To The White Bitch Who Stole My Shorts : IntentBlog

intent is the emerging asian consciousness giving birth to a global mind shift

Featured Posts

To The White Bitch Who Stole My Shorts

Rahul Khanna - March 13, 2007

Dear WB,

As you are well aware, at this time each year, I check out of my apartment in the city and check into a cottage on the secluded beach you live on. For the next few weeks, this remote stretch of coastline becomes my base and the languid days filled with swimming, reading and feasting on fresh seafood and wild rice revitalize and rejuvenate both my body and soul.

This year, however, I find myself uneasy, perplexed and, dare I say it, stressed out.

And you’re to blame.

I’ve seen you off and on over the last few years and, although you’ve kept to yourself, I’ve always acknowledged you with a polite smile or wave when our paths cross. This time it’s different.

For one, I notice you now have a young son but no mate in sight. So, I presume, there’s a broken relationship there.

But, other than the apparent, I sense a new vibe between us. Every time I walk onto the beach, you sit up and take notice but you never come over to say hello. You timidly approach my towel while I’m body-surfing in the ocean but you immediately scurry away when you see me emerging.

Hey, you’re beautiful and I’d like to get to know you better. And, although, calling you over with a loud whistle may not have been the best move, even gently motioning you over sends you skipping off in the opposite direction.

I would have left it at that but you are clearly vibing me. I see you shyly checking me out from your sand dune as I watch the dolphins frolic on the horizon every morning. And we both love watching the indigenous white-breasted Brahminy kites glide through the sky (although I see you glare disapprovingly at me when my eyes wander to the migratory pale-breasted Europeans sashaying down the beach.)

A couple of times, when I’ve been out for my sunset run, you grabbed one of my flip-flops that I’d left on the dune and ran off. Initially, I thought it was your playful way of breaking the ice so I cheerfully ran after you in the hope of finally making contact but, after an exhausting chase, you just dropped the slipper and ran away leaving me panting and bemused.

But now you’ve gone too far. When I woke up this morning, my swim shorts that were drying on the clothes rack outside my cottage were gone. Don’t try and deny it, I know it was you. The prints on the sand are distinctly yours. I really don’t know what to make of this. I’m getting such mixed signals. On one hand you’re constantly making eye contact and checking me out but you never want to meet. Then you run off with my slippers and now my shorts.

Are you into me and just really bad at expressing your feelings? Or are you peeved at all males because you were knocked up and abandoned and I’m the most convenient one to take all your frustrations out on? Or, is it a racist thing considering you’re so pure white and, after 2 weeks in the sun, I’m the colour of coal.

Like all men, I’ve never really been able to completely understand females; but you, in particular, have got me completely befuddled. Why are you playing these games?

We could be having such a good time together. I’m a lot of fun. I love to play throw and fetch the stick, I’m not afraid to get down and dirty -- I can roughhouse with the best of them and no one gives belly rubs like I do. Just ask your other friends on the beach who, no matter how late I’m running for my morning yoga class, won’t let me pass until I put in some quality throwing and rubbing.

Please stop messing with my head. We could really have something special.

Yours,

The bare-assed guy in the blue cottage

White Bitch.jpg

Digg this entry Add to Del.icio.us Share on Facebook Subscribe

Posted by Rahul Khanna at March 13, 2007 10:41 AM

Comments

cute
:-)

1. Posted by swag on March 13, 2007 10:59 AM

lol

I am still laughting at the title of your post.

;.)

2. Posted by Jean-Francois on March 13, 2007 10:59 AM

Daeer Rahul

This is so tender and funny, thank you! Her stealing your flipflop was a sure sign of love. Unfortunately, there are clear language barriers, because you didn't know that giving chase told her you were into games-playing, and you weren't serious. She is quite serious, and she had second thoughts, assuming that you were shallow or she'd been warned off, or both. Fortunately, real love runs under the radar of convention and expectation. Thus, her next move was as fated as it was blatant in its message. You're a very lucky man. Don't chase her or make noise, just smile at her sideways and open your heart to her. Sooner or later, the tunnel of connection will open for the two of you at the same moment, and she will approach. When she does, please be sure to offer her goodies, and let her touch you before you touch her. When your heart is gently open to her, she will know it. By the way, it's kinder to limit yourself to long-distance flirtation, if you're not ready to work slowly and consistently to make her yours when she does finally approach you. A broken-hearted daughter of God is not something you want to add to your karmic list.

love, Heath

3. Posted by hgquinn on March 13, 2007 11:02 AM

Dear Rahul... it is so nice to see you back at IB.. it's been a long time; and as per usual; your wit and humour, had me rolling with laughter and delicious giggles...

Ooh, how I wish I were "her!"(giggly fan drool.)

with loving kindness,
North

4. Posted by North on March 13, 2007 11:06 AM

lol
women..

love, passion
lol

5. Posted by marek dariusz podsiadlo on March 13, 2007 11:28 AM

I can find no indication that you are not actually talking about a dog, though it would be odd for a dog to have only one pup.

Great writing.

6. Posted by Tapestry on March 13, 2007 11:50 AM

Your Brother Akshaye is much much more charismatic than you. He has the body of a man like his father. I don't think the women here have seen him.

7. Posted by amanda on March 13, 2007 12:12 PM

Wow! You can write (too)! I never knew... Re: shorts - anguish indeed, although, skinny-dipping can be fun and tan lines are so yesterday... Wish I was on that beach (i'm in the west of Ireland - definitely more bog than beach!), sans bottoms and bare-bellied with the hope of a rub! Re: WB - shorts chura liya, dil nahin! Trust you will stay indoors more given absence of shorts - perfect - you can write more! With (p)anticipation, Tunta

8. Posted by Tuntacious on March 13, 2007 12:20 PM

This post was so harliously funny, I could not stop laughing. Thanks Rahul! ... I needed a good smile for the day. Love, Char

9. Posted by Char4 on March 13, 2007 01:51 PM

Amanda, did you steal Rahul's shorts?

10. Posted by Chantica on March 13, 2007 02:04 PM

Amanda, did you steal Rahul's shorts?

11. Posted by Chantica on March 13, 2007 02:05 PM

Chantica: Why would I do that? He's talking about a white bitch dog there. You're mad chantica.

12. Posted by amanda on March 13, 2007 02:22 PM

Hi Rahul,

If you are not talking about a female stray dog and her male pup, may I humbly suggest you quickly get a female companion to join you down there at your beach house, and relieve the some of that stress that seems to be building up to a vacation ruining level.

Kind Regards,
Stan

13. Posted by stan on March 13, 2007 04:48 PM

An interesting piece to read,
though I find the heading a bit offensive.
And I fully endorse Stan's viewpoint :)

14. Posted by ispita on March 14, 2007 11:01 PM

You are hilarious. Hope to find you here more often.

Meanwhile, wish you all the best making friends and recovering your shorts. From my experience, cheese and chicken can do the trick. Good luck!

15. Posted by jasleen on March 15, 2007 11:59 PM

is it really a bitch or......:-)...nice one..by the way wat part of india wer u in exactly wen u wrote this n have u read the poem i wrote for u in ur last blog 'blessed'....how do u find it..good,bad or watever..atleast lemme know...i promise i won't write again....lol

16. Posted by sonam on March 16, 2007 07:02 AM

17. Posted by sonam on March 16, 2007 07:04 AM

Why did the White bitch steal you shorts Rahul? Oh, I tell you these white bitches can steal your shorts, they can bit you back even after you are nice to them, do all obnoxious things, especially when they are in heat. Beware of these white bitches. Get a brown one. Golden retriever maybe. LOL!

18. Posted by Innocentvictim on March 16, 2007 03:50 PM

So, Kavita managed to cajole you into writing again? Funny piece...like the analogy.. :-). You're a very good writer.

19. Posted by Kamini on March 18, 2007 11:08 PM

may be she just kleptmaniac Rahul....pls get a grip, dont fall for kleptomaniacs!!!

20. Posted by AleidaMarch on March 19, 2007 02:18 AM

hah hah hah.....

and might i add another Hah!

hilarious... may be not a real metaphor for the sketch & thought(experience) process... but LOL in caps....

keep writing....

be well

techd

21. Posted by TechD on March 19, 2007 02:59 AM

hi rahul. loved your posts. any new movies on the anvil

22. Posted by happygoluckyhollygolightly on March 20, 2007 04:10 PM

keep writing more, rahul. can't wait to read some of your new posts.

23. Posted by happygoluckyhollygolightly on March 20, 2007 05:40 PM

Just discovered this site recently. I was always prejudiced abt this whole bloggingmania and believed that all blogs are more of personal grievances than sharing of thoughts! And then i came across the blogs written by you and it had me in splits! Now i've been logging on everyday to check for the sequel to this story of urs! Its amazing that not only u but most of the other bloggers on this site too have written some brilliant stuff but by far ur blogs take the cake for dramatising an everyday situation (reminds me of ur battle with the cockroach). Cheers!

24. Posted by tanuravi on March 21, 2007 10:22 PM

25. Posted by tanuravi on March 21, 2007 10:23 PM

Hi everyone...
Sharing with you all an article i recently wrote and which got selected for the May issue in a mag that claims to be the woman's bible in our country...Thought i would share it with you all...Sorry Rahul...I'm new to this blogging thing and i didnt know where else to share...

“When you’re in love with a married man you shouldn’t wear mascara.” Famous words from a not-so- famous movie “The Apartment.” Is this my story here or that of many a girl in a our own city of blinding lights- Mumbai?

As all stories are, this one also started way back a couple of years ago where coincidence and destiny made me make that inevitable call to a stranger out of the blue on the pretext of work. Something struck a chord and little did we realize the wondrous ways of coincidence would throw us together again a year down the line and that too take our relationship to unfathomable heights.

An ambitious 20 something girl from a small town still with stars in her eyes and a 30 something suave charming “married” man who had stopped seeing stars a long time back.

Thrown into circumstances of their own making they discovered what they both had been looking for all this while. Little did they realize that it was inevitable for them to meet and discover each other in all the wondrous ways possible. Each battling with the demons of their past and each day sharing the miracle of having found their other half. All the elements of the universe seemed to be on their side till the reality and the impossibility of the situation started nagging them both. Little arguments, irrelevant doubts all started playing havoc in their minds and of course it’s no surprise for you all to know that the short-lived haven was destroyed in an even shorter time. The wrath of the angels descended on them and shook the very foundations of their truth.

As the angels in hell were making merry celebrating the death of yet another conscience and slowly leading one to a slow death, the angel of mercy descended.

I believe that I deserved the first “R” in any relationship- “Respect”. But apart from this one elusive “R” I have been handed every other “R”- Rejection, rebuff, refusal in every possible way.

That brings us to the reason why today these words have found life on this paper. There were two roads as always. Mop around, go on endless food binges, look like death and die a little death each day or give in to schizophrenia and put up a brave new face for the world and pretend it never happened to me and pray the nightmare would end soon.

We all are borderline schizophrenics right from our birth where our survival depends solely on our skills of camouflaging. This is the truth of our existence. As we create experiences we master the art of wearing a different face for each occasion and in front of each specimen of mankind. We stop being what we were meant to be. The reason for our existence is no longer living one day at a time but is replaced by the burden of carrying a baggage from the past into the future where we are wont to accumulate some more.

My ex guy “R” recently summed up the solution for me when he asked me “To wake up and smell the coffee”…Given the hopeless mistress of cynicism that I am I would like to sum it up as “…the sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.” So here I pack my bags and discover another “R” for myself- Run… Here I am running away. Yet I’m running away to find my place under the sun before I’m any shorter of breaths and a few days closer to death.

26. Posted by tanuravi on March 21, 2007 10:47 PM

An ambitious 20 something girl from a small town still with stars in her eyes and a 30 something suave charming “married” man who had stopped seeing stars a long time back.

As the angels in hell were making merry celebrating the death of yet another conscience and slowly leading one to a slow death, the angel of mercy descended.

27. Posted by tanuravi on March 21, 2007 10:48 PM

Hilarious:)!!
Oh and by the way, do check out http://quirky-stuff.blogspot.com...humour blog!

28. Posted by hs on March 27, 2007 08:07 PM

Proper naming is important.

I recommend "thief" rather than "white bitch" and "single mother" rather than "knocked up and abandoned."

Using poorly chosen words to describe an offensive person can reflect poorly on the writer.

A direct approach with this woman might be beneficial.

Walking up to her and informing her that someone in the neighborhood has been stealing flip flops and shorts would probably cause her shame and make her stop.

In the meantime, maybe you can find your things on eBay.

29. Posted by heddy on April 7, 2007 05:54 PM

Hilarious! She sounds like a weirdo to be honest.Must give us an update of your progress on this :-)

30. Posted by faz on April 15, 2007 06:43 AM

Many years ago I wrote a friend in NY about a girl on the beach and her fun in the sand. And he replied, you should keep on writing.
Not much has changed since then, dogs and bitches still on the beach. And I still write on.

31. Posted by Sobia on April 19, 2007 08:06 PM

haha! brilliant brilliant post.. :D

32. Posted by Reema on May 4, 2007 01:33 AM

add a couple of more "brilliant"s to the above comment :D

loved this post .. why dont you blog more often yaar?? nothing more satisfying than writing in this world!

you are really good!! I'd love to read more pieces written by you! :) Hope you don't dissapoint some of us crazy bloggers ;)

33. Posted by hxc?lqd on May 6, 2007 04:26 AM

omigosh....hilarious!!!!!um...btw was jus wonderin whats this place u visit like evry year?!i guess u cud hv more companions than that one "white bitch"hu stole ur shorts!!lol...

34. Posted by Aparna on August 14, 2007 08:15 PM

awesummm rahul...u've alwayz been a charmer..i read bout dis syt today morning in brunch,juss logged in fr d frst tym here,check'd out a list of d bloggers,went on to ur name,saw d titles of ur blogs,selected dis one,read it n.........WAS IN SPLITS..!!..grt goin..although im new here,m gonno be a regular hence....lol...all d best !

35. Posted by baani on November 11, 2007 09:05 AM

hmm..minute observations . this (love) letter was really touching . newspapers reported your blog to be funny and impressive . fine . i agree with them . but the WB too should be given her share of credit . unique inspiration, unique write .

36. Posted by scarlet on November 11, 2007 09:32 AM

Thank you, Baani and Scarlet!

37. Posted by Rahul Khanna on November 13, 2007 09:51 AM

So Mr. contributor dude how nice, you interact with your patron fans, lets see if your a big boy or not...hmmmm I wanda if that sounds offensive, never mind, just offensive enough..
Yes,yes! lets see if I can piss you off, just a little, not a rerun of your last episode of meanness!
You should know I got your game! The sexy buff young stud!, save it brotha your to hot for your own britches!

Hehe that was fun!
Anywho I must now get back to my HUGE bowl of Macncheese, and spongebob.

Love

38. Posted by Tammy on November 13, 2007 10:42 AM

lolzzz..this was just so witty
great symbolism ;)
loved the way you blend humour with the subtle background of the description of beauty of life on the beach
the fresh sea food..relaxed air..frolicking dolphins and brahminy kites..
beautiful..
your writing has the marks of a professional..engaging and entertaining and so fresh

and yes you come across as someone who loves dogs and is loved just as arduously in return..well, same here :D

and err..i am a blogger too..my posts are nothing to what you write..but i shall be obliged if you could visit it sometime
http://exuberance-umang.blogspot.com/
take care and keep blogging
#umang# :)

39. Posted by umangexuberance on November 17, 2007 03:48 AM

and yes you come across as someone who loves dogs and is loved just as arduously in return..well, same here :D

and err..i am a blogger too..my posts are nothing to what you write..but i shall be obliged if you could visit it sometime
http://exuberance-umang.blogspot.com/
take care and keep blogging
#umang# :)

40. Posted by umangexuberance on November 17, 2007 05:21 AM

wowww...haha...this was humorous...y dont u act in comic movies..i m sure u wld b just to the character!

41. Posted by Global Villager on June 23, 2008 03:13 AM

Post a comment

Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)

Thanks for signing in, . Now you can comment. (sign out)

(If you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved by the site owner before your comment will appear. Until then, it won't appear on the entry. Thanks for waiting.)

Featured Posts

To The White Bitch Who Stole My Shorts

Comments

Post a comment

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Categories