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Paradise regained: India Calling

Kavita Chhibber - October 11, 2006

And so I made this sudden trip to India after a long gap to surprise

my dad on his birthday on the 23rd of September. For someone who went to India every year for long stretches, this had been the longest gap. Suddenly somewhere, somehow I had gotten so caught up with own life, my work assignments, and taken the fact that if I didn’t go my family would show up here to visit me(and they did) for granted, that I had forgotten what it felt like to be back home and that my family extended way beyond my parents.

I still remember the first time I had come to the States. I had been so homesick I would call for hours, running up an 800 dollar bill once(I could have added a few more dollars and landed home instead) and even get mom to get the dog on the phone so I could talk to him and hear him bark. Then life in America, the transition and preoccupation of being in another country wrapped its tentacles around me so tightly, that I found every excuse in the book to find a reason why it was inconvenient to go back. In the past 2 years in spite of booking my ticket many times, my plans changed at the last minute and so things languished-until this July when my dad, a very quiet and reserved man by nature asked me three times in a week, “ When are you coming home?”

My answer the first two times had been-“ In December, when things are a bit slow.” When he asked me the same question for the third time in three days in the same week, something snapped and I booked my ticket the same day. I told mom not to tell him because I wanted it to be a surprise. I warned her I could only make it for 2 weeks and had to be back because of my crazy schedule.
Just as I had booked my ticket, my brother who is not just the love of my life, but is adored by everyone in the family because he is so amazing in so many ways decided to get married to a girl he had just met for a couple of weeks. (She is awesome by the way!), and so I ended up extending my trip and staying in India for 25 amazing days.

I went by Continental airlines which has recently started a service to Delhi from NY and all my friends who live in and around New York haven’t stopped raving about it. The first thing that I see in the Continental terminal is this huge carnival of colorful Indians trying to gatecrash, and the Continental staff looking harried as this woman official screamed-“When I say rows 40 to 45, I MEANT ROWS 40 TO 45-everyone else get BACK! Ah the quintessential Indian mantra coming to life…ignore instructions and make a run for it. Everyone from first class passengers to the ones down the rung, shamelessly continued to elbow and jostle their way trying to get into the gate leading to the plane. The food and service were so incredibly good, I just hope Continental, doesn’t keel under the human onslaught of the determined and undisciplined Indians of America and abort their take off to the hallowed shores of one of world’s emerging superpowers prematurely!

Landing at the International airport in Delhi was another pleasant surprise. Everyone was very efficient, courteous and welcoming at the immigration and I was out in 15 minutes. Delhi has changed so much. Every time I go I am totally befuddled by the new flyovers, the mind boggling traffic, the speed and utter disregard for traffic lights and yield signs. I think every driver who can manipulate his or her way around the capital of India, deserves a gold medal.

The fun part began when Bharat the brother who received me called home to tell mom I had reached. My dad is so sharp that duping him had to be a finely tuned operation. It almost fizzled out because of two over excited relatives of ours who called randomly and asked if I had reached. Mom had to come up with the stellar excuse -oh they think because everyone is coming for the wedding she may have changed her plans from December to now”. While I had just told mom and my brother, I don’t think it is ever possible in an extended Indian family as closely knit as ours for any secret to go to the grave with us. I found out very shortly thereafter when another brother started humming the urdu couplet—jaane na jaane gul hi na jaane baagh to saara jaane hai(only the flower doesn’t know, the entire garden does-referring to my arrival as an open secret and dad’s ignorance!) that it was now a well known secret(?). Mercifully however, even my little niece who is only 8 managed to keep her mouth shut. My sister pretended to go for a hair cut and ended up at the airport. My brother came separately-Mom stayed at home because she couldn’t find an excuse that looked convincing enough, lest dad began to wonder why everyone is disappearing at the same time.

It was the most gratifying feeling to see the look of such shock on the face of the man who says little escapes him(trained in military intelligence, a super judge of character and so on!). He said he thought he was hallucinating or having a dizzy spell.. After the spell was broken began the magic of love that surrounded me till the day I returned. Three of my brothers took it upon themselves to spoil me rotten.

The bridegroom spent the first week fulfilling my every wish..this was the baby brother with amber golden eyes, and dimpled apple cheeks, that I adored and carried around. Now at a strapping 6 foot 2 , for this super successful young business tycoon, suddenly his didi(big sister) was now relegated to being the one he had to take care of personally and molly coddle instead.. No matter where he was, he made it a point to whisk me away, get all my shopping done in Jammu, take me to places I wanted to visit again, even if it meant sleeping less than 2 hours every day.
Relatives showed up from all over the world, some flew in just for two days from London or the middle east or wherever they were.

I return with memories that are so precious- Jammu, a city ravaged by terrorism, and heartbreaking visions of refugees(the new bride’s parents being among them) now suddenly brimming with affluence and hope. Big corporate houses like Reliance industries planning to head there. Each day was filled with laughter, reminisces, oodles of food. I was meeting some of the relatives after a gap of many years. Yet in all the revelry and warmth the writer in me was never far away as I sat down and recorded stories of pain and nostalgia, when many skeletons came tumbling out of the closets of close friends of mom’s and some relatives..stories of betrayal and redemption, stories of riches to the worst rags, stories of seduction and heartbreak, nostalgia and remembrance….as the strains of wedding music, of people dancing, of the chanting of mantras at the ceremony, and incessant laughter, mingled with the tears shed by each story teller. Of laughing with two cousin sisters and breaking down because their older brother who I had adored and played with so much when we were children, had died an untimely death under tragic circumstances. I felt him so close to me as the two danced and teased my brother, the bridegroom.

Of laughing at all the elaborate rituals that made no sense as my brother pointed out the innovative way in which the Priest was trying to eke out as much cash as he could from his folks because he knew they had the dough. Of seeing the petite 5 foot nothing bride tottering on high heels to try and put the marriage garland around my brother’s neck while he would pretend to lower his head and then raise it and move away at the last minute. We knew who would have the last word, when her innovative brother and sister quickly came from behind and lifted her as she slam dunked the garland nearly uprooting his turban! Of seeing my brother being stripped down to his shorts and being covered with some gooey stuff which would make him look fairer and lovelier than he was in a matter of minutes(it didn’t!) Of standing in the beautiful resort Hari Palace where another brother had thrown a dinner for the bridegroom and bride, with my aunt over looking the valley of mountains shimmering with lights as darkness fell and being told fables and legendary stories of the two famous holy shrines- Vaishno Devi and the Dargah of Peer Budden Shah of Satwari that I had heard as a child from my grandmother-of having a mystical experience that suddenly landed me inside the portals of the saint of Satwari's resting place barely hours before I was to leave.
The tightest security at Jammu airport as rumbles of discontent reverberated on the Jammu-Pakistan borders, and in the middle of the security check having a discussion on my silver bangles with the woman doing the security check(women will be women!)

Of tying the invisible threads of love that bind my brothers and family to me a little tighter- of welcoming this lovely girl into the family, to start her new life with the man of her dreams. And of hearing dad complain-I didn’t even feel as if you came home-I never saw you.. you were gone forever every day..”

On my way back, (and no there was no long wait, at the Delhi International airport) the immigration officer in Newark, looked at my passport, and my green card and asked- don’t you want to become a US Citizen-you’ve been here long enough? I wanted to say-the day the world I left behind is replicated here may be I will. Until then my Indian passport some how connects me to the country where I swallow the pollution and live to inhale the fragrance of never ending love-that in spite of staying away for years in a country I call my home today, I still reconnect and feel a deeper sense of belonging in India in a way I never could have imagined. And yes I booked my ticket to go back again in December –so my dad can finally say-you are truly home, because my home is where my heart is.

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Posted by Kavita Chhibber at October 11, 2006 08:05 AM

Comments

Where did this post disappear off to? Now I see that my response from yesterday is missing?

1. Posted by ARM on October 11, 2006 08:12 AM

Dear Kavita,

Keeping silent now. Yet very disappointed that the comments of yesterday disappeared.

2. Posted by mieke on October 11, 2006 08:42 AM

Hi Arm, Mieke, North and Ron,
I am posting your comments below. The post was taken off yesterday because intent was devoted to blogs on Peace and mine was not focused on that. Not having been here I had no idea. I didnt realize that nor did my assistant who posted the blog for me while I was gone.
I reposted this today but have no idea how to move your comments, but I'm copying and pasting them below.
Thank you very much for your thoughts. For me the trip took on a new meaning when on my return journey the woman sitting next to mentioned she had rushed to India on the 9th of September because her 65 year old healthy and fit father had suddenly died of a heart attack. I felt very guilty even to say to her I went for dad's birthday when she asked why I had gone there. These things make you realize how important family ties are, and life is really about relationships in every walk of life.
Once again thank you for your comments which are given below. Mieke congrats!

"Welcome back, Kavita!! Your holiday sounds absolutely wonderful!! Congratulations to your new sister-in-law in the family, to your brother's new life as a husband. If he spoils his big sister with such attentive love; his new bride is one lucky woman!! I am one inch taller than your new sister-in-law!(5'1") lol

I hope you don't feel much jet-lag Kavita; and looking forward to Octobers issue!

Have you heard the news, that India has placed a ban on child labour? Isnt this wonderful news to come back to?

With loving kindness,
North"

"Kavita,

I have so missed your blogs. I did not find any other blogs interesting enough for me to sign up onto Typekey. I have also jsut recently arrived from a trip back to the home country and your memories strike a chord. Each and every sentiment you note down here are so true with me, that it almost feels like I sat down to write this piece. Even your comment about not getting a citizenship co-incides exactly with my feelings on the matter! Boy! This just makes me sigh and go back to that country...My nieces alreay are asking me when I will be returning...sigh....

Thank you for this blog, Kavita. Just reading it made my face light up with a big smile, imagining the scenarios you describe and being able to relate to them!
Arm"

"Dear Kavita,

I really loved reading your holiday story hereabove. Especially that last sentence: my home is where my heart is.

I love to share with you a great joy that has come into my life. Recently i have become a granny for the second time of a wonderful grandson. When i hold him in my arms i know where my home is, but when i read such stories as yours here on Intentblog then i know that a large part of my heart has found a home here too :)
Mieke"

"Welcome back, Kavita!

It sounds like you had a great deal of fun in India! Our most important asset (and legacy) in life is family! All else pale in comparison!

I am looking forward to your continued appearance on, and contribution to, this blog!

Regards...
Ron Saywack"

3. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on October 11, 2006 09:05 AM

Hello Kavita,
It is nice to read your post! I have missed you too.
'invisible threads of love' that bind you to your family, and deep love,
It is visible - I see it shining through in the very feelings and words you have written.
So much love!

Every moment that I can be home, near to my Dad and Mom, becomes precious. I will be home again in 2 weeks.
For Dad, where he is Now, I can only share a part, in stirrings of memories, of the young girl he raised. That he remembers best. Sometimes, he cannot say my name.
But when I look into his eyes, and I reach to him for a gentle embrace, He will know me.

With love,
~ Kate

4. Posted by Kate... on October 11, 2006 09:22 AM

Oh, Kavita. What a beautiful post.

I went through the whole spectrum of emotions.

I also had to laugh with sympathy: when I first moved to the U.S. from Italy, I would call my parents every day and I talked to my mother so much that often my monthly bill was around one thousand dollars.

You family sounds exceptionally warm and loving. You are all so lucky to have each other.

Thanks for the great time I had reading this.
Love,
Donatella

5. Posted by Donatella on October 11, 2006 09:34 AM

Hi Kavita, thanks for reposting our comments from yesterday! I am so glad you had a wonderful holiday with your family; for your Dad's birthday, and for your brother's wedding! It must have been absolutely dreamy, being home for such two great occassions!!

Your post to me, exhibited a great and wonderful peace of self and family; very warming.

Mieke, your grandson is so adorable!!

North

6. Posted by North on October 11, 2006 10:26 AM

Kavita,
I experienced the entire gamut of emotions and I was virtually there In India myself...
Thx for the blog

7. Posted by Naina on October 11, 2006 10:42 AM

Hi Kavita,

Thanks. The mere title of your post speaks of peace :)
Peace has more meanings than the one it is mostly referred to...

Hi North, yes he really is, but aren´t all babies?
:)

Love,

8. Posted by mieke on October 11, 2006 11:55 AM

Congratulations, Mieke.
Love,
Donatella

9. Posted by Donatella on October 11, 2006 12:08 PM

Very true Mieke; all babies are beautiful!! Babies remind us from example, just how fragile; and just how strong; we, as humans really are!

10. Posted by North on October 11, 2006 04:11 PM

Kavita:

Strange but I think my visit also coincided with your visit there in Delhi and Vaishno Devi (?)! My impressions of this visit were very similar to yours - things are a changing! Although I visit every year.. still this year was different. I was disappointed by Bangalore (my first visit) - it was at least a decade behind Delhi...

Here are my thoughts in more detail:

http://www.drishtikone.com/?q=node/3293

Welcome back..

Cheers,
Desh
drishtikone.com

11. Posted by Desh kapoor on October 11, 2006 07:33 PM

Hi Kavita,

Thanks for an entertaining blog. Your description of the wedding really conjured up the colorful images of an Indian wedding. An Indian wedding function, indeed, is a virtual treat for the eyes.

You must have the pictures. Can you post them on your e-magazine so that we can see and feast on them; unless of course you think they’re too personal to share?

Sanjeev

Hi Desh,

Welcome back. I missed your closing “Cheers, Desh, drishtikone.com”!

Why don’t you do a Weekly Intent on your India visit right here on Intentblog? Also, did you get those certificates back?

Sanjeev

12. Posted by klumsyklutz on October 11, 2006 10:08 PM

Thank you everyone. Sanjeev, I will post some pictures of the wedding. The ones taken by the official photographers still havent arrived, but I took a bunch and will post some from there on my e-magazine which will go live on 14th midnight.
Kate I was very moved by your thoughts on your father. I just know he knows you..soul connections remain when all else is lost...my prayers and loving thoughts are with you. Desh, I will read your account soon.I couldnt go to Vaishno devibut ended up at some very ancient temples in Jammu that I loved frequenting as a child. Funny how the majestic statues that looked gigantic to the child that I was now seemed so ordinary..ah the sad thing about growing up..so many fantasies are shattered! Donatella, Naina-thanks! Mieke what a sweet thought about the title of my blog. There is so much more to write about my visit. I just didnt want it to be an epic, but may be I will add more stuff on my weblog on the e-mag's new issue.
Thank you all!

13. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on October 12, 2006 01:40 AM

Thank you Donatella :)
And North, to confess: sometimes i wish that they could forever stay that way lol

14. Posted by mieke on October 12, 2006 02:45 AM

Hey Sanjeev:

Thanks a bunch! I didnt realize I had developed a "takia-kalam" :-)

Weekly Intent - sure if Mallika is game I could do that.

Unfortunately, I didnt have enough time for getting the certificates so I couldnt get them.. but I will start work on them from here itself. Actually, they are in the bank locker somewhere which I am trying to get access to.. so lets see. Thanks so much for your help!

Cheers,
Desh
drishtikone.com

15. Posted by Desh kapoor on October 12, 2006 04:03 AM

Hi Kavita - glad to hear that you had such a great time. Guess there is lots to write about the wedding too?

16. Posted by ichatteralot on October 12, 2006 05:08 AM

Dearest Kate, i thought about your post quite some time.

My father is dead for a long time already but my mother still lives but suffers from severe dementia. Although she does not recognize me anymore her eyes always lift up when i come to visit her, so deep inside she still knows me :)

Hereunder the beautiful lyrics my father sent me today from heaven:

SHE (Charles Aznavour)

She
May be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred tearful things
Within the measure of the day.

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside a shell

She who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She may be the love that can and hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and where for I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and rainy years
Me I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I got to be
The meaning of my life is

She, she, she

Much love

17. Posted by mieke on October 12, 2006 06:23 AM

"For Dad, where he is Now, I can only share a part, in stirrings of memories, of the young girl he raised. That he remembers best. Sometimes, he cannot say my name.
But when I look into his eyes, and I reach to him for a gentle embrace, He will know me."
With love,
~ Kate

Dear Kate,
You are a very fortunate woman -- although I understand that it may not be easy to see your dad like that -- you have his love. That's forever.
Love,
Donatella

18. Posted by Donatella on October 12, 2006 07:34 AM

Kate:

The sentiments you shared about your Dad resonate so much to mine (for my visit this time to India) with regards to my Mom. She is in a late stage of Alzheimers.

Her eyes can see.. her heart can feel but her mind and tongue has failed her. She knows I am her son.. she knows her son is Desh but not that I am that name. Strange are the ways of mind and nature!

Cheers,
Desh
Drishtikone.com

19. Posted by Desh kapoor on October 12, 2006 08:26 AM

Kavita,

A great blog after a very long time.Please do post some pictures.

Desh,
welcome back i was wondering where you were...

Sanjeev,
I assume you live in delhi if you've time please watch Bant sigh can sing...I have posted the details on previous open thread..

Kate,
It was lovely what you wrote...beautifull.

Mieke,
I was taking care of an old woman with hip fracture with a dignosis of dementia/alzheimers...The lady was of polish origin and she thought i was her youngest daughter.During my shift i watered her plants ,fed her cats,baked a pot roast...and got yelled at because i'm not learning polish.It was a very heart warming experience.Her youngest daughter called me and i told her what had happened through out the day.Her daughter started crying because her mom doesn't remember her at all.I held her hand and said... "you were with her today..."

20. Posted by Andaleeb on October 12, 2006 09:29 AM

Dear Andaleeb,

Having tears in my eyes right now.
Thanks a lot.

21. Posted by mieke on October 12, 2006 12:00 PM

When I were 18, I worked as a nurse's aide. I worked with dementia residents, and residents, just old, and cannot care for themselves.

The one's with dementia touched my life deeply, as hey were in a world of their own. There were so many. Some, were immigrant elderly, who lost their ability to speak english.

Mieke and Kate, your posts resonate with love for your parents, as Kavita's has...

Odd, how one day, we are parenting our parents in many ways.... as I do my Mom in many ways...housekeeping, billpaying, etc...visits, shopping; spending time together. I cherish every moment.

Kate, enjoy your holiday with your parents!! Your Dad may not be able to say your name, but he will indeed, "know" your hug. You too Mieke : )

Love, North

22. Posted by North on October 12, 2006 08:20 PM

Dear Kavita, I've just had the pleasure of re-reading your weblog, on this post in Octobers issue, and it was amazing, how I was taken with you, in your recapturing moments of your holiday!

Nice to see pics with this story there at your magazine; the one of your parents, and the kids, the bride and groom.

My fave pic is the one of your brother-groom, shirtless, being covered in goo--the joy, happiness in his face.... priceless! Very handsome man!

4000 people at the reception!! wow!

23. Posted by North on October 15, 2006 09:49 AM

Hi North,
thank you..right now we have been having some technical glitches so the pictures are not fully loaded..I hope we will do that soon..the other picture is not of my parents but my uncle and aunt..my uncle is right now in the hospital recovering from something that could have been fatal had it not been diagnosed in time. My aunt is my mom's younger sister and her love story with my uncle is what dreams are made of. My uncle is my hero in many ways-he is one of the most gifted, selfless men I know. There is no one quite like him in our family. I will write about him some day. Right now we are all praying that he recovers-he is barely 60..but very sick right now

24. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on October 15, 2006 12:55 PM

Dear Kavita, so very sorry to hear of your Uncles health scare!! I will be praying with you and your family, for his complete recovery and healing.

You are/were so very fortunate, to have been surrounded with such pure love all of your life Kavita. I've had quite the opposite, so I DO love reading such happy true stories, thankyou for sharing with us!

25. Posted by North on October 15, 2006 01:35 PM

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Camus

Dear Kavita,

Good to read your india visit log. Could relate very closely to this post, I rememeber those walks along the TRC, down to the coffee house and the watching the setting sun over the tawi river. I was a refugee myself, a struggling student and at times a poet too...

cheers
-rakesh mawa

26. Posted by RAKESH MAWA on October 15, 2006 06:17 PM

Thank you for that quote from Camus Rakesh. I studied him a lot in college and had forgotten how brilliant a writer he is.
I hope I will see more of your writings soon. I enjoyed reading all your stuff.
North, my uncle is finally out of the woods after a week in ICU-he should be home in a couple of days. Thank you for your good wishes.
Kavita

27. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on October 16, 2006 04:35 AM

Kavita, that's great to hear!! I am so glad he's out of the woods!! Continued prayers for his complete recovery....

28. Posted by North on October 16, 2006 08:11 AM

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