Laughter the Best Medicine
Kavita Chhibber - June 05, 2006
Its about time we all shared a smile
Let me start by posting this from an email my friend Dr Indrani Dutta-gupta sent me. I hope all of you will join in with your favorite jokes, stories.
"The Way Children See Things!
(if only we could retain this spirit as adults)
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't co me to the phone to talk! to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
!
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin . Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Posted by Kavita Chhibber at June 5, 2006 07:38 AM
Comments
Here is a joke forwarded to me long back. Most of the people must have read this but still...
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said, "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for God’s sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"
Ha, ha, the old times! Bickering and bitching. Saving face smiling. But fomenting discontent with malice intent. Why people not see a stupid friend is worse than an intelligent enemy? Have good laughter friends at the laughing content.
Really Worth reading........
In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an Englishwoman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring the facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house. A bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster, with the help of the priest, got together the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is Located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 29 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to last know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With Deepest Regards,
The Schoolmaster
Kavita, I needed those timely jokes. i am in stitches. Thanks.
Swear, your joke is unbelievable. Thanks. How are you??
Hi Geeta!
so nice to hear ur voice. :)
I really missssssSed u over the weekend. :(
Truckloads of love to you Geeta... :)
This was supposedly sent by a senior grandma...
NUDITY / ELDERLY / TECHNICAL
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find Out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male
Murphy's Laws of Love;
1.All the good ones are taken.
2.If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3.The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4.Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5.The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
6.Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7.The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8.Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9.Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10.If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11.Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Murphy's Laws of Sex;
1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16.Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17.It is always the wrong time of month.
18.The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19.When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20.Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21.Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22.The younger the better.
23.The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25.Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26.Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27.There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28.Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29.Love is a hole in the heart.
30.If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31.Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32.Do it only with the best.
33.Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34.One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35.You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36.Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37.It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38.Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39.Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40.Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41.Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42.A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43.What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44.It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45.Never say no.
46.A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47.Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48.Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49.Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50.A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51.Love comes in spurts.
52.The world does not revolve on an axis.
53.Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54.Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55.Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56.There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57.Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58.Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59."This won't hurt, I promise."
Here are two more
"When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
"Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the
aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring ! back
at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little heart! s on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is
also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asks his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $139.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time
....PRICELESS!!!
Swear aam not spiritual! --- funny -- funny !!! on the hen joke. i want to share that joke to everyone i know, love & hate - and i will. =)
thanks!!!
hah hah hah :)
will serach through my mails for a good one too...
R
Kavita:
Here are a couple from me:
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom
===========
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
cheers.
desh
drishtikone.com
This guy walks into a bar with a parrot atop his head.
"Hey man... where did you get this one?", asks the zapped bartender.
"You won't believe it joe, but I swear this thing started as a wart on my butt!", replies the parrot.
HOTEL CALIFORNIA, as written by Singh Saab
-------------------------------------------------
On the dark GT highway
Pagdi patka in my hair
Warm smell from some dhabas
Rising up in the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a tharra joint
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I must have drunk over a pint
There he stood in the drive way
I heard his truck helper yell
And I was thinking to myself
This had to be Devinder Singh Behl
Then he belched, and scratched his head
And he was on the highway
And the other drivers leaning from their truck car doors
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Vaddi changi place (vaddi changi place)
Vaddi changi place
Massage, manicure, pedicure at Karnal-a-fonia
Any kind of ear (any kind of ear)
You can clean it here
His car's grill was definitely twisted
He's got a Maruti-Benz
He's got a lot of petty petty MLAs
Whom he calls his friends
Dancing bhangra in the courtyard
See surdie sweat
Some dancer is this Devinder
Armpits stinking wet
So I told the bell captain
I have made a reservation online
And he said, oye khoteyya our internet hasn't worked at all
Since Y2K - 1999
And still those drivers were calling from the drive way
Woke me in the middle of the night
I know I heard them say
Welcome to the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Itthey karlo rest (itthey karlo rest)
Itthey karlo rest
Aish karo at the hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Kudi umr baees (kudi umr baees)
Will serve you nice
Daler on the ceiling
And on the walls in every guise
And waitresses dressed like actresses
From flicks of Subhash Ghai's
And in the downstairs canteen
I sat down for my meal
Butter chicken, and sarson da saag
Had a shock when they showed me the bill
Looking for help I saw Devinder
Dancing wildly on the floor
I had to find my hostess back
Oh where is this Gurpreet Kaur?
Relax said Milkha Singh
Play golf with my son Jeev
Tu ban gaya Punjab da puttar
Now you cant ever leave
So here I am,
Wasting life at the Hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Vaddi changi place (vaddi changi place)
Vaddi changi place
Converted to member of Hotel Karnal-a-fonia
Whoever arrives (whoever arrives)
Stays till he dies !!!
Thanks very one..here are three funny and slightly naughty ones but couldnt resist posting them.
have a fun filled day since every one is calling it a devilish on 6-6-06!
Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia are traveling in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly
there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the
tunnel.
The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Bush is
bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of
them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to
kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Bush is thinking:
Damn it ! Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have
thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing
sound and slap Bush again.
Smart!
Voted best Irish joke of 2006!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the
pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the
pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Finally fertile
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to
her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
The Canonical List of Polish Jokes
1
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak
with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its
end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole
out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the
yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American!
I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
2
Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.
3
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
4
Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke).
5
Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.
6
Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.
7
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.
8
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
9
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
10
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He
drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the
rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step
out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and
start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They
hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and
ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
11
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A
polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup
truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the
bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the
back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
12
A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a
naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!...
The Polish guy shot her.
13
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
14
Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe?
A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe.
Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable.
15
Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
16
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
17
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that
would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a
Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced
well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and
called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them
how to swim.
17 (alt)
Did you hear about the new game fish the Illinois Department
of Natural Resources is trying to breed? They took a Coho and crossed
it with a Walleye. They called it a Kowal. It had great taste, and
fought like hell, but wasn't very large. So they crossed it with a
Muskie, and called it a Kowalski. It has the best of everything: it
fights hard, it tastes great, and it grows up to 50 inches. The only
problem is they're having trouble teaching to swim!
18
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR
LEFT" so they went home.
19
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are
amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to
the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on
the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X
tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the
same boat?"
20
Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in
Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.
21
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German
soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each
climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree
where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come
down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next
tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next
tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo,
moo..."
22
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,
when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal
may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping
out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy
steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it
working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No,
it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
23
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up
in the country people's fashion.
24
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe
says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What
do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there
straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
24
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
25
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.
26
A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself
cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days,
then return for a checkup.
Seven days later....
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now.
So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your caugh.
27
This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took
off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it
to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
28
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."
29
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
30
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
31
A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach
looked him over and decided to give him a chance.
"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you
come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the
team."
"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.
The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many
days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how
many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in
'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he
knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in
the week that start with 'T'?"
The Polak said, "Two!"
"Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?"
"Today and Tomorrow!"
"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a
year?"
"Twelve!"
"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was
perplexed.
"Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the
second of February, the second of..."
"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the
Red Nosed Reindeer?'"
"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and
sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"
To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."
32
A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his
collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your
shirt backwards?"
The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Polak scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I
don't wear my shirt backwards!"
Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Polak replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts
backwards!"
33
A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box
that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,
but what would you want a box like that for?"
"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and
forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."
34
Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.
35
A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not
quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I _am_ Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
36
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to
spin the chair.
A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
37
A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor
and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the
plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he
himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down
together. The Polak understood and was ready.
The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The
instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The
Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for
a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping
from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute
did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute
open, darted past the Polak.
The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his
parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
38
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
39
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
40
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the
Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind
towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years,
_but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
Five years later, the Germans come to release their
prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out
totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out
rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and
says, "Has anyone got a light?"
41
A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are
many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet
one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all
interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy
lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been
trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just
can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these
women. What do they *want*?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What
you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming
suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly
zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the
store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back
to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck
with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you
again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I
*still* haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go
to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and
walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly
zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the
potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look
at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to
the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and
I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I
do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle
beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee
sweeming suit?"
42
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in
Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR
and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA
and asks the Americans:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to
Israel, and asks the Israelis:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse
me?"
43
One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the
foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the
Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground. Both men
work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure
chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their
wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around
madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish
workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like
Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says,
"Oh no, 50 - 50".
44
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel
(in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been
mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the
party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk
insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed
dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but
eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his
way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make
friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of
tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests
are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're *very*
drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After
sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them
anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a
floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone
he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room
immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to
horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a
few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their
bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to
himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about
to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he
appreciated your little joke last night!"
45
Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but,
since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up
doll and he will never know the difference. Being a bit nervous
because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside
the door. The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says
the Madam.
"I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she
farted and flew out the window!"
46
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.
47
Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea
when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
48
A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown
paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do
you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish
in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can
guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."
The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many
fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
49
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and
subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
50
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of Poland.
51
Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest
Service.
52
A Polak, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the
desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start
walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to
get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he
saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher
noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he
was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are
you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?"
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that
since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he
was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking
toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?"
asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that
since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he
had the bread.
Finally the Polak appeared, dragging a car door through the
sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you
dragging that car door?"
"Well," said the Polak, "I have a long way to go, so if it
gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."
53
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
54
Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a
theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."
55
Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an
overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure
their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'. So the first Polak looks at
the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go
for it!"
56
Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an
airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the
windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how
short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"
The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right!
That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, were almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers
to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency
landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to
just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the
ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot
was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST
before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was
CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the copilot,"and WIDE too!"
57
Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training.
58
Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got
them bronzed.
59
A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the
doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been
taking them regulary?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've
been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
60
Did you hear about the gay Polak? He slept with women.
61
The Polish government was tired of being the brunt of so many
jokes about their stupidity so they decided to start a building
project to prove that they weren't as dumb as the rest of the world
made them out to be.
"Gentlemen," said the Minister of Public Works, "we have
decided that we can prove to the world that we aren't as dumb as the
world says we are by building the world's largest suspension bridge!"
The assembly 'oohed' and 'ahhed' with appreciation. "But to REALLY
show our intellectual superiority, we are going to build it in the
most conspicuous and difficult place on Earth--the Sahara Desert!"
Suddenly the assemblage erupted in mass confusion. Everyone was
shouting, and slapping the Minister of Public Works on the back. They
all agreed that this would settle this stupidity issue once and for
all. And so they commenced to building.
Several months passed before the goverment council reconvened.
The Minister of Public Works sadly took the pulpit. "As you have no
doubt heard gentlemen, the suspension bridge construction project is
an unmitigated disaster. The world is laughing even harder at us than
ever before. We shall have to destroy it."
The Minister of Foreign Relations asked for the floor. "I'm
sorry to report this, gentlemen, but we cannot destroy the bridge."
Once again the government council broke out into mass confusion.
Shouts of consternation were heard on every tongue. Finally, the
hubbub died down enough for the Minister of Foreign Relations to be
heard. "I know, I know," he cried, "but we just cannot get it torn
down. Every crew we have sent there winds up fishing off of the
side!"
62
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
63
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
64
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the
international science convention, where all the countries of the world
gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The
scientists listened to the United States describe how they were
another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were
preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a
car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to
speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This,
of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned
to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"
65
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could
not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
66
The Polish were entrenched on the front opposite the Germans during
one of the battles of WWII. As hard as they tried, the Germans
couldn't hit any of the Polish soldiers because they kept low in the
ditches. Finally one of the Germans hit upon an idea. "Hey Krachevski,
is that you?" he yelled at the Polish trench.
Krachevski stood up in his trench and said, "Yeah, it's me!"
and was immediately shot by the Germans.
The Polish soldiers pondered this over and decided that it was
a good idea. "Is that you, Wilhelm?" one of the Polish soldiers yelled
to the German trench.
"Yeah, it's me Markowski," replied one of the German soldiers.
"Why don't you come over here?"
"OK, I'm coming...."
Bang!
67
Polish executive sexually harassing his secretary: "Either I'm going
to masturbate in my office right now or you're going to lose your job."
68
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
69
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.
70
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
A: They open on impact.
71
There was once a Polak who was extremely sad with life because
people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He
sat back and thought about it. Suddenly he thought - "I have never
seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and
behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am Polish
and make fun of me." He went into isolation for three months and
after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said,
"I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."
Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a
Polak?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The
man behind the counter said, "Are you a Polak or not?"
This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop
owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which
he asked, "But how did you know?"
The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"
72
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.
73
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
74
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade
Russia.
75
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
76
A group of Italians (or whatever) and a group of Poles heard that the
telephone company was looking for people so they went and applied.
The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone
so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of
the day they reported back on how they had done. The Italian team had
installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians
were hired but the Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated
because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the
ground.
77
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem)
A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
78
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union?
A: Every man for himself.
79
There's a toll free number you can call that's a recording of a Polish
joke. There's a different joke every day. Just dial 1-800-POLISH-Q.
80
THE OFFICIAL POLISH SEX QUIZ
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that
seems most correct (True or False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign
your name) under the appropriate heading on the right side.
TRUE FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. |______|______|
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. |______|______|
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. |______|______|
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.|______|______|
5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. |______|______|
6. A G-string is part of a violin. |______|______|
7. Semen is another word for "sailor". |______|______|
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". |______|______|
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. |______|______|
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. |______|______|
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. |______|______|
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. |______|______|
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. |______|______|
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". |______|______|
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. |______|______|
16. A condom is an apartment complex. |______|______|
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior | | |
in church. |______|______|
18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. |______|______|
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. |______|______|
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new | | |
government officials. |______|______|
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. |______|______|
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. |______|______|
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. |______|______|
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. |______|______|
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve" |______|______|
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. |______|______|
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. |______|______|
81
Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the
usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped
forward and screamed "That's her!!"
82
WARSAW, Poland (AP) -- A man who wanted to practice shooting
was hospitalized Monday after his dog shot him.
The unidentified man left his gun unattended in the yard of
his summer house to prepare a target when his dog accidentally pulled
the trigger while sniffing around, the PAP news agency reported.
Surgeons removed five dozen pellets from the man's body, but
his wounds were not considered life-threatening.
The incident occurred in the northern town of Bytow.
83
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.
84
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.
85
These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting
on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another
nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up
another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his
friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails
away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."
The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for
the other side of the house!"
86
Three men were all applying for the same job as a
detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather
than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief
decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision
upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief
asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed
him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief
asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."
Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked
the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,
"Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but
get back to me tommorrow."
When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the
interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already
investigating a murder!"
87
Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.
88
Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the
usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped
forward and screamed "That's her!!"
89
Polish knock-knock joke:
First Pole: Knock-Knock!
Second Pole: Come in!
90
I had a friend that was a very good Polish joke teler and we
were at a local tavern on day and having a few beers.....he began
telling Polish jokes.
The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he
finally came over to out table and said..."I am polish and I can take
a Polish joke as well as the next Polok but your continued bashing of
my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?
We did.
Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and
the burley Polok got up and followed him into the bathroom. They were
in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my
friend what "What happened in there?" He said "Well, you saw him
follow me into the can.......Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME! Really
scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a
pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN! :-)
91
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy
came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make
conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened
intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about
the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself,
"Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these
days?"
92
Guy walks into a bar, sits downs and starts to make
conversation with guy at next table. "Want to hear the worlds's worst
Polish Joke?"
#2 says "Sure, but before you tell it, let me tell you
something. See those two bikers over there by the door-real mean
motherfuckers-??? They're Polish. And those two bouncers by the bar?
They're Polish too! The Bartender?? Polish!! And one more thing pal,
I'm Polish too!!! Now..... still want to tell that joke?"
"Hell no!", replies #1, "I don't want to have to explain it 6
times!"
93
I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.
94
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
95
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.
96
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the
bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him
remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found
it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old
country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part
of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other.
"This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's
get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did
you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I
graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's
get another shot."
But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting
home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin'
Liszjewski twins are here again."
97
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.
98
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?
A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
99
Q: How do you confuse a Polak?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
100
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
101
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.
102
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.
103
Q: How do Polaks form a car pool?
A: They meet at work.
104
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.
105
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
night?
A: A new last name.
106
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.
107
After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to
locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came
across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this
Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."
"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the
search.
A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.
"Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley
shrugged and they walked on.
Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which
he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.
"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."
108
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but
was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his
pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of
the muggers increduously.
"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were
after the $400 in my shoe!"
109
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies
born in the world today is Chinese.
110
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she
was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
111
Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day off the
boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do
they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"I dunno."
"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to
do as they do."
So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat
down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked inside his
wax paper, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you
get?"
112
Two Polaks are walking down opposite sides of a river when
they notice each other. One invites the other one over. "I can't
swim", he replies. "Why don't you come over here?"
The other guy says, "I can't swim, either. What are we gonna
do?"
First guy says, "Wait! I got a flashlight. I'll turn it on,
and you walk across the beam to this side."
The second guy replies, "No way! I'll get half-way across, and
you'll turn the flashlight off!"
113
Kowalski and Lisjewski are hard at work cleaning out the sewer
on a sweltering day in July, beneath the streets of the
Bronx. Kowalski says, "I really hate this crummy smelly job shovellin'
shit!"
Lisjewski says, "Yuh! Me too, I hate it."
K says, "How come you and me is down here underground
shovellin' shit and breakin' our backs, when Rafaelli is up there
sittin' in the truck with the air-conditioner on, smokin' cigarettes
and readin' the newspaper? That's what I'd like to know!"
L says, "Yuh! How come izzat?"
K says, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going up there and
I'm gonna say that to Rafaelli just like I said it to you, and then
we'll see what he's got to say."
L says, "Yuh, go up there and ask 'im what you said."
So K brushes the scuzz off his pants, and climbs up the ladder
to the street and goes over to the truck, and motions Rafaelli to come
out. R says, "Whattayou want, Kowalski? And hurry up, it's hot out
here."
K says, "Well, I just wanna know one thing, Rafaelli. Howcum
me 'n' Lisjewski is down there underground shovellin' shit, and yer up
here in the air-conditionin', smokin' cigarettes all day? How come?"
R smiles and says, "Is that all you wanted to know? That's
real easy, Kowalski." He holds his hand out in front of the heavy iron
truck bed and says, "OK, Kowalski, hit my hand real hard."
K unloads a huge haymaker and, of course, R pulls his hand
away quickly. K smashes his fist against the truck.
OK, Kowalski," says R, "*That's* the reason why I get to stay
up here in the truck, and you and L gotta shovel shit in the sewer. Do
you get it now?"
K nods and returns to the ladder, rubbing his hand. When he
gets back down into the tunnel, L is waiting for him - "What'd he say,
Kowalski? How come izzit that Rafaelli gets to sit up there in the
truck, and we gotta come down here and shovel shit?"
K says, "I don't know if you're gonna be able to understand
this but I'll try to explain it just like Rafaelli told me. Now...
hit my hand real hard..." and Kowalski holds his hand up in front of
his face....
114
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole?
A: He varnished into thin air!
115
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are
scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American
and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"
They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German
in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the
dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and
shouts "Fire!"
116
An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the
French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine. The
executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any
last words. The Italian replies, "I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may
live." They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's
neck. Amazed, the French let him go.
Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any
final words. He replies, "In the name of Jesus Christ, please have
mercy." They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the
American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.
Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has
any last words. He says, "Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope."
117
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first
day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second
day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a
mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem
was. The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther
and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
118
There are three construction workers on top of a building
having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The
Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak
has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the
same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball
hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The
Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it
off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst
tommorow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their
lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles
respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The
Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask
him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking. He
responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
119
A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his
back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but
why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the
top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood
for you in one day."
So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the
trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he
decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the
chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak
asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all
day", the Polak tells himself. So, the next morning the Polak gets up
at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and
he only manages to cut five cords.
The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me
it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will
take this saw back to the dealer", the Polak says to himself. The
very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains
the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the
chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then
the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds, "What's
that noise?"
120
Q: What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
A: The four-ten split.
(hint: four-ten is when these bowling pins remain standing)
121
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
122
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.
123
Knock, Knock?
Who's there?
Polish burglar.
124
Polish condom, has air holes.
125
Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
126
Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
127
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom
letter.
128
Q: A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German soldier and a
charging Russian soldier. Which did he shoot first, and why?
A: He shot the German first--business before pleasure.
129
POLISH MEDICAL TERMNINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
artery the study of fine painting
baruium what you do when the patient dies
beneign what you are after you are eight
cesarean section a district in Rome
colic a sheep dog
congenital friendly
dilate to live long
fester quicker
G.I. series baseball game between soldiers
hangnail coat hook
medical staff a doctors cane
minor operation coal digger
morbid a higher offer
nitrate lower than the day rate
node was aware of
organic church musician
out-patient a person who has fainted
post-operative a letter carrier
protein in favor of young people
secretion hiding anything
serology study of English knighthood
tablet a small table
tumor an extra pair
urine opposite of your out
varicose veins veins very close together
130
Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure
trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good
pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some- what amusing and so he
goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars,
discotheques.... This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul
does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have
held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps
something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days
at a stretch. At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police
station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of
the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:
Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now you
shall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you
have is CORRECT?
Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?
Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar,
everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with two
ass-holes."
130 (alt)
For five years, two Poles and an Italian have worked side by
side every day as window washers, and every night after work they
stopped for a drink. One day, disaster struck, and the Italian fell to
his death. The police came to the site and began asking questions.
"Where does he live?" The Poles shrugged their shoulders. "Is
he married?" The Poles didn't know. "What is his NAME?" The Poles
shrugged again. "You worked with this guy for five years and you don't
know anything about him?" the cop asked.
"I know something about him," one Polak volunteered. "He has
two assholes."
"What are you talking about?" said the cop.
"Well," said the Polak, "Whenever we go for a drink after work
the bartended says, 'Here comes the dago with the two assholes.'"
131
Two Polish hunters were out looking for pheasant when they
came upon the local farmer's daughter, sitting naked on a fence,
sunning herself.
The first hunter asked, "Are you game?"
She replied, "I sure am, Honey!"
The second hunter shot her.
132
Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual
cycle in on a Honda?
133
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was
looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving
you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."
The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah,
nyah--I wasn't even home last night."
Disclaimer
Please don't send me any flames if you are offended by any jokes in
this list. They're not meant to offend, but to entertain. Enjoy
them...keep an open mind. I'm not out to target the Polish community
from:
http://www.cris.com/~mrglueck/
Thank God, That was some break from the usual !!
Swear aam not spiritual, No name, Desh and Marek, the jokes were priceless. Hi Geeta and sameer,jen and R- waiting for you to post yours. Just got back after a long day and here are two more.
An Englishman went next door to welcome his new Indian neighbour.
He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a another day, he went home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again.
When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it.
"Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.
The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man.
At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.
He became angry and went up to the Indian man.
"I'm sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.
The Indian man looked confused and answered.
"Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs.
I was told, to be English,you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit."
'A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to
buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
"man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains"
-rousseau
i am proud to be an indian.i really love and respect india and its people.do you?
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband."I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Dear Kavita,
Just to confirm our renewed friendship, here are some jokes about my favorite humorous character, Mulla Nasruddin. But first a background about him for people who don't know him:
Every year Nasruddin's day is celebrated in Turkey with great pomp and show. The age in which he lived is not exactly known. There are even doubts about the country of his birth. Iranians claim that he was from Iran. The Turks have their own claim. The latest claim is that of the Russians who say that he was born in Bukhara, Uzbekistan. But he is said to be buried in Turkey. Whatever Nasruddin's place of birth and nationality might have been, the fact remains that his anecdotes are famous all over the world.
Several Volumes of stories about Nasruddin (also called Nasiruddin) have been published in England. His stories have been published in Urdu and Pashto languages too; they are often repeated by the people. The stories of Nasruddin are popular because they deal with experiences of day-to-day life. He had been a tailor, a merchant, a doctor, a judge or a farmer, and he had traveled widely. Some of his stories, while narrating a funny situation describe a fact and serve as an advice for people.
------------------------------------------------
And now some action:
A neighbor who Nasruddin didn't like very much came over to his compound one day. The neighbor asked Nasruddin if he could borrow his donkey. Nasruddin not wanting to lend his donkey to the neighbor he didn't like told him, "I would love to loan you my donkey but only yesterday my brother came from the next town to use it to carry his wheat to the mill to be grounded. The donkey sadly is not here."
The neighbor was disappointed. But he thanked Nasruddin and began to walk away.
Just as he got a few steps away, Mullah Nasruddin's donkey, which was in the back of his compound all the time, let out a big bray.
The neighbor turned to Nasruddin and said, "Mullah Sahib, I thought you told me that your donkey was not here.
Mullah Nasruddin turned to the neighbor and said, "My friend, who are you going to believe? Me or the donkey?
-------------------------------------------
One day Nasruddin repaired tiles on the roof of his house. While Nasruddin was working on the roof, a stranger knocked the door.
- What do you want? Nasruddin shouted out.
- Come down, replied stranger So I can tell it.
Nasruddin unwilling and slowly climbed down the ladder.
- Well! replied Nasruddin, what was the important thing?
- Could you give little money to this poor old man? begged stranger.
Tired Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said,
- Follow me up to the roof.
When both Nasruddin and beggar were upside, on the roof, Nasruddin said,
- The answer is no!
---------------------------------------------
Nasruddin opened a booth with a sign above it:
Two Questions On Any Subject Answered For Only 100 Silver Coins
A man who had two very urgent questions handed over his money, saying:
- A hundred silver coins is rather expensive for two questions, isn't it?
- Yes, said Nasruddin, and the next question, please?
---------------------------------------------
Nasruddin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece.
One day a kindly man said to him:
- Nasruddin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you.
- That may be true, said Nasruddin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.
Cheers!
Navin
Ever watched the movie Good Will Hunting? Here's a joke from the movie..
(Set in a plane) - The Pilot announces the usual weather information and the plane will take off and land stuff and forgets to switch off the microphone and utters to his copilot - "I could use a blowjob and some Coffee now than this flying shit" - and as the Stewardess bombs from the back of the plane to the cockpit (for obvious reasons) a passenger utters - "Hey! Don’t forget the Coffee!!!!"
Thanks Navin, Sameer, swear aam not spiritual. I enjoyed reading these on getting home a few minutes ago.
received this some time back and its quite funny
"Good things that movies taught us over the decades�this is really true�
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people�whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don�t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It�s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off�even while scuba diving.
14. You�re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: �Enter Password Now.�
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they�re going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
27. No matter how long or how feirce the battle rages, you will never run out of bullets. Unless the villian does too�
28. When chased by a hoard of zombies, run upstairs.
29. Four henchmen can only maintain control of seventy good-guys as long as the hero is nowhere in sight.
30. To avoid getting shot in a firefight, remain stationary with TWO handguns, which will never run out of bullets. Even if they do, you will have an extra mag somewhere. Use of only ONE handgun will result in you getting shot.
31. Ben Affleck never went to acting school.
32. Bruce Willis and Tommy Lee Jones did.
Good ones Kavitha. You know what? This thread sadly reminds me of the fact that I have not one decent joke up my sleeve. Jeez, am I dirty? :)
Love,
Sameer
Great news for Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.
A friend sent it to me:-
You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
• puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
• gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
• sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
• tries to drown a fish in water.
• thinks socialism means partying.
• trips over a cordless phone.
• takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
• At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".
• studies for a blood test and fails.
• sells the car for gas money.
• misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
• drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and
goes home.
• gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
its a request....plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz tell rahul khanna to blog...ppplllzzzzzz
thanks
sonam
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Recent Comments
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sonam commented on Laughter the Best Medicine
its a request....plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz tell rahul
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ispita commented on Laughter the Best Medicine
A friend sent it to me:-
You should be
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Sameer commented on Laughter the Best Medicine
Great news for Bill Gates
Bill Clinton,
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Sameer commented on Laughter the Best Medicine
Good ones Kavitha. You know what? This thread s
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kavita chhibber commented on Laughter the Best Medicine
Thanks Navin, Sameer, swear aam not spiritual.
:) :) :)
Kavita: great post! great jokes!!
I think I laughed after quite some time. Thanks for sharing. :)
Love & God bless!