Nice ones! ; - )

Cheers, Rohit

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,
was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus?
The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last
one.The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted,
"Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's
wife."

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Laughed my guts out at this article I received on e-mail..…
A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...
"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man... they had monkeys and devils and shit like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... And you don't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks... Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know.
And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."

Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.

SOME DEFINITIONS

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power...
9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: books which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. 28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?
30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Cheers!
Navin

DOnt know if this is true or not... but its certainly unsurpassed in raw humor (as is the classic sent by Sundar here on Diwali!)

============

CALCUTTA's Telegraph has got hold of an answer paper of a candidate at the
recent UPSC examinations. The candidate has written an essay on the Indian
cow:

"The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadrupud, and because he is
female, he give milk,but will do so when he is got child.He is same like
God,sacred to Hindus and useful to man.But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. What can it do?
Various ghee, butter,cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.
Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of asitudinious species. Also his
other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in
hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding
after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in
the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is
got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great
velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the
other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which
alight on his cohoa body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not
crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts
his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

"This is the cow."

P.S.: We are informed that the candidate passed the exam.
=====================

Fun with telemarketers

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T.

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That's right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

Me: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but.

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for.

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click.

Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click.

North:

This was HILLARIOUS!! I cant stop laughing .. the lady in the nearby cube thinks I have gone crazy :-)

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son...

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"

Desh, so glad to know the intention of laughter was manifested(smiles.)

North

here's another one
Subject: Interesting Facts
Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry
... please warn
the
Pope!!

Just got this one:

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”
Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie.”

You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to Declare?”

From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said,”Go ahead Father.

Next!”

My nephew told me this one--

Where did the sheep get his hair cut?

At the bah-bah-shop!!

HA! HA!

Thank you every one..every joke brought a smile to my face.

Kavita my gals told me a joke before going to bed...

What did one egg said to another egg...

Lets get cracking....

That is so hilarious North.

Good one

Genuine smiles do not come easily for me: thank you!

This one is for Shekhar Kapur

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the
proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God
would like the director to make one more movie.

The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm
tired of all the hassles involved in making movies."

"Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven
to write a new score for the movie..."

"You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't
want to make any more movies."

"But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you,"
St. Peter exclaimed.

"I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

"Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William
Shakespeare to write it for you!"

"Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design
by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong?
I'll do it!"

"Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch...
I've got a girlfriend who sings..."

Haahahhah, I am laughing so much, the tears are streaming, and I had to do the "cross the legs dance"! lol (no, not really, i just thought it would sound cute, so did it?)

Great jokes and laughs every single one o'ya; and I certainly couldn't have timed reading it at a better time,

seehowlongitwilltakeyoufromthisdot.tofinsishreadingthismygreatlongestandbestestleoninethankyou.

North

This is true, I used to write long distance to a relative out living on his own, letters written entirely like that to read, to bring him out of a blue funk, if we'd just talked on the phone, and he was home-sick.

IF that didn't work, I would send letters, hand-written letters written backwards(told ya I didn't have toys growing up, I learned that!)so he'd have to stand in front of a mirror to read it! lol

IF that didn't work, I wrote a letter once, in one-inch sqare size pieces of paper, numbered; he had to put it together like a puzzle to read it first!

IF that didnt' work, I sent him same kind of letters; until he called one day and said: "ok, ok, I'm laughing!" took a while, but it worked! lol he said my letters made such good conversation pieces; his friends thought they were a blast, and in the mele, he lost his blue funk.

North

Stan, that was hilarious! lol

Kavita, sorry for the long sentance, cut it down ifn' ya have to, sorry about that, for some reason I thought it would auto-line break? lol

Oh, sorry for spamming if this is in a row.

North

You mom's will love this one!

This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and
4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance
classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned
house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects,
cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are
asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between
them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which
they must apply themselves, either while driving or while
making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their
sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to
eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be
intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over
again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right
to be called "Mother".

Stan,

Now this puts a whole new meaning to the title: Mr. Mom.

So men, you think it's a walk in the park to be a mom or a stay-at-home mom?

Wow! Guys, you must be glad you were born with testicles and not ovaries!

LOL!

My brother sent this to me from Hawaii..Maybe I need to talk to my sister in law :)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a hooker instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Why would I try to contract some disease for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Kavita, that was so hilarious!!

Stan, I can't stop laughing!! lol

North

Here's a funny one I got the other day:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the
email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages
from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!

There was once a Gujarati living in USA called Mitesh Bhai, who was involved in a car accident.

At the hospital,
when he awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had happened to him.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash."

"Car crash! My Corola! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.

"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries -
you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.

"I lost my arm? My Seiko Watch! My Seiko!" Sir, please calm down.

That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family are here to see you.

" He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.

"Leena, are you here?" "I am here husband, and I will never leave you."

"Pritesh, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Kalpesh, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Kamlesh, my child, are you here?" "I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Well," said Mitesh Bhai thoughtfully,

"Leena, Pritesh,Kalpesh and Kamlesh are here.....if all of you are here,

Who the hell is in the shop??"

Thanks Meeta and AT..Hilarious!

Taking a break...here are three more funnies

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

“And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
and

An Australian was sitting at the table of an outdoor café, reading the newspaper while having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian continued to read his newspaper, ignoring the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course, we do, only we call it jam here."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why, of course, we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

GOD LOVES BLONDES ANYWAY

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house, as well. Please let
me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car, as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays.

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto
just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with me on this... Buy a ticket."

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, It uses Alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2.Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
smuggling
diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity . . share this with someone to make them
smile.

Its called therapy.

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says to him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"

Einstein thinks for a few moments, and then asks for a blackboard and some chalk. St Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk suddenly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in esoteric mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.

St Peter is impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says, "Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks "Do you mind if I just use that blackboard and chalk?". Saint Peter says "Go ahead!". Picasso erases Einsteins equations and with only a few strokes of chalk, produces a truly breath taking mural. St Peter applauds and says "You are definately who you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then St Peter looks up and sees George W.Bush. St Peter says "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity, how can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

St Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George"

If Microsoft Ran a Bar

You order a beer but won't actually get it until next year.

When you do get your beer, it will only be half-full. When you complain about this, you get charged extra.

You are promised that the next beer you get will not only be full, but will actually brew you more beer. This turns out to be false. You still only get half a beer in a slightly different color of glass. You will probably need to learn how to drink all over again.

Your glass of beer will explode at random intervals. Far from being seen as a fault, this is described by the bar staff as an 'undocumented feature'. You are assured that the next beer you receive will not explode. Of course, it will and it does.

You can only talk to people who are drinking the same beer as you.

You can order a different drink, but you will have to go to another bar.

You've heard that there is another beer called 'Linux Real Lite', which is tastier, comes in a near bottomless glass and is free. But you can't drink it because you'll lose your job. Strangely, you'll keep your job if you continuously get pissed at MS-Bar.

You can become a MS-Beer expert by paying the bar lots of money and then taking a test in which you lie about how good the beer is while overlooking all its faults.

The bar releases NT-Beer, but it is so big that it won't fit on your table. You will have to buy a new table. The glass is still only half full.

For some obscure reason, you keep drinking at MS-Bar.

APPEARANCES CAN BE FUN

"Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?"
- Don Rickles

"Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun... Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you're no use to anyone."
- John Cooper Clarke

"He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard."
- Anon

"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
- Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor

"She loves 'NATURE' - In spite of what it did to her."
- Anon

"Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?"
- Don Rickles

"When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs."
- Anon

"I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly."
- Anon

"Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday."
- Anon

"See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome."
- Anon

"Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?"
- Anon

"Don't you need a license to be that ugly?"
- Anon

"Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!"
- Anon

"I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!"
- Anon

Thank Ron, great lines!

"Excuse me, sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog at e them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think tha t means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

1) You are at a party and you see a cute girl. You walk up to her and tell her “ I am a tiger in bed”. This is called MARKETING

2. You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a cute girl. One of your friends walks up to her and tells her: “ My friend over there is a tiger in bed”. This is called ADVERTISING

3. You are at a party and you see a cute girl. You walk up to her and ask her for her phone number. The next day you call her and you tell her that you are a tiger in bed, that is called TELEMARKETING

4. You are at a party and you recognize a cute girl you were together with. You walk up to her and tell her: “remember me, I was the tiger in your bed”, this is called CUSTOMER RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT.

5. You are at a party and you see a cute girl. You get up, bring her a glass of champagne, you open the door for her when she leaves, you pick up her handbag when she drops it, you offer her a cigarette and you tell her: “ By the way, I am a tiger in bed, this is called PUBLIC RELATIONS

6. You are at a party and see a cute girl. The said cute girl goes over to you and tells you: “ I have heard you are a tiger in bed”, this is called BRANDING

7. You are at a party and you see a cute girl. Said girl comes over and tells you: “ You really are a tiger in bed “, this is called CUSTOMER SATISFACTION.

Sundar, that was priceless! Enjoying the laughter everyone, please don't stop, I'm hard to please, when my sponge wants more, more, more! (smiles)

North

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."

And a naughty one

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

So Kavita,

What was he eating for the other 5 minutes?

Big D. :)!

Diablo, my knight in shining armor
I wasn't there in the jungle with them..I was in the trenches training my goon squad.what do you think?!

So, my fair lady, on the heels of your tantalizing, teasing requisition, may I ask: "what's on the menu tonight?"

Big D.

Am out!