How DO Boys Become Doofus Daddys?
Joe Kelly - July 16, 2007
With some regularity, I read opinion pieces bemoaning the fact that popular culture and media regularly portray Dad as Doofus (if that's the correct spelling....I'm a spelling Doofus). Of course, every parent has moments when she or he feels like an idiot and our kids usually feel free to tell us when we’re acting like one).
But those who complain about the problematic portrayal of fathers usually overlook the most obvious root of this serious familial and social problem: the ways we raise boys.
Our society doesn’t invest nearly as much time and attention preparing boys to become fathers as it does preparing girls to become mothers. A compelling reflection of this phenomenon—one that demonstrates how much (or, more accurately, how little) our society tends to value fathers--is the number of family skills merit badges offered by the Boy Scouts of America and the Girls Scout of the USA.
In the Girls Scouts, young women have earned merit badges in child care, cooking, and home health since 1913. In ensuing years, GSUSA created badges in Family Living Skills, Food Power, Healthy Relationships, Consumer Power, Toymaker, Fabric Arts, and “Food, Fibers, and Farming.”
In the Boy Scouts, the only comparable merit badges young men can earn are: Family Life, Cooking, and Textiles. The number of Boy Scouts earning a Family Life badge is less than half the number earning Woodworking, Archery, Fingerprinting, and any of 35 other merit badges.
This is not to bash Scouts; indeed, the thousands of Boy Scouts with Family Life badges are better off than most young men. The point is, the merit badge disparity reflects how few boys in our culture get hands-on training in child-rearing, especially infant care.
When you were a boy, did you babysit anywhere near as often as your sisters? Did you learn to change diapers? If you did, the odds are slim that your father was the one who taught you.
We dads learn a lot about fathering from our father and/or stepfather’s example, even if it was a bad one. But how much did Dad ever say about how to be a father, or about how his life was enriched by having you as his son?
This father silence is important to acknowledge and change. And it’s up to us to change it—by talking to our sons and daughters about the importance of father involvement in childrearing--and then demonstrating it by our actions.
Because new dads tend to start out with less training and information in fathering than new moms have in mothering, we have to recognize our need to actively reach out for knowledge.
It is also important to break this generational cycle of father silence. Our own parenting will be better and easier if we start talking about fathering--asking questions and sharing our experience. But we’re not the only ones who will benefit. The other fathers we talk with will also be ahead of the game, feeling and acting less like a Doofus.
More important, open discussion of fathering gives our own children words and wisdom they’ll need when they take their turn as fathers and mothers.
If you’re looking for ways and means to break the silence, check out Dads & Daughters, Fatherville.com, and Daughters: For Parents of Girls.
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Posted by Joe Kelly at July 16, 2007 12:37 PM
Comments
It is not easy, raising a child; and I think in raising boys, is most challenging in the regards I've mentioned above.
Yeah, he is not like "other boys" in the "I am not human, I am a man" departmental circles, he may be different; but, to those whom love him; treasure his ability to love, laugh and be compassionate towards human, animal and environment.
Contrary to popular belief, that boys should not be human beings; I am proud of my achievement, and that of my son's; to rise above societal expectations of churning out robotic, killing machines called men; mine has learned to love, to build good things, to cherish everything and everyone... yadayadayada...
Maybe, just maybe, dear Joe; one day, this seed of hope from men; will turn the tide of humankinds inevitable destructive extinction!
North
2. Posted by
North
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on
July 18, 2007 07:32 AM
You statistics are misleading. The Family Life badge has only been in existence since 1991. In 2005, the only non-Eagle-required badge to surpass it was Leatherwork. BSA teaches boys to become effective fathers by teaching them the skills they need to provide for their families rather than by feminizing them.
3. Posted by
EagleMom
on
December 6, 2007 02:13 AM
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Recent Comments
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EagleMom commented on How DO Boys Become Doofus Daddys?
You statistics are misleading. The Family Life
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North commented on How DO Boys Become Doofus Daddys?
It is not easy, raising a child; and I think in
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North commented on How DO Boys Become Doofus Daddys?
Joe, this is a poignant look at the imbalance o
Joe, this is a poignant look at the imbalance of parent-preparations for the male child!
I am so glad you are "here" to direct attentions to the lagging guidance boys are given, to become wonderful life-partners and fathers one day; not to mention grandfathers too, one day!
I remember with my own son; society's expectations of him; which were in my view sorta "twisted" when it came to injury, or feelings being hurt...
Everyone would cringe, if I gave him a hug when he fell running, and scraped his knees and hands! I would respond with something like: "when you fall, scrape your skin, and are bleeding; do you not, cry from pain and fear?" or, with something like: "if God did not want males to cry; males would not have tears or emotion!"
Naturally, some of their ego's cropped up; and denied their childhood experiences with cuts, bumps, falls, and terrifying chicken pox, or flu's, etc.
It became a battle of will--me, to have the free will, to raise my son with compassion, love and affection; to let him cry when his tonsils were removed, when his kidney shut down at age thirteen!
So, contrary to what all the males in our family circle expected from my boyo; from Uncles to cousins, to friends and neighbours; I stood steadfast in my belief, that boys are human beings too; and to force, teach and guide them to be otherwise; perhaps could be in large part, the roots of global society's males behaviour towards negative things like: dominating, warring, battling, and non-positive actions? Could this in large part, have created the epidemic in males around the globe, to succumb to alchohol or synthetic drugs addictions; adding on of course, physical, mental, emotional, and deprivation behavious, towards women and children?
Could it indeed be, because parents often deny their boys to be human beings?
with loving kindess,
North, aka Donna, aka Mom!