Meditations on Mom
Alison Rose Levy - May 08, 2008
A bouquet of roses, a box of candy, a long distance phone call? What will you give your Mom this Mother’s Day? And more importantly, what will you really feel as you make your ritual obeisance? Will your heart overflow with love and gratitude? Or will you be gritting your teeth, plastering a smile on, bracing yourself for Mom’s next number?
Some people have great Moms, supportive, sympathetic, adept bakers of warm apple pie with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. But others feel like onlookers, their faces pressed against icy window panes, looking into a scene that they’ve never experienced.
It isn’t so easy to feel warm and cuddly if you had a Mom who wasn’t cut out for motherhood. Neglectful, abusive, withdrawn, intrusive, critical, self-absorbed, or just plain weird—bad Mommies come in all ethnicities and flavors. And our responses? Low self-esteem. Experiencing all too many “life lessons.” Repeating non-optimal life patterns—anything from relationship failures to bad bosses, from mood swings to excess facial surgery to trouble with our kids. Whatever may be wrong with our lives, a lot of it seems to originate with Mom and our relationship to her.
Through a process I offer called Family Repatterning, (www.collectiverealm.com) a lot of people come to heal their relationship with their Moms. Listening to each poignant story, I’ve heard things that would curl your hair—but there’s one thing in common: Everyone is trying to forgive Mom.
“I know I should forgive her, but..”
“I want to forgive her for my sake, not hers..”
With clenched fists, “I’ve forgiven her, really I have…”
Yeah, right.
With all the proponents of do-right spiritual forgiveness out there, I’m sorry to have to debunk this one. Forgiveness may be appropriate for your spouse, partner, or friend—in other words, an equal, but not for Mom (or Dad).
Here’s why: the notion of forgiveness comes from the confessional, where you confess your sins and receive absolution.
But who is the forgiven? The one confiding their wrongdoing.
And who does the forgiving? The confessor, the spiritual authority behind the screen. Even if you’re an enlightened Kuan Yin and Mom is a spiritual pygmy, who would kill another woman to get a pair of on-sale shoes, by forgiving, you are placing yourself in the role of spiritual authority over Mom—the person who gave you life. Think about it. Does that forgiveness taste like the benign humility of true spirituality or arrogance?
Instead I help people to make peace with Mom, to come to terms with their relationship with Mom as it is and for who she is—and that’s why I made Meditations on Mom, a Mother’s Day poem/film in honor of my highly imperfect, deeply flawed, beautiful, wonderful one of a kind mother—and of yours’. To see the film, click here: http://www.collectiverealm.com/mom/
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Posted by Alison Rose Levy at May 8, 2008 06:07 AM
Comments
1. Posted by
blisschick
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on
May 8, 2008 07:28 AM
Why only mother!
We should not have any hatred towards anybody.
We should forgive everybody, even ourself.
Try and forgive everybody and than live a life.
We should make peace with everybody.
It is not possible to keep peace with one and be at war with another.
If you are at war with one, you are at war with everybody.
If you are at peace with one, you are at peace with everybody.
Hence friends love all including your mother, father, brother, sister, enemy, neighbours, god, thorns, flowers, boy friend, girl friend etc. etc.
2. Posted by
Life Coach
on
May 8, 2008 10:15 AM
I have a great Mom. My mom has 10 kids and too many grandchildren to count. We are giving her a surprise Mother's day party.
I can however relate to this article with my father. from experience I can share that one has not truly forgiven....until one comes to the point of seeing nothing that happened was wrong: Everything I ever expereinced brought me to the point of who I am in awareness today.
Everything is a blessing...but unless one actually see's it...it won't be one's experience.
3. Posted by
VivianAmis
on
May 9, 2008 03:38 AM
I really appreciate the thought that nobody should forgive someone unless asked to be forgiven. That is a most interesting concept. It all depends upon what forgiveness means to each person in the process...for one, it may mean to forget and let it all pass and fade away, and to the other, it may mean truly that one's wrongdoing will not be held against him any longer.
In the case of Israel and Palestine, this is a lot to ask, isn't it? Who will ask to forgive and who will be forgiven? Originally, it meant that debts would not be paid for if one is truly forgiven, the debt is no longer collectible.
So to Mom's everywhere, no debt can ever be repaid to the mother who nurtured us, diapered us, clothed us, led us by the hand, and protected us from harm, and taught us how to live. All one can do is to do the same as mother did to us when it comes our turn to care for children of our own, whether by birth or by choice, as many mothers are teachers, nurses, secretaries, and guidance counselors as well as simply birth mothers.
True love is probably passing the love that was given to us to another free from any debt of any kind.
Much love to all mothers everywhere, birth or otherwise!
4. Posted by
arizonasunset
on
May 9, 2008 01:04 PM
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Recent Comments
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arizonasunset commented on Meditations on Mom
I really appreciate the thought that nobody sh
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VivianAmis commented on Meditations on Mom
I have a great Mom. My mom has 10 kids and too
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Life Coach commented on Meditations on Mom
Why only mother!
We should not have any h -
blisschick commented on Meditations on Mom
In terms of forgiveness, I also think about the
In terms of forgiveness, I also think about the Jewish concept that you forgive only when someone asks for it; it is not for you to just bestow. And the person must be sincere, you must believe that they know what they are asking forgiveness for. We throw around apologies, sometimes, too quickly -- only to go back to our old ways once we feel the transgression is forgotten. Or we think we can do anything because we can always just say "sorry." Furthermore, in my book, there are things that are simply unforgivable. I know this sounds harsh, but if a friend or spouse treated some of us the way parents have, we could expect to be supported in our "divorce" of that person by the larger culture. Why shouldn't we expect better of our parents?