One of my friend forwaded this. Don't get into the technicalities, Just enjoy.

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go
prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when
commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the
match,
for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the
first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the
second
time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone
work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went
in.
Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good
balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving
instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole.
Insha
Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and
deliver
good result all the time.

Tony: fainted

Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

teeeheee, NObody tell Santa I posted this OK? lol

Hi Kavita : )

North

Well hello Ya'll,

Question: Why does Santa Claus have no kids?

Answer: Because he only "comes" once a year ...in a chimney. Whohahahaha!

Hi Kavita, had to post ONE more christmas funny! lol

An Internet Christmas

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled snug by their screens
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!

"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

This is pretty much the only joke I know:

What do Winney the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

Love, Kristin

Check below...

okay, ya ready?

.
.
.

they both have the same middle name. :)

makes me laugh every time.
I like kids jokes.

Sorry, I am hijacking your thread to post something. But I have no idea how to do it. Here is the most hilarious stuff you can ever read. If you are an Indian and follow Indian blogs, this is the best laughter you can get

http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/002667.html

I once again apologize for hijacking this thread. You can delete the comment if you find it inappropriate.

Related to the link I posted, note the following statements in the post.

""Is it true that while NRI firms such as India Uncut of USA, Sepia Mutiny of Britain and AnarCap Lib of Netherlands have been allowed to invest in Indian SSIs, the reputed German investment firm Desipundit has been denied permission? If so, the reasons thereof? Is the Union Government of India planning to make automatic the long procedure of permission for SSIs to import new technologies such as Trackbacks, Pingbacks, Blogrolls, Splogs and Hitcounters?""

Anyone who follows Indian blogs will know India Uncut, Sepia Mutiny are not foreign companies but blogs by Indians living in US. "Trackbacks, Pingbacks, Blogrolls, Splogs and Hitcounters" are considered as new technologies by Indian politicians and they feel that it will be useful for Indians :-)

Mooommy...Speeding again? Sent me into a laughter Kavita. Yeah...if Shahrukh had to really call, she wud pass her pt with flying colors.(That's the Power of Love! Isn't it?). Yogi badshah ko shareef samaj raha tha main:))) Bada Yogi hai yeh tho. Kidding! LOL!

Humor thread Kavita....hope people can really unwind themselves into joy&laughter....

Love...Sachin

Thank you very much all..the jokes are priceless again. Krish not a problem about posting the link. I was reading the reports on tookie and had just finished when Gotham posted his thoughts.
It's tough to post above a laugh blog, and lets' try our best to keep the warmth and smiles on one and compassion and our thoughts on the post from Gotham from clashing. Sorrow and smiles are two sides of the same coin called life. and life is a curveball

Eor said to Pooh one day:

"where do you want to go today, Pooh"?

and Pooh replied:

"Ahh, nowhere."

And so,

They went there.

lol

Ok, ok! I liked Kristin's Pooh joke better too; and Kristin; plz don't tell anyone! but, I had to read yours twice!(blush.) lol age-thing I tell ya!

North

Just after 9/11 I joined the Chopra.com Prayer Circle...and when I dive into something, my family hears all about it. In this particular case, so much so, in my 'kids and nieces/nephews circle' my nickname became Chopra, like "Chopra's coming"...then change the subject:) so I wouldn't hear what they were talking about...the teen thing!

Anyway,
A few years ago, for our wedding anniversary, my husband took us (two kids included) to a fancy restaurant in a hotel, the one Deepak usually stays at when he's in Toronto.
Candle lit room and all conversation was "indoor voice" if you can imagine, all is a quiet murmur except for the conversation at the table next to us. Apparently, my 2and half year old son was listening to them...he blurted O U T "HEY, THOSE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT DEEPAK CHOPRA!!!" we all turned to each other and burst out in laughter!
yer jus had ta be there!

Cinda

Hey North: I had read your message on keeping warm .. but couldnt get to reply.. THANKS for the thought! I am trying my best to! :-)

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

Right On, Desh! Brrrrrrrr huh? lol

it's like minus twenty-eight celcius here right now.

Double the flannels; and hot chocolate!

North

Krish,

That was good, I love clever stuff like that.

Kavita,

it is good that you balanced some heavy subjects with a lighter thread.

Dear All,

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

some gr8 jokes i have come across:

what did the zen master order at the pizza parlour?

"Make me one with everything".

how did the zen monk propose a few intimate moments with his gf?
"Honey, can we expereince a few moments of oneness"

The zen monk was waiting impatiently for return of change from the waiter.

Finally , he asked the waiter, "what has happened to my change?"

The waiter nonchalantly replies," Sorry Sir, All change is possible only from within...."

Laughter, is truly the only authentic elixir of life.
:)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother,he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even
named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's
name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand
and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go!"

True Help Desk Stories

Customer: "Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer, won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything I have in there?"
Tech Support: "No, that's not possible."
Customer: "You see it on the TV all the time."
--------------------------
About a year ago, a customer from Roswell, NM, called in to place an order. To break the ice, I jokingly asked if he or any of his neighbors had seen any aliens lately. The guy laughed and proceeded to tell me all about the crazies (his word, not mine) that not only live in Roswell but who come on vacation there in hopes of seeing a UFO themselves. As he talked, I processed the order, and the last bit of information I needed to complete it was the guy's email address for marketing purposes.

Customer: "Email! I won't have anything to do with that Internet or modems of any sort! You should be careful about those. Don't you know that once you install a modem, the government can look into your computer and watch everything you do? That's why every night before I go to bed, I turn the monitor to the wall."
------------------------
When in college, I had to make a fake advertisement for a class. I had a GIF that I downloaded that I wanted to put into it, so I sat down at the only Mac that was connected to the scanner in the school's computer lab. For some reason, it couldn't open the file, and the program crashed repeatedly. I got a lab technician to come over, and I explained the problem. She asked what I did to it and got angry with me. So I went to the Mac next to the one I was on and opened the picture in the same program. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was responsible for ruining the computer.

Me: "I scanned these pictures in, then tried to open this GIF I downloaded."
Her: "What? You can't do that! That type of a file is for Windows machines only! It isn't supported on Macs."
Me: "No, it is a standard graphic file. It can be opened on either machine."
Her: "No it can't! You might have to pay to fix this."
Me: "If it can't open on a Mac, how did I get it to open on this Mac right here? See?"
Her: "Don't do that! You're gonna break that one also."
To protect her computer from evil me, she leaned over and flipped the power switch off.
------------
Tech Support: "Yes, ma'am, we require a credit card or checking account in order to sign up on our service."
Customer: "Well, I saw on the news that I should never give out my credit card information!"
Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, we have to have a way to bill you."
Customer: "No other service does this!"
Tech Support: "No, ma'am, the others don't allow you to use a checking account."
Customer: "No honest company would ask me for my credit card information!"

------------
Tech Support: "May I have your phone number, sir?"
Customer: "I don't give out my phone number!"
Tech Support: "All right. How may I help you, sir?"
Customer: "How much for your Internet service?"
I gave him the prices.
Customer: "If I own the software why do you keep charging for it?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, the software is free, but you are charged for being online."
Customer: "YOU CONNECT YOUR COMPUTER TO THE PHONE LINE?!?"
Tech Support: "Well, sir, you do use a modem to dial online."
Customer: "I WILL NEVER HOOK MY COMPUTER TO MY PHONE!!!!" (click)
-----------------
I work as a computer tech at a community college. Most of our computers are currently running Windows 95. One day, an officer from our security department stopped by to talk to me. His face looked grim. He pulled me quietly aside.

Officer: "We have a new part time person working in our office who uses the computer, and I have to ask you something, but you need to keep this confidential."
Me: "Ok, what's the problem?"
Officer: "Well, over the past two or three days I've glanced over at the new person's computer, and several times I've seen a message that says 'You have performed an illegal operation,' but he keeps clearing it by clicking something. I need to find out what he's doing wrong and if we should call the local police."
He looked so scared and serious, I had a hard time containing my laughter.

Hi Kavita,

First of all I must tell you something positive about our past brawl.

I am of the view that if you have a fracas with someone you have every chance of falling in love with him/her. I must admit I have fallen in love with you (that is to the extent I can FALL lol). From 'who is this Kavita Chibber' I have progressed to 'here comes OUR Kavita Chibber. Honestly, first for a long time I could not even differentiate between you and Mallika Chopra. You both looked the same to me, that is, in my mind lol.

A great philosopher of Punjab - Gurbakhash Singh of Preetlari - has defined love as "recognition not possession." I think I have begun to love you in that sense of RECOGNITION.

Now you have bcome 'our own Kavita Chibber. Yesterday I went to your site for the first time and read more about you. Though I wantd to know the name of Governor of Punjab as well which I could not. Anyway, you have all of my love and best wishes that you remain the same lively, lovely, vulnerable, witty, heluva tempered (there is nothing wrong with it, one must be natural, one is a human being not a fossil) Kavita.

Second, I think you should now stop using the word detractors in your blogs. Firstly, there are really none(some may have done something on the spur of the moment which went just wrong)and scondly even if there are any why give them life again by mentioning them. Get them out of your mind and they will get out of your world on their own.

Third, now again to the lighter or laughter side.

I was just coming fresh from reading your "What They Teach at Management Institute" in general and "Customer's Feedback" in particular (In which the girl gives that rich guy a real hard slap) when at the end you yourself ask for FEEDBACK. It reminded me of that slap and sent me into peels of laughter.

This much for now, for fear of the message becoming too long. Shall write later.

Harb

A lady goes walking into the office of the manager of a toy warehouse. They made tickle-me Elmo dolls. Tickle them, they'd giggle.

Well, she'd begged the boss for a job. Failing every question; she knew she'd not succeed. She begged: "please, I need this job; my husband got sick, we have children."

Not really having a position for a non-experienced worker; the manager-assistant suggested the tickle section?

"Perfect!" Said the boss; and off they escorted her to the tickle section.

On her third day; the assistant manager comes running into the office of the manager, crying: "Boss, boss, ya gotta come quick; there's a comotion in the tickle section!"

Down three floors they ran; pantingly out of breath; they reach the tickle section. Many employee's were gathered in a cirlce. IN the middle was the new employee; head bowed down at her station; working in a feverish flow.

The manager, makes hiw way through the gathered crowd; to her station. What he saw, he couldn't believe his eyes; and said: "No, no, no! I said, two test tickles!"

OOoh, lol

North

CHINESE PROVERBS YOU NEVER HEARD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bang-kok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball wrong: man with four ball can not walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit on own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hi everybody,

I sense the mood here considerably sunny and therefore hope in hell no one calls my bust.

But just to be on the safe side, I place it on record that the sick and obtuse one liners I posted above - the only kind that gets me rolling on the floor - are from one of those irritating net forwards that make you throw your afternoon coffee in disgust.

So I am sorry for shameless plagiarism. And also for sleeping during work hours, spitting on pedestrians from bus windows and behaving inappropriately in dark movie theatres.

There, I already feel better.

Soultrip, I almost fell of my chair laughing..thank you.
Harb-I have been ordered by aditi not to add the ji, and she says if any one else does that her hunter will be out again to whip the Ji away!
Thank you for your sweet post..Mallika is much nicer than I am so I take it as a compliment that you put me in the same slot as her..I will remove the" d" word from my vocabulary and consider it a temporary detraction-er distraction!
My chacha's name is Lt General BKN Chhibber and he was Governor of Punjab in the mid 90s.
Thank you for the love and thoughtfulness. Thank you all for the wonderful jokes-each one made me smile.
Ispita nice to see you here...now you need to post a joke-you too Harb.. North, Richard, Arjunan, Cinda, Sachin, sundar, kristin, thanks-desh where is your joke of the day?
back to work for me even though its midnight.
love and laughter

NATURAL HIGHS

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket.

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to
sleep.

27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29 Playing with a new puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Hot chocolate.

33. Road trips with friends.

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

38 Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing
that some things (good or bad) never change.

40. Watching the ______expression on someone's face
as they open a much desired present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise.

42. Getting out of bed every morning and
being grateful for another beautiful day.

43 Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing,
no matter what other people think.

A man comes home after a month's trip on business.. His wife opens the door and as he comes in she angrily comes towards him and slaps him hard!

"Whoa!! what was that for?"

"For being such a LOUSY LOVER all these years!" She shouts!

He stands there stunned... then after a minute walks up to her and slaps her back..

"Hey what was THAT for?"

"For getting to know the DIFFERENCE while I was away!!"

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

Oh Yes, kavita, I recalled the name of the Governor later myself. I distinctly remember rather liking him for some of his qualties which I have forgotten now. I recall sayng though, what a nice fellow this Gov is!

Love. Harb.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

(Courtesy:Time well-wasted Forward Mails)

Women: A Chemical Analysis
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
-------------------------------------------------

Element: Women

Symbol: Wo (short for Woooow!)

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg.

Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

(Courtesy:Time well-wasted Forward Mails)
Definite Definitions
-----------------------------------------

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such stuff...

*Cheers* ---MadZ :)

Blonde jokes are the only ones I can remember, and I'm apologizing now to any blondes who are offended. If you wish you can apply them to redheads--I'm redhead...

BLONDE JOKES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida?"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astouded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, were going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot, you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know, we're going at night!"

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

And last, but not least...

Two blondes were going to Disneyland and they came to a sign that says, DISNEYLAND LEFT, so they turned around and went home.

Ha Ha Ha

Tiffany,

That was hilarious! I am blonde (not offended, just tickled) and I think this is too funny.

A guy wakes up from his sleep with a very weird dream, gets really terrified and so runs to his doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Guy:I dreamt that I am eating a very large bread
Doctor: Calm down,it is just a dream and so nothing to get scared about
Guy: The dream is not the issue but when I woke up my pillow was missing!!!!

-Prabhakar

That was hilarious Prabhakar, North, Tiffany, Desh, MadZ, and Esther.
Thank you for your input. Its a bit crazy till tomorrow night with deadlines but thanks for your jokes..puts a smile on my face, each time I take a break and also in the aftermath of the Tookie williams execution.

Kavita, I just wanted to tell you I appreciate how you always reply back to the commenters. It's good to know you read all of them.:)

Well.. here are some more.. these are quotes that are hillarious:

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Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

– Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others .

– Oscar Wilde

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

–Scottish Proverb

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

– Sam Kinison

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

– Anonymous

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

–H. L. Mencken

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

– H. L. Mencken

“A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.”

- U2

Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring - wedding ring - suffering.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.

– Anonymous

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said,”Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

– Anonymous

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

– Anonymous

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.

– Anonymous

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” Following her down the street I yelled, “No, jump in.”

– Anonymous

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says “the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs…..”

– Anonymous

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after u let him in!

– Anonymous

are you kidding me? In a crazy world where even on this blog we are discussing things that leave us with a heavy heart, I wouldnt miss the chance for a laugh, Tiffany, and to interact with all of you, as much as I can.

ha ha desh, looks like we women are getting a dose after the last blog on laughter where some one complained the men were getting a raw deal on my post on classes for women and men! This is hilarious!

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And they loved it.

Dr Harb and Dr Navin, Hips and Zips..lol. Any takers?

Dr Harb

Sherlock Holmes was sitting at his desk when Dr Watson walked in."You are wearing your winter underwear I see," said Sherlock.How did you know?"said Dr Watson."Elementary my dear Watson",said Sherlock,"you have forgotten to wear your pants"!!

I just heard that on the radio.Take care Kavita.

sunny that was hilarious and geeta that was really cute.
Harb where is your joke?

LOL Dr. Harb,

Here is some humor:

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

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Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

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A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

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A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

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The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Cheers!
Navin

Hello Dr Navin!

Kavita,

People here have told such hilarious jokes that reading them I have forgotten my old fashioned ones.

Moreover, I am troubled by the fact that even if my joke will not be so good you will be forced to say 'it is cute Harb' or 'it is REALLY funny Harb'. Anyway, I shall try once again.

Thank you. Harb.a

Kavita...Glad u 'njoyed it!....Some more for you & Dr.Navin! ;)

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

Hi Kavita ,
How r you? My guess u r doing fine with the regular dosage of Laughing pills u r getting.
I thought why should I lag behind so here are some for all of u which were forwarded to me by a cute friend of mine.

1. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

2.Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

3. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

4. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

5. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

6. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

7. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Though my guess is many of u must have read them, but there no harm re-reading a wonderful book after some time, isn't it
:)

Ispita Saha

Ispita, wonderful!!

Hi Kavita,

I am not at all surprised to see you back with much gusto. Resilience, fortitude and unwavering committment is the other name for Kavita.

Sorry, no jokes to go with my post. For one I am late in posting since I havent been to the blog for a coupla days and secondly think tank is presently blank.

Kavita,

Btw, I very much impress with your joke. Please say me more like this..

Ispita....ROFL....Really good ones! :)

Yogi,

Yogi that was reaaallly funny.

Even before I read the name, I'd guessed that only Aditi could have come up with this hillarious one!

Guys please dont get me wrong , all the others have had me choking on my tea as well.

Harb, its the season to be jolly, so anything goes. I wont use the word cute..aditi has already called you cute. But old is gold,and that applies to jokes also so give it a shot. welcome back Kaveetaa. Sunny, Ispita, Navin, thanks for keeping the thread going.It was nice to wake up to some more jokes, and start my day with a smile. Today is the most hectic as at midnight the new issue of my online emag goes up, and plenty of last minute stuff still left.
Madz all the best for your website. I signed your guestbook as per your rquest.
Enjoy the day every one and post some more funnies

Hey thank you Harb and Sunny, it was nice to note u enjoyed them.
:)

Kavita,

Thank you. Actually sometimes I just go silent. I don't seem to have anything to say. Anyway, as you specifically asked, here is my joke just a khanapuri lol.

An inspector went to inspect a school. To test if the teachers taught well, he asked very difficult questions of students. The students could not answer and felt ashamed.

To take revenge, now a student came forward and asked the inspector to answer HIS question. “Yes?” yelled the inspector. The student said, “Three ants are going in a line. The first one said that there are two ants behind me. The second one said there are two ants behind ME. How is it possible?”

Inspector looked hither and thither. He could not conjure up an answer. Feeling ashamed, he took the questioner aside and requested him to tell him the answer so that he will save his izzat.

“No,” replied the student, “you harassed us so much.” The Inspector put a ten rupees note in his hand and then requested him again to tell him the answer. But again the same reply. “No,” said the student, “I don’t TAKE MONEY FOR ASKING OR ANSWERING QUESTIONS (hope Indian MPs are reading this lol), you just give answer to my question.”

The inspector beseeched him again now putting a 100 rupee note into his pocket. “Please, tell me the answer now.”

The student asked the inspector to bring his ear close to him and then whispered slowly:” Sir, actually the second ant was TELLING A LIE.”

Bye

BTW kavita, you may like to read the second part of the story of my birth. It is at OPEN THREAD.

Thank you Harb, I have not been much on the blog today. I have just finished the last bit of work on my website and my designers are just putting it up as I write. I am taking time off tomorrow..to recover and will not be on the computer, but will sit and read your story just now.
Your joke was pretty funny btw!

Just received this from a friend

"A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he
said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out his beer.

ARJUNAN,

I have read all the jokes again, yours simply brought tears into my eyes laughing.

Then, Diablo's Santa only 'comes' once in a year...Aditi's about Dick, Yogis about Inji...I have been out of my breath laughing for an hour.

Just to thank you all.

The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat
Communion wafer. It is called:

"I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus."

I'm surprised :). Lilly