"If I was on him , I would have been lost too!!!"

******************************

It was midnite and Mulla was still on the street, searching for something. The patrol came and asked “What are you looking for?”

Mulla: “If I knew that, I would have already gone back”

Richard

Awesome! LOL

:-)

Kavita Great Idea!

Here goes. There is a hindu version of this joke as well as a muslim one....I'll go with the Hindu version.

Ram and Rahim die. Both were good men so they both stood outside the gates of heaven and waited to be let in. Finally God arrived and asked their names. Upon being told he said "Rahim you are going to have to go to hell because I only have space for one more in heaven.
Rahim: God thats not fair. I have been as good a man as Ram has. Aren't you being a little biased.
God: Thought a while and then said ok let me give you a little test. Ram spell CAT. Ram quickly spelt cat. Now Rahim you spell supercalifragilisticexpialidotious.
Rahim: God that is so unfair. You cant do this to me. Ram got such an easy spelling.
God: Okay I'll tell you what. Go away and study up on World War I. I'll ask you a question and whoever answers it right goes in. But I'm warning you this is your last chance.
So Ram and Rahim go off and study really hard and then take their positions at the gate again.
God: Ram, tell me how many people died in the First World War.
Ram:err 40,000 lord.
God: Right
God: Now your turn Rahim. Name them.

Haven't been able to make it here for the last few days and instead of playing catch up was drawn to this one as if by a magnet, thanks Kavita - great idea.

Jasjit, I thought I had heard them all - had a lot of Sardar friends and they are the cream of this earth - these are simply hilarious.

Santa and Banta went to went together for job interviews at a detective agency in Boston. Santa was the first. The interviewer asked him a few questions none of which were answered, so before sending him packing, thought he would be kind and ask him a simple question and let him go off in a good mood. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" Santa just shook his head. "Do you at least know who is Jesus Christ?" Again Santa shook his head. Fully exaperated the man said "Well just get out, find out and let me know."

Outside Santa beamed at Banta "Good luck. I got the job! They've already given me a murder assignment to investigate."

Great One Dara. Thanks for adding to my list. LOL

:-)

So Dara this one is for you

That poor Giani Zail Singh had many a one attributed to him but I find this one just cracks me up.
His aide came to see him one day looking rather nervous knowing Giani Ji's limited literary repetoire in English.
Aide: Sir you have been invited as Chief Guest to the Shakespeare Literary Society in London.
Giani Ji: Oy no problem why are you looking so worried.
Aide: Sir but are you familiar with Shakespeare?
Giani Ji: No problem! Show me his writing and I will speak.
He was provided a list of plays and to the aide's surpise Giani Ji was beaming and hugely excited about speaking.
As he stood up to address the august crowd he beamed and said
GianiJi: Friends, ShakespeareJi was truly an international writer. Imagine he weven wrote a play in Punjabi.
The aide looked like he was having a heart attack while the audience looked stunned. The President of the society finally spoke after an awkward silence and said
"Sir I do not believe that Shakespeare has been known to write anything in Punjabi"
Giani Ji (winking at his aide): See I told you I know a lot about this writer. None of you people have heard of his play in Punjabi because probabaly in English you are calling it "Take It There"

Another stunned silence. President again says with anguish
"Sir I do not believe there is any such work."

Gian Ji: What nonsesne are you talking my man. It is written here, the play in Punjabi is called "Othey Lo" (Othello)

Laloo Yadav Jokes:

A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward. A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening.
A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road. He is refusing to move from there!"
"But why?"
"He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay Crores of Rupees as fines!
He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn`t contribute with money to help him pay the fine!"
"So how much has been collected so far?"
"Six litres!"

----------

After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. On one occasion, he enters a herd of buffalos and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.

Guess the caption!!

Laloo, third from left!

------------------------

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

POINT SYSTEM (ACCORDING TO WOMEN)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy............................................ -2

Named Tiffany..................................................... -4

Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6

Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly................................................... +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump........................................... -5

When she points out a hot-looking woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as pretty as you"......... +1

When she points to a woman and asks if you think she's pretty, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed".................. -6

That woman is her sister.......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it.................................. 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together....................................... +3

You go to the mall, drop her off in front, then park the car.......+4

Then drive to a sports bar........................................ -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional... 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3

Most of it chips and beer.................... -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15

Or refinishing the floors......................................... +19

Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +21

Or adding a second floor.......................................... +25

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15

You visit her parents............................................. +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3

And the television is off......................................... -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6

And you didn't even go to college................................. -10

Drinking beer .................................................... -12

And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner......................................... 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3

You get up and sing............................................... +4

And you stink..................................................... +2

And you're not half bad........................................... +5

You sing an AC/DC song, and you're escorted out to much applause.. -2

You give her a gift................................................ 0

It's a power tool................................................. -20

It's a small appliance............................................ -10

It's not a small appliance........................................ +1

It's not a chocolate.............................................. +2

A gift that you'll be paying off for months....................... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

And you leave the sale price on................................... -50

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the airport.......................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal................................................. -5

And the pal is happily married.................................... -4

Or frighteningly single........................................... -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers.............................................. -5

And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -10

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

Smelling of booze and cheap cigars................................ -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

A Night Out

You take her to a movie........................................... +2

You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4

To a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand)............. +6

To a movie you like............................................... -2

It's called DeathCop 3......... -7

Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and dogs... -15

When asked how she looks, you reply, "fine" or "nice"............. 0

You reply, "beautifull" or "gorgeous"............................. +5

You reply anything without being asked............................ +10

You notice something she did special, (hair, nails, eyelashes).... +15

You mention you like her new hairdo............................... +15

She says she had that done last week.............................. -10

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5

You can actually name a few of them............................... +8

You can name all of them, because you hand selected them.......... +10

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

General

You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost...... -10

You refuse to ask for direction................................... 0

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You meet the locals up close and personal......................... -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat"?........................................ -5 (Sensitive things always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding........................................ -10

You pretend you didn't hear....................................... -12

You reply, "Where"?............................................... -25

You reply, "Compared to what"?.................................... -30

You reply, "But I like you that way".............................. -35

You reply, "Not for your age"..................................... -40

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem: .......................... -5

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..... 0

She realized the TV is on behind her.............................. -10

You listen, for over 30 minutes................................... +5

More than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV................... +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -100

a little revenge for the guys

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for
Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject
in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect
whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears
to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You
wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must
confess I don't know much about history."

Thanks every one. I'm enjoying reading all the jokes as I sip my cup of tea. Tanzan, some of the jokes unfortunately lose their meaning when translated, so at least for this blog please ignore them. Even if I translated them for you or the other non hindi and Punjabi speaking audience, they wouldnt be funny any more. There are more than enough jokes here in english for you to enjoy.
As for what do I get on my blogs with out the bickering, I would stay pretty intelligent answers, some very well thought out posts, a reminder that saying the same thing or debating the same thing with courtesy makes for a much nicer exchange any where-on cyber space or real life. And as you can see every one is having a lot of fun on this blog right now-and I hope you have enjoyed reading some of the jokes here as well.Would love to read one of your favorites too.
This is an open forum but it doesnt mean that any one should forget to extend basic courtesies to each other. Thanks Tanzan.
Every one else, thank you so much for taking the trouble to send out these gems, Harb ji thank you for your good wishes, Navin thank for doing my friend's chart-she was very touched by your prompt reply to her..
There are so many names here and all of you are special..thank you for giving us all a great start to the day!

THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. Happy now?

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request,
but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.
Did I miss anything

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based
Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic
drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken
hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

**

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right now!

**

FROM: Teri Allen, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Kavita...Cudn't agree more with what you say there. Translation simply CANNOT HAVE the charm most of the time. I agree there are two sides to this coin of what shud be allowed and what not. Mallika had clearly mentioned the bar for editing is too high.

It has to be optional and not mandatory...just the way it is optional to read the bickering and the ranters. It's not mandatory at all that we have to read that....we just skip and move on to our tastes...Don't forget this blog is turning out to be an Ocean. It's almost impossible nowadays to go thru' everything and be fair to the posters. Don't you think so? Languages like Urdu punjabi hindi have to be welcome when you are talking about Asian emerging consciousness or Asia turning out to be superpowers. Why not? Why do other languages especially urdu(I'm not a muslim but still adore that language...you can't beat the sweetness and royalness of that) shud not be welcomed here. We learnt English when they were ruling us...let them also learn some hindi now. Don't forget a huge chunk of the audience here understands and more importantly Appreciates and Savors these languages. True..if it was a site like chopra.com or other, it wudn't have been fair to talk in these languages. Logic hai?

Becoz of Imperialism and the British, we already have lost so much..so much of the Indianness, so much of our rich heritage and culture. There's a huge audience mind you Kavita...which enjoys this. Especially some of the NRI'S jinko ko kabhi hindi ke char lavz bhi sunne ko naseeb nahi hothe. Do you have any idea how strongly they feel connected to the land where they grew up coming here? Is cheez ka koi mahatva nahi? Plz don't try to explain to me the other end of the spectrum...I understand it completely. I myself can write pages on that. But I chose to speak about this end of the spectrum...and I hope you understand and appreciate for what it is.

Oh Yeah forgot...it's about humor..how about giving all the translation work to someone at wholesale who is very good at it and we can pay perhaps:)))

Thanks&Love...Sachin

Hi Sachin, good points all..especially in a blog on humor things will get lost in translation,but there is a lot in english, so hopefully everyone on the blog can enjoy the jokes..at the same time I feel majority of the people here understand english..funnily even in India it was english that bound people in offices since many were from different states, and my dad being in the army was posted to so many different states, and again what connected everyone was english.
So in all fairness we do need to retain the english content of the blog, as and when appropriate. If Tanzan started writing in Japanese, I would miss out on some amazing poetry.
Its good to step into the shoes ofothers from time to time..keeps us balanced I guess!

LETS NOT TURN THIS SITE TO PROMOTE AND HONOR NATIONALISM.

SACHIN I FIND YOUR CERTAIN CALIMS OFFENSIVE, OH WAIT MAY BE IT IS PRANK AFTER ALL

Dearest Kavita,

Thank you for very much for doing this. It is absolutely fantastic. As you may be aware, I had recently asked Mallika to initiate a weekly Open Thread on humor and anecdotes, but am still awaiting a response from her. But you have, obviously, picked up on it, and that is just superb!

Which is why I think you are, in my opinion, the best and most conscientitious of them all. In light of the fact that a few Intent commenters let their egos get the better of them before they start acting like my 7-year-old child, I think a little humor like this is the best antidote for them.

I trust that you make this a weekly event. Intent is doing well (in large part because of great people like you) and we are all enjoying it. For the few who want to pout, I say, grow up!
And since we have become a large, extended worldwide family, big brother Ron can assume the liberty to say, "grow up, siblings!"

Love,

Ron.

Family Problems

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother.

And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's
grand-son. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!

And you think that you have a FAMILY PROBLEMS!?"

Hi Arjunan and Navin,

Your jokes were great. Arj...., you rock!

Nav, you have shown skilfully shown how to use many words while packing a powerful punchline!

Great going, guys!

Ron.

HI kavita

Your post is really infectious..Had to put in one I heard a few days back.This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English
conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president
Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton should
say,"I'm fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we,
translators, will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton, he
mistakenly said "Who Are You?". Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still
managed to react with humour: "Well, I am Hillary's husband, haha...." Then
Mori replied confidently "Me too,hahaha..

Kavita..I had used the word Plz in not telling me about the other end of the spectrum. It's just a mind pattern here. Now...I'll use the reverse psychology to evoke my end of the spectrum. LOL!!
Ulti Duniya ulta Deemak!!

Hi Kaveetaa,

Thank you for sending me into bursts of laughter! It is most fresh.

Harb

That was hilarious Kaveetaa! I'm going to tell this joke at my next get together this weekend!
Ron thanks for your thoughtfulness.Arjunan and Art yours were hilarious too. Thanks Yogi, that was quite a tongue twister..lets keep this thread going..great way to start the week!
Maybe I will do this every monday so we all start the week with a smile!

Kaveetaa,

That was funny!

Kavita, are we having fun yet?

Kavita...This humor thread cud be the best thing happening if it really gets going...Love&Banter in One. WoW!

Dear Ron,
Thanks for always being that encouraging big brother!

Dear Yogi,
You had me in splits, mate! I am rolling on the floor with laughter at your Family problems! (well, not yours actually. LOL)

Dear Kavita,
Your joke will make Hillary the first lady of two nations! LOL. And you are welcome about the reading of your friend.

Dear Sachin,
Your reverse psychology idea is a brainwave. LOL

Cheers!
Navin

navin that was kaveetaa's joke..so cant take credit..this is great

Hi Kavita, this morning synchrodestiny is at play because I received this, to write on this blog.

my pets and friends:

dear dog and cat,when i say move i mean go somewhere else.please do not put your paw on my food.the stairway is not designed by nascar, and is not a race track.look at the videos and see where all the cats and dogs sleep. i am tired of sleeping on the couch.my compact discs are not miniature frisbees.please kiss me first and then go smell other cats'and dogs' butt.

i have put the following message on my front door.

1. if you do not want hair on your clothing, stay off the furniture.
2.i like my pets.
3. my pets are my adopted daughters, who are short, hairy, walk on all fours,and are speech challenged.they eat less, don't ask for money all the time,are easier to train,usually come when called,never drive my car,don't drink alcohol, don't worry about latest fashions,don't charge on my credit cards, don't need a gazillion dollars for college education

Kavita have a good day. God bless.

Oops!
My apologies Kaveeta & Kavita. LOL.
Thank God there is no Naveen on this blog! LOL

Cheers!
Navin

Yogi that Was hilarious! But...They are real stories in the west. Sorry bud! But of what I've seen I'm telling you. I'm serious...there was one girl when I was living in vancouver canada, she was telling me...mystep mother's son whose ex wife's ex boyfriend married my step father's daughter from the 4th marriage...LOL! Gosh! These are real stories man.

Navinbhai...brainwaves and brainshocks are much needed. I loved that Naveen of yours!! Man you got it!! Acha main ek nahin company khol raha voon, I'll take the permission from them before doing it. The name of the company is Kavita&Kaveetaa Icecreams.:)) (hope you don't mind this both)

I met Naveen here a day ago...Did you meet him Navin LOL!!

SMILE IS A WINDOW TO THE SOUL
LAUGHTER IS THE DOOR

ALMOST ALL THE JOKES ARE BASED ON LIFE AT LARGE, MAY BE THAT IS WHAT WE SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR IN LIFE , HUMOUR. WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT IS A BETTER QUESTION TO ASK THAN WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE I HAD A FANTASTIC TIME.

KAVITA- MORE PEOPLE DIE ON MONDAY MORNING YOU MAY HELP REDUCE THAT.

RON- YOU ARE LIKE THE GUY IN A PARTY WHO PUSHES EVERYONE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR

1975 vs. 2005

1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair

1975: KEG
2005: EKG

1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux

1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM

1975: Going to a new hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint

1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones

1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office

1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system

1975: Disco
2005: Costco

1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1975: Passing the driver's test
2005: Passing the vision test

1975: Whatever
2005: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling old today--this will certainly change things!

Here's another:

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who started college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. even is.

McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

DO YOU FEEL OLD YET? (Notice that's in LARGE PRINT)

How Life changes Tiffany....Nice one! Humor is a great way of looking at life and living with it, after all if you think sombrely you realize there is so much pain misery and suffering in human lives.

Humor is a great way of handling it. Reminds of this saying "Patience is the Sense of Life and Humor is The Essence of Life".

A WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for
a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.

Cheers,
Desh

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CHeers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

ha ha..awesome desh! Tiffany and the rest

Deshbhai...Mazedaar tha! Wife&Husband...I am reminded of this real life story.

This is when I was in college...we were preparing for my friend's sister marriage function, and then one of our friends said...vho entrance peh welcome sign lagathe hai na Jane weds John. So this guy....unknowingly he blurted...Malli v/s Venkatesh. My God! Even to this day when I think of that I can't forget the laughter we had and when I saw your joke, cudn't help laughing. Real...Real and Absolutely Real to the wire..life story of so many marriages, of course not to forget the exceptions. It truly is wife v/s hubby. Personally I find it nothing short of sickening...I've never understood why does a sacred thing like that has to turn out to be versus.

Great thread Kavita....

ha what a coming of a full circle..from holy verses to versus!

While driving home from a state function Bill and Hillary's chauffeur announced he was stopping for gasoline.

As the chauffeur was topping up the tank Bill and Hillary decided to get out and stretch their legs.

Hillary looked over Bill's shoulder and recognized the gas station attendant.

In amazement she said to Bill, "My god I know that guy. He was my first boy fiend in elementary school:"

Bill looked around and laughing said, "Just think Hillary, If you had married that guy you'd be the wife of a gas station attendant."

Hillary looked at Bill and said, "If I had married that guy he'd be President of the United States."

Sachin miyan.. Aap ka hansta chehra dekh achha laga!

Btw, here is a quote that I find most hillarious and ironic:
----------

Is you can't write and sign it, DONT say it!

~ Anonymous.

-----------------

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

Q. How can you punish a desi (Indian)?
A. Ask him to talk to a girl without offerring to do her assignment.

Desh
Drishtikone.com

In my teaching years ago, I had to enlarge a paper for one of my students who could not see regular print. Our school had a special touch pad on the copier that I used to enlarge.

Well, I put my paper in the machine and put it in to enlarge at a specific size. It came out different. I did this like 4 times and each time it came out a different size that I had punched in.

We had a male secretary who was in the copy room as I was getting really frustrated as it would not enlarge right UNTIL I realized what was going on.

I am large busted. And each time I was leaning over to do this,my right boob was touching the touch pad and CHANGING the size of my paper!!!

I was laughing so hard I cried. The secretary was soooooo embarrassed when I was laughing, he could not handle it at all!!!

Ellen

good thing Dolly Parton is in the singing business!

LOL. She would go thru a lot of paper!!!

Ellen..You sound so Interesting! LOL! Just kidding as this is a humor thread. Plz don't take this seriously....Kavita tum bhi na yaar divert kar dethi vho...Bahut gandhi vho tum(Just pulling your leg)

Yeah Desh..nice to see you enjoying the humor. Vaise miyanji, yeah I was born and brought up in Hyderabad, filled with Muslim culture. I know them in&out, but admire their cuisine,humor and language...
Cheers..Sachin

Kavita/Ellen: you guys are funny... Its amazing how one's anatomy can change one's "angles"! ;-)

Sachin sirji: Thats good - You know them "Out" to samjha ... par yeh "in" ki kya knowldge rakhte ho bhai? :D

btw, I liked Hyd a lot when I went there ... when it was still Hyderabad and not Cyberabad! If I wasnt a vegetarian that I am - I would have loved the Biryani too... but oh well..

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

Laloo, after he won his first election, was part of an official delegation to the USA. He was invited by Senator to his home. Seeing the palatial house Laloo remarked "For a Senator you have a most impreswsive house." His host took him to the window and said to Laoo "You see that bridge on the river? Well 10% of that is where we are."

Five years later Laloo became Chief Minister and invited the Senator to his house. The American gasped at the sight of Laloo's house, "Just a Chief Minister and look at this huge, huge palace you have." Laloo took him to the window and said "See that river?" "Yes." "See that bridge?" asked Laloo, "No" said that the Senator, "100%" said Laloo "and whats more, my constituents want another bridge further downstream too."

NEW HINDI VERSION OF WINDOWS ( KHIDKIYAN 2000 )

If Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi, Here
are some Windows related terms that may be used in the
Hindi version of... Khidkiyan2000:

Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar

-------------------------------------------------

Answering Machine Messages

1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

-------------------------------------------------

The Most Intelligent Person: Laloo!

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by
a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out
shouting," This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes
and there are five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important pilot I am taking one parachute and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped off the plane.
Sonia Gandhi said," Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very important
and have to live!" She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said,"I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went to the luggage area,
grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy,"There is only one parachute left, and there are
two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take the last
parachute and jump." The school boy said,"Don't worry! There are still two
parachutes left with us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped
off the plane with my school bag!"

Saddam Hussain approached God and asked him, "When will peace return to my country?" God answered, "You can never see peace in your country during your lifetime." Saddam wept bitterly and walked away.

Parvez Musharraf approached God and asked,"When can I see a united Pakistan with Kashmir?" God said,"You can never annex Kashmir during your life time." Musharraf wept and walked away.

Laloo Prasad Yadav approached God and asked, "When will Bihar become a civilised state?" God wept bitterly and said,"I can never see that happening during my life time."

----------------------

Laloo becomes PM (if you haven't cut your throat yet, read on) and goes to Pakistan for a one-on-one with Parvez Musharraf. They decide to meet without aides and are closeted for about 5 minutes. Laloo then emerges from the room. Reporters clamour for a statement. "Parvezbhai will make the announcement" is all Laloo will say.

Parvez Musharraf comes out and drops a bombshell - Pakistan has decided to give up all claims on Kashmir, with no strings attached! The world is stunned. Laloo has achieved in 5 minutes what others had failed to in 50 years! How did you do it, what did you promise, the press clamours.

"Sab akai-waalon ka kamaal hai," (All because of the Akai company people) says Laloo. "Woh kehte hain na, TV loge tho fridge doonga, video khareedein to cellphone free (They give fridge free if you buy TV, cellphone free if you buy VCR )... tho ham bhi Parvezbhai se keh diye: "aapko Kashmir chaahiye na? Le jaayie. Magar saath mein Bihar free milega, bas!" (So, I said to Parvez Musharraf - "You want Kashmir, right? Take it. But you will get Bihar free with it!")

Cheers!
Navin

When Laloo completed 15 years of his rule over
Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp with his picture on it. He asked Rabri, stressing that it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Laloo was pleased.

But within a couple of days he began hearing
complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly and became furious. He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the matter. Rabri checked out at several post offices, and then reported to Laloo. She said, "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, people are spitting on the wrong side."

--------------

Laloo as a Principal

Laloo is convicted in the fodder case and the courts decide that all his property belongs to the state. He is left with nothing and is going around looking for a job.

He joins as a principal of a school and one day, he sees lots of students standing under a tree without going to classes.

He gets very angry and asks them " Why are you UNDERSTANDING the Tree"!

----------------

This one is only for Hindi speaking folks.

George Bush decided to 'teach' Laloo English, so he invited him over to the US.

Laloo arrives in full grandeur. Bush announces to the nation that they should not be disturbed during the tuition inside the Whitehouse, they are locked up in a room, and Bush starts teaching Laloo English. Days pass by and weeks pass by, but there is no sign of them coming out.The whole country and its economy has come to a standstill, and press, newsreporters from all over the world are waiting outside eagerly to find the outcome. At last one day, the door opens, and out comes Laloo - beaming his resplendant white smile, looking cool and unruffled. However, Bush looks totally dazed, his clothes are torn, his hair is completely ruffled, and he has scratch marks all over his face. The shocked reporters ask Bush, "What happened Mr. Bush?" Bush replies : "Ee babua hamar kuch bhi naahi sunat hai !"

------------------

What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?

La loo

-------------------
Puzzle

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? That's too long!" the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "See this note, IT READS-FOR 4-7 YRS".

------------------

Laloo is convicted in the fodder case and the
courts decide that all his property belongs to the state. He is left with nothing and is going around looking for a job. Eureka Forbes (the vacuum cleaner company) gives him a job as a vacuum cleaner salesman. Laloo decides to do well on his first day itself. He goes to the first house in his territory.

He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, Laloo runs inside and dumps gobar (cow dung) all over the floor and the sofa. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that gobar right now, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She replies, "You want salt and pepper on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

Cheers!
Navin

Yeah Desh...Biryani is just Yum yum. People from the metros come specially for that, so you can imagine. I know the mentality of muslims deep inside...which they don't show on outside. I'm sure you know all that...I don't have to tell you. Navin knows it well and as was talked on the other thread, it was Spot on. We got to know we're up against what....basic rule in life. Isn't it?

Navin...thanks for the humor. Aren't we lucky that after 15yrs atlast he's gone. Solving Kashmir problem was great! LOL!
Cheers..Sachin

Thanks, Sachin,
Thank God, Laloo lost the Bihar elections this time. Good riddance! Here is some more humor:

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

------------------

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

-------------

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

-----------------

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

----------------

In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded,"200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used."

Cheers!
Navin

Some giggles for monday...

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life _MY _way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is
nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of
beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch , so be it.

I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

------------------------

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. !

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute: They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Take the time .. to live and love.

---

North