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Kavita Chhibber - February 21, 2007

The Shame of Female Infanticide

I was told that the day I was born, the midwife blurted out-“Oh No it’s a girl. Now I won’t get the same amount in baksheesh (tip) as I would have, had this been a boy.” My irate grandmother not only gave her much more than what she would have ever got for the birth of a boy, my grandparents threw a grand party in celebration to welcome my arrival. Growing up if I saw any bias, in my family, it was more against the innumerable boys in our clan. The girls were always more pampered, more cherished. I remember mom telling me that dad would sit there for hours gazing at me and thinking how perfect I was.

I realized, soon enough however, that while the girl child may be a prized commodity in my clan, she was fairly disposable and discriminated against in other families. I heard stories of people producing kids with little care for the woman’s well being until she gave the family the much wanted male child. I heard stories of people marrying a second time if the first wife failed to produce a son. I know of several families in different age groups who have had a large number of children-just to produce a son. Often that cherished son would then be burdened with not only marrying off his 6-7 sisters but also to pay off debts and take care of his parents in their old age.

I remember a friend who married the oldest son from a huge business joint family, being told by her mother in law, when she was pregnant for the first time-If you don’t produce a son don’t come back-if you do I will give you the choicest diamond necklace. Alka, my friend went on to have three daughters and I saw her totally stressed out each time. Luckily her husband put his mother in her place and told her to back off –otherwise my friend would have spent the rest of her life, feeling like an outcast and an incomplete woman.

I also remember another friend telling me how amused she was because each time people ask her how many kids she has and she says 2 girls and a boy, they promptly presume her son is the youngest and much tried for addition after 2 girls, when he is the middle child. They look disbelievingly when she tells them she tried a third time because she always wanted two girls.

I’ve seen sons who adore their mothers and sisters disappointed when they have daughters-a close guy friend actually burst into tears when he found out his first born was a daughter. Another man had a heart attack and died according to news reports when he found out his wife had had a girl.

Another friend said that when she tells people she has two daughters, they will ask-No son? Maybe you should try for one-you are still very young. Some other friends tell me growing up they always saw their parents being a tad more partial towards their brothers.
While this obsession for male children is rampant in the South Asian, Asian and Muslim cultures, I see the same desire in other cultures as well. The only difference is that I don’t see, say Americans bemoaning the lack of a son if they end up with two girls. I do see the smug expression on the faces of women across all cultures, if they have sons a lot of the times.

In September when I went to India the first news item that caught my eye in flight from Delhi to Jammu was about a well of aborted female fetuses being found in Punjab. The article also said that the obsession for a male child ran high amongst the affluent, highly educated lot and a lot of abortions took place in this very group. The ratios are so lopsided now because of all these abortions. According to latest statistics, the three northern Indian states — Punjab, Haryana and Delhi — have one of the most skewed male-female ratios in the country, with Punjab having only 874 females for 1,000 men.

To add to this, is the news about this new US-patented gender testing kit, available over the Internet. It enables sex-determination as early as five weeks after conception. The kit in trial for 14 years is right now only available in the US, but concern is already there about the repercussions if it enters India.

Two days ago I read this news headline which said “"Don't kill your daughter. The government will raise her." Alarmed by a declining sex ratio due to female feticide, the government has an offer to make to parents who extinguish a new life - a palna or ‘cradle’ scheme in districts under which girl children can be left to the care of official agencies.

The government seems to feel that such a scheme—bound to attract its share of critics is a way to check an inhuman trend. The scheme, to be implemented by the ministry of women and child development in coordination with state governments, is likely to be put in place during the 11th five-year plan as part of measures to fight the menace of female foeticide. “

My friend Robin Raina who runs a charity foundation for underprivileged children and women has made it mandatory in one his projects in Bombay that if they have to accept one child from each family to educate it will be a girl child, because he too believes that by educating the girl child you will educate an entire family.

In all this the one thing that stands out in my mind is the fact that a lot of this is happening because of women themselves allowing it to happen. Often a girl is brainwashed from infancy that she in inferior to boys, and when she becomes a mother, she allows the atrocity of having her body violated to end the life of an unwanted girl child, because another woman- a mother-in law continues the tradition- of pressuring her daughter in law for a grandson. I haven’t seen too many aunties or grandmas telling their daughters-in laws-“May you be the mother of many daughters, or May you be blessed with a daughter”.

I translated this poem written originally in Hindi by activist, writer and actress Rita Jitendra who I interviewed in India this time and whose work is featured in my online mag this month. In it the aborted girl child addresses her mother and asks some questions. I hope every woman who reads this thinks hard about the questions, and every man who reads this makes a promise to cherish the gender that is responsible for his birth in the world in the first place.

Mother why did I not take birth?
Why was I given death before I could embrace life?
Say Something O mother say something

Why did the world not hear my life’s cry
It did not want to welcome me in its midst
It taught you to shun me
And denied me your lap to rest
Why did you let it happen?
Say something O mother, say something

Pressed against your bosom.
I would have blossomed day and night
I would have filled your embrace with my being
But I was denied even a corner of your heart
Say something, O mother, say something

I would have enchanted you with my first smile,
Cut my teeth on that enchantment
Frolicked and taken my first steps with you giving chase
And full of mischief, taken flight just out of your reach.
All that was meant to be, was lost to eternity
Say something O mother, say something

Your daughter would have gone to school,
Her hands holding the books to knowledge
I would have been your pride
My father and brother would have been so awed
To see me win accolades
Why was it not so, say something O mother?

I would have accomplished so much
Created my own unique persona
Epitomizing true womanhood
Why was that not allowed to be?
Say something O mother, say something

You would have held your head high with pride
I would have been the shining star
The talk of the town
And the world would have honored womanhood
And rejoiced at the birth of each girl child
But it is lost, the opportunity was lost by you
Say something O mother, say something

And if for a moment I did not shine
My love for you and yours for me
Would have been a tie so pure
But you used your own hands to cut off your nose
Does anyone ever sin like this?

Why did you rip this beautiful dream child
From your womb?
If the poison of societal norms continues
To course through life
Where will they ever find a mother
To give birth to the sons they covet?
Enough is enough
Awake O mother,
Awake O mother.

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Posted by Kavita Chhibber at February 21, 2007 02:41 PM

Comments

Dear Kavita

Thanks for a great article.

Embryo abortion is not as horrible as killing a new-born infant that is fully sentient. Given only a choice between infanticide and gender selection-related early abortions, the latter is a better option. It may be that at the moment, these are the only choices.

Rita Jitendra's poem is very moving.

love, Heath

1. Posted by hgquinn on February 21, 2007 04:23 PM

Two years back a little girl was still born; I wrote her this letter

dear child...

they said you would see the light on September 3rd..

September 3rd passed and so did the 4th, and the 5th.. On September 6th your mother was in pain and everyone thought the day had come for you to land in this world..

your family had waited for you, your mama had carried you with love and great dignity, your papa never showed his feelings but believe me he wanted you so much, your little sister waited for her baby.. and your aunt did everything she could to make your entry into this world the best posible.. and there were many of us who already loved you...

I must confess that many wanted you to be a boy... some said it loud and clear, others in muted ways.. to many, little girls are a burden... in a society where there is less and less respect for women people have forgotten that we women are the life bearers... some of us wanted you to be a girl, your mama for one, maybe she knew you were just that...

You grew up inside your mama's womb and met all the appointments with the doctor who pronounced you fit and healthy.. then child what made you decide not to keep your tryst with our world, what is it that led you to give up life itself... without even 'tasting' it..

Maybe we forget that from the comfort and safety of ones' mother's womb, a child sees and hears and understands.. perhaps it is what you saw that made you refuse life itself.. the lack of respect for each other, the fights, the anger, the unfairness, the tears, ... and quite frankly child, somewhere I understand you... maybe you heard even those who wanted you to be a girl say that they wished you were a boy finding all kind of reasons to explain that...they forgot that it is nature who decides, nature that has to make up for all the little girls that were done away with... and you too were a little girl, nothing could change that..

Perhaps you also knew that the moment you would enter our world, you would lose your independance and freedom to decide, and that you would have to abide by laws made by a society ruled by men and that your life would never be your own...

Who are you: a statistic in the records of the hospital, a pain in the heart of many that will slowly fade away, a regret, a topic of discussions with its share of 'ifs' and 'buts'... I do not know..

To me you are the little girl who refused to be born in a world that she felt was not worthy of her... a child who took her one and only independant decision..

And we abide by it...

Bless you, wherever you are...

Kiran's little sister, Rani's little niece was still born on September 6th 2005...

when will we learn

2. Posted by anouradha on February 21, 2007 04:44 PM

Hi Kavita,

This is really worst scenario.
It is worse than World War.
It is not not understandable why people in some places are shocked to hear if a person does not have a male child.
There should be no discrimination, not only against a girl or a boy, but anything which is natural.

Nature is god and natural process should not be discriminated.

Whatever you have described above is real.
People from some regions and some places are not ready to change for good.

I whole heartedly pray to god to change the outlook of people for the betterment of their own families, region, state, country, world, universe, cosmos and unknown.

Rajesh

3. Posted by Rajesh Sharma on February 21, 2007 07:04 PM

Hi Kavita,
I remember my father in law calling me up 5 times a day when i was pregnant telling me "it better be a boy"..."I'm waiting for my grandson"..."I hope its a boy" etc etc. I remember at that stage being so upset-especially because I had already indicated to him that I was having a girl-i refused to take his calls & eventually took my daughter when she was born to meet him with great reluctance.
But this prejudice stems entirely from conditioning born out of ignorance-we must understand that & be empathetic to it & work a way around it to spread enlightenment and tolerance. I am still struggling, but the best way i know at the current moment is to revel in being a woman, love and nurture and respect the woman in me and pass that on to my daughter and every other female i come into contact with.

4. Posted by Suchitra on February 21, 2007 07:43 PM

Is India the no:1 in female infanticide?? For the sake of money, they kill females over males? I've heard lot of stories about the dark side of the feminine Spiritual country India. Shocking but real.

5. Posted by amanda on February 21, 2007 07:52 PM

Dear Kavita,

All that you say is as depressing as it is unfortunately true and familiar.

However, after a long time, I had a good feeling when I read the headlines about the govt. plans for adopting unwanted girls. I know there will be much doubting and scepticism about how this will all be an eyewash, inept and inefficient like anything the govt touches.

Whatever, for once I want to applaud this administration for being humane and at least wanting to do the right thing.

6. Posted by Dara on February 21, 2007 09:51 PM

Hi Kavita,
Nice to se you among the posts, after a long time, as you write about this heart wrenching incident, the place of my residence (Chandigarh) saw spate of incidents of child abandoned to die in this merciless weather, most of the abandoned children were females one happened right behind my office , a child was dumped in the garbbage dump and unfortunately didn't survive it.

But lets hope for a better and more compassionate society.
Lets keep the faith fledging..

7. Posted by ispita on February 22, 2007 02:15 AM

Thank you everyone.

Heather your comment reminded me of a close friend of mine in India who is a obstetrician and she has done many abortions. She herself has two daughters and tells me that while it really hurts her to perform these abortions, she does them because she can see that the child will not be cared for. I guess for me its just hard to accept that people would think like that. Earlier on atleast in India people would want sons because in rural areas they would work on the lands, and in joint families they needed the males to take care of the clan by earning a living together. Now I hardly see any sons living with their parents and in spite of more and more girls going in for higher education, gender equality and even equal pay are gaps that still need to be bridged.

Anou, your post brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful letter, and every word resonated.
Amanda I did check on the internet and it seems female infanticide is rampant in many impoverished countries, but India is right up there. Rajesh and Dara thanks for being the only two men to have the courage to respond to this post.
If its a man's world then the onus falls on men too, to stop this trend.
Suchitra, what a truly remarkable way of turning the negative into positive-more power to women like you.
Hi Ispita, the case in Chandigrah isnt an isolated one. I was I think initially stunned that the Sikh community would have such a serious gender bias when Sikhism preaches gender equality(they even have unisex names)more loudly and empahtically than any other religion I know.

8. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on February 22, 2007 07:51 AM

Hi Kavita,

Thanks for your acknowledgement.

What i have seen is that daughter's are having better relationship with their parents than son's.

The difficulties daughter's face if they are not economically independent.

The coming generation woman will be economically independent.

There is this gender bias, I personally have never liked it. I am against this gender bias.

Rajesh Sharma

9. Posted by Rajesh Sharma on February 22, 2007 08:56 AM

Hello Kavita,

Very refreshing post and after a very long time.I do miss your posts....

10. Posted by Andaleeb on February 23, 2007 10:00 AM

Anou--heart-wrenching letter!! I could sense your anquish in your words.

Kavita--absolutely horrible way of life to be. What will men do, when there are no more women?

Unfortunately, here in Canada; my two brothers were treated like kings at home; and us three girls, like slaves. The boys had not one responsibility. I grew up by age ten-twelve. My brothers both became alcoholics, and us girls grew up never feeling wanted, loved or worthy of being alive....

so sad, that mothers prefer sons.

11. Posted by North on February 23, 2007 06:22 PM

Dear Kavita, I was thinking of this post, and I was wondering something?

In days of infancy of any/all country, nation, town, village; there were probably off and on generations of imbalance gender to gender.

I know, through stories and movies; that the western world's men; in isolated gold mining camps and the like, would choose mail-order brides.

Do you suppose Kavita; a reversal could happen, should this female infanticide continue; invoking men, to choose a mail-order bride from other villages, cities?

12. Posted by North on February 24, 2007 06:30 PM

Thanks Andaleeb, Rajesh and North.
North there isnt a concept of as mail order brides per se, but yes people are either going outside their villages to marry-something many villages didnt do earlier, or the one good thing that hashappened is that in some villages in Gujarat, there are many men who are marrying young widows with kids since they dont want to marry outside their village or community, according to some reports that I read recently.

13. Posted by Kavita Chhibber on February 26, 2007 09:58 AM

Thanks Kavita for your acknowledgement.

With lots of love
Rajesh Sharma

14. Posted by Rajesh Sharma on February 26, 2007 10:31 AM

Dear Kavita, thankyou for your response to my Q.

I am glad to know, men are now marrying widows from their own village/community!! Here in Canada; widows are treated with utmost respect.. it is nice to see India embrace their widows with re-marriage offerings!!

After watching Deepa Metha's "Water" I was so shocked to learn widows were isolated, impoverished, and used/abused...

with loving kindness,
North

15. Posted by North on February 26, 2007 12:54 PM

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